Tag: psychache

sleeplessness, suicide, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I took my night meds because I was feeling sleepy. Then I experienced some side effects. I think it was most likely withdrawal as I haven’t taken a pain med since last night. So I took one pill and now I am awake. I am listening to music and it’s keeping me awake. I know I should shut it off and try and get some sleep but I am not tired anymore. I hate when I wake up. It’s after midnight.

I started writing a blog/essay about my experience with dealing with the suicidality of the night before. I got to less than 200 words and gave up. I should have hand wrote it. Now the thoughts have escaped me. I hate when that happens. I really wanted to include it in my book.

The American Association of Suicidology will be having their annual conference in a couple days time. People are already meeting up and the conference doesn’t officially start until Thursday. I just care about what Jobes says. I hope he doesn’t have a pre conference workshop. I won’t be by my laptop Wednesday because I have an appointment with my psych. I also emailed her about my “episode”.

What strikes me about this episode is that there was no trigger other than intense psychache. My heart was being torn apart in a million pieces and I just wanted to die. I had the means to die. I just had to act but I didn’t. No one would know why I attempted to kill myself. I am not so sure either. I know I didn’t want to die in my room, not where someone close to me would find me. I never would be trusted again with my pills. And I am 40 years old to be treated like a child would be such an insult.

I honestly don’t know what would happen if I attempted and didn’t succeed in my house. That is something that I really don’t want to find out. I didn’t do anything to harm myself last night, as intense as the feelings were. And it seemed like they only lasted about ten minutes before they dissipated as fast as they appeared. I held out, again. My only question is, what about next time? Will I be so lucky, if that is the word to use?

In twelve hours I will find out if my therapist will honor my cancellation of our appointment. There has been no indication from her whether she will call me or not. So I am left wondering. I gave her plenty of time to cancel, more than 24 hours. But I don’t know if the blog that I sent her will void the cancellation. She will do that sometimes. I guess that is part of the reason why I can’t sleep. I am too worried about the what ifs. If she doesn’t call, I can leave my house earlier and get my Starbucks. I can also get my letter from my new PCP for my loan documentation that I need.

I continued the rant on Twitter about how the NP dismissed my depression as “stress”. I have never felt so offended before in my life. Stress is not something that causes depression or make you lose weight, your appetite, lose sleep, and feel worthless. I had all the physical symptoms of depression and she dismissed them. I can’t trust her anymore, not with my depression anyways. I have to keep the elephant in the room quiet now. I miss my old PCP. He understood. He was one of a kind. And the institution where he worked lost a great physician.

cement shoes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cement shoes

I was wearing sneakers but you wouldn’t know it. My feet felt like they were in cement blocks as I trudged my way down to the bus stop. I really didn’t feel like going out but I wanted a latte and I figure going out was better than making coffee at home. I wasn’t expecting my sneakers to change to cement blocks though. Each step took a lot of effort. I was exhausted by the time I reached the stop. I am glad they have a bench so I could sit down and rest.

The depression takes many forms with me. It is never the same with each episode I experience. Sometimes I am walking through mud. Other times I have cement shoes on my feet. Each step is always painful whether it be mud or cement. I just can’t get through to my head that there is a clear path and that there is nothing physically there to slow me down. The physical symptoms of depression doesn’t care. It holds you back when you want to move forward, all the damn time.

Recently, a Twitter friend said that I should keep fighting. I don’t think she realizes just how exhausting that is. It is so much easier to give up. To stay in bed until the sun rises again, when the black dog disappears. But you have responsibilities and that keeps you from staying in bed all day. Appointments must be kept. Prescriptions must be filled. It’s hard, it’s really hard to go on when you feel like this.

Feeling hopeless is the worse. I wasn’t feeling this when the depression started. This episode started two months ago and I lost my appetite as well as my thought speed. My thoughts became slow as molasses. It’s still hard to get the words out at times. I lost weight because I wasn’t eating. I felt tired all the time. I felt down a lot of the time. But I still did what I had to do rather than stay cooped up in bed like I would have loved to do. Now that my appetite is back, I am beginning to feel like this depression is not going to end, that it is going to stay around and I am forever in its grip. I feel hopeless that things are going to get better again. Part of me knows that it will. It just takes time. I have been put on medication that should help relieve some of this suffering but I still don’t know. I have to wait two weeks for this medication to work and I am overwhelmed by this because I can’t even think of tomorrow or the next day.

