Tag: psychache

Lost of Interest

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Lost of Interest

I have been losing interest in things I used to enjoy. I no longer go to Starbucks like I used to, I make coffee at home, nor do I have an interest in my favorite sport, baseball. The season started and I hope I gain interest back but it’s doubtful. I still hear the chatter on Twitter to see how good or bad they are playing but I really don’t care like I used to. I don’t even know their record or how many games they have played so far.

I emailed my psychiatrist all this last night. I haven’t heard back from her. I am still hoping to see her on Wed. She said she might have to change the appointment time because even though her schedule says she is free, her secretary might not agree. It will really suck not to see her this week. I will probably page her just to talk to her. I feel like I am losing a handle with the depression. Things are going south, and quickly. I just don’t know what to do to stop it when things don’t interest me anymore.

I made pancakes for the first time since the depression began. I didn’t eat all of them but a good amount. It’s been the only thing I ate all day. I just had an Ensure because I am not hungry but feel woozy. I just don’t know what I want to eat. I really want another pastrami sub but that would involve getting dressed and going out. I am not up for that. If I had cash on me, I would have it delivered but I don’t.

I’m kind of worried about one of my blogger friends. She had a heart attack a few days ago but is afraid of receiving medical care. I hope she doesn’t have another one because that could be fatal. She is alone with her dog in an RV out in the middle of the US. I really like her stories and her. She is a great person. I would hate to lose her so I hope she is ok.

I found a high school friend of mine on Twitter. He is going through a hard time, though I think his depression is more severe than mine at the moment. I hope I can help him through these tough times.

I’m not seeing my father today. I really need to muster the energy to shower but I don’t think it is going to happen. I am just so tired. I woke up a few times during the night so my sleep is all out of whack. I hate when I get interrupted sleep. I have been sleeping on and off for most of the day. I did fill my pill box for the week so I accomplished something. There is a BPD Chat tonight. I don’t think I am going to participate. I am just not up for listening in and talking to people. My energy level is so low that I think I am just going to go back to sleep after I finish this blog. I have no interest in doing anything else.

Random 909

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Random 909

I had therapy today and I told her the reason why I had to cancel last week was because of my episodes of psychache. We talked about it a little bit and about going to the hospital if I need to. She said that the hospital has always been the place where I recharge my batteries, despite how suicidal I am. I know it’s not a treatment place anymore. I have been burned more than it has helped. But it does give me some respite.

I was supposed to go to visit my father today but my bowels have been acting up so decided it was safer to be home than out. I was right because I took the trash out and had to go soon as I came back in. Guess no pastrami sub for me today. I am really exhausted, not saying I wasn’t before but the whole trips to the bathroom just wore me out.

I brought up a topic I really didn’t want to talk about but had to be discussed because it was bothering me. It had to do with my weight and how I feel about it. I hate myself for many reasons and being obese is one of them. Since my weight loss with the depression, I kind of feel like I don’t deserve to lose weight but I know that it’s better for me to be “lighter”. I just feel like I am losing a part of myself. Sure I can gain it back. But it’s not the same. I don’t want to be more than what I am right now. I know that since eating a little regularly I have gained back some pounds and I am sure eating those pastrami subs over the weekend didn’t help. But that is the thing with my eating, it’s all or nothing. I either eat a little, a lot, or nothing. Now that I don’t have a PCP after my weight issues, I have relaxed and sort of gradually watched what I eat and stuff. But it hasn’t been easy. I am not at my target weight and I don’t think I will get there as my appetite has come back. Not with a vengeance but enough that I don’t starve.

We talked briefly about my father. I just gave her an update about his current condition as she didn’t know that he is hospitalized, again. I also emailed my psych. We were talking about how the depression started before my father got really sick. The depression has been going on for months now and I am not sure it is going to get better. The medication I am on is not helping, least not yet. It’s very difficult dealing with severe depression when a parent is sick.

why do I keep fighting?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Why do I keep fighting?

I woke up from my nap. My pain level was the same. My mood was shifted a little bit but still dreary. And I just keep asking myself, why do I keep fighting the urge to end things when it’s so damn prominent. I again wanted to take a bottle of pills today. I thought about calling my psychiatrist. I thought of texting a hotline. I texted my therapist with no hope of her returning my text. I don’t know why I bother. She says she wants to be kept in the loop. What good is that if I feel suicidal and she doesn’t get back to me? Not a good system, if you ask me.

I didn’t do anything except listen to music. I read for a little while but then I couldn’t go back to it. My attention span for reading just wasn’t there. I haven’t finished a book in a while. I think February was the last time I did so.

I could have called my psychiatrist. I was afraid she would try and convince me to go to the hospital and I didn’t want to say no to her as I was feeling so crappy. I also didn’t want to argue with her. Most of the arguing was already in my head. I hate feeling this way. Now it’s late at night and I still feel like taking some pills. Why should I fight it? I can still call my psych but I really don’t want to bother her. Thing is, I would have to page her and my paging success haven’t been to successful in the past. There used to be a number that I had that you would get a person to page her but I have lost the number. I just have a paging system number that I don’t even know if it still works. I know if it goes through, she will call me back when she can.

What am I fighting for exactly? Why don’t I just give in to what I feel is right? Ending my life is what I want. I am tired of being in pain, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I am so tired of dealing with pain and today was not the worst day but when you get hit with psychache, nothing else matters except killing yourself.

I want to give in so bad. I don’t know why I haven’t. I guess I am afraid that I won’t succeed, that I will be a failure that I know I am. If I had a beam or a gun, things would be different. You just can’t trust pills.

two accomplishments

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Two accomplishments

I got my haircut and took a shower afterwards. Then I slept for most of the afternoon. I woke up hungry so I made a black bean burger. I really like them but the spice kills my taste buds for a little while. It’s so hot. I haven’t had an Ensure all day so that is good. For breakfast I had a Danish. I wanted to make coffee but I just didn’t have the energy for it.

My new slippers came. They are a little tight on me but fit and are comfortable. I ordered PJs last night. This is in case I need to go in the hospital, I will at least have comfy sleepwear. My ankle has been bothering me all day. I don’t know why as I haven’t done anything other than walk to the barber shop. I was supposed to go to the post office to mail some stuff but that didn’t happen either. My funds are swindling with all these purchases.

Last night I felt suicidal again. I texted my therapist. I didn’t want to bother my psychiatrist. I knew the feeling would pass and it did. Night time is a rough time for me lately, it always has been. My heart just becomes heavier and it drives me crazy because there is nothing I can do about it. I watched a couple episodes of Friends to distract me but it only worked for a little bit. I wish I still had my game. I really miss it. There are other games that are similar to the game that I played but it’s not as easy to maneuver nor is it fun or challenging.

I am supposed to have a check in with my therapist sometime today. It hasn’t happened yet, but then she is back to back so I am sure it’s only a matter of her getting a chance to call. I don’t have a session with her until Tuesday. I have been thinking of writing her a letter to give her an update. I just don’t know what to say in the letter. I think I am going to handwrite it and then try and read it to her Tuesday.

My mother made home made pork fried rice. It was the best rice she has made in a long time. It didn’t come out wicked salty. I think I am done with eating for today. Today has been the first day in a long time that I ate more than one thing in a 24hr period. I hope this continues.

I still feel in the dumps. I still have thoughts of ending my life. Things don’t look so good right now. I am worried that I might have to go back to the hospital and just get frustrated because I won’t be getting care that I need. Course, what that care is, I have no idea. It doesn’t exist in the hospital anymore. It used to. Not anymore. Now it’s more like 15 minutes of “treatment” with your treatment team and that is all. Most of it is dependent on nursing care staff.