I have to just think of the present time. It’s the only way to get through the day. If I can get through this minute, that hour, I will be okay. But it’s hard. I am still not eating 100% of the time. I have to remind myself to eat. I have broken the “no food in my room” rule. I had to because pain keeps me from going downstairs to get food when I need it so I keep some pretzels near me to offset hunger. It might not be the best food in the world but it’s something. And something is better than nothing. If I didn’t have to worry about mice, I would bring some of my chocolate granola bars in my room. Those are good for hunger. The reason I have a hard time going down the stairs is because of pain in my ankle and foot due to a condition known as complex regional pain syndrome. I have been living with this condition for the past four years. It’s difficult when you can’t walk and walking is your main mode of transportation. I don’t own a car so I don’t drive that often. I used to be able to borrow my sister’s car but she traded it in for a monster truck and I just can’t drive it for fear of sideswiping another vehicle or something else.

The cement shoes have come on in the last two days. I don’t know when they will come off. I hate wearing them when in fact, I have sneakers on. The cement is so heavy. I feel so weighed down with them on. It’s like I can’t move. It’s so painful. You are exhausted by the time you reach your destination, which is only a few short blocks from your house.

The exhaustion from the depression has to be worse than a physical illness or about the same, depending on who you talk to. It really sucks because you might have energy before you get dressed and then when you are finished showering and putting on your clean clothes, you are wiped out. It sucks more when you are in physical pain as well. I don’t know what is worse at this point. Dealing with my chronic pain in my ankle or the depression. Maybe it’s both. I just need to find a chisel and a hammer to try and escape from these cement shoes. They are no fun.

No Relief in Sight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No Relief in Sight

I am getting tortured. My soul aches, my ankle is throbbing, and my heart is heavy. I have tried to keep up with the pain but soon as it settles down and I think it’s safe to walk or stand, I am fooled. Then I am hurting twice as much as before. I have been taking my pain meds every few hours. I think I might have to take the stronger pain med tonight to see if I can get relief.

I hate feeling pain all day. I know it’s because I did a lot three days in a row without a break. I am paying for it now. I rather just deal with the depression though. It is the lesser evil. The physical pain will lessen with meds, eventually. I just got to play with doses and that is always difficult. I might take some Neurontin and see if that helps with my pain. It won’t hurt. And it might keep the weird dreams at bay. I usually don’t dream when I take Neurontin.

I keep thinking about death, my own and my father’s. There is no escaping it. Question is, who will die first, me or him. I really think I might go before him if this depression doesn’t resolve itself. It just really sucks that I have to wait another 10 days or so before I know if the meds are going to work. The hopelessness is getting stronger and as it does, my thoughts of death increase. I have been texting my therapist to fill her in on what is going on. I kind of wish I was seeing her Monday. But I know she has a full schedule so I probably won’t.

I have so much hurt inside and I don’t know where it is coming from. It’s like my father’s fluid build up, where don’t know where it is coming from and so it is with my heart ache. I hurt and there is no reason for it. What is worse is that there is nothing I can take for it. Maybe I should have gone on Cymbalta. That is supposed to help with the psychache of depression. I just don’t know why there has to be mental pain when you are depressed. I mean, really? You are already suffering, why add to it? And it’s not a pain that can be measured. Well, technically it can be, but that is just research use not clinically. Mental health professionals rarely use a pain scale with psychache. And that is if they are aware of mental pain. My therapist knows to ask about it because I have done the research. To her, I am a suicidologist. I might not have a degree but I feel that my study into suicide qualifies me as a suicidologist. My library is stocked with suicide books.

I am supposed to do a review of one of my suicide books but I haven’t found the energy to read it. I am so bogged down with negative emotion that it’s hard to read, even my non-suicide books are difficult. I just don’t have the concentration I need to sit through it.

Recently, I joined Netflix and started watching Friends. I love that show. But I can’t binge watch like I used to be able to. Half way through the show I want to stop it and not watch it anymore. I just don’t have the attention span to watch the 25 minutes of the show. So I have been watching just one show a day if I feel up for it.

I hate being in physical pain. I wish there was a magic pill to stop whatever process it is that is causing this pain. But I never know what is causing this pain, just like my psychache. The docs think I have complex regional pain syndrome and I think that is a close diagnosis but I don’t fit into the diagnosis. I don’t have a change in coloration in my foot or ankle. I just have pain every day that goes from my ankle down into my foot.

I never washed my clothes. My mother had put the pans and stuff back on the washer and I just didn’t feel like moving them. So I just put my clothes in the hamper for the next washing. I have other clothes that I can wear. Monday we are supposed to get hit with some kind of storm but the weather man keeps changing the story so I don’t think it’s going to hit Boston. I have to go out regardless as I need to see the NP for my pain meds. I hope by then the new PCP has signed the paperwork that I need. I haven’t heard anything yet and they were supposed to call me when it is ready to be picked up. I think that is another reason why my physical pain is so bad. Something is going to hit and I am feeling it. I am a human barometer. I also never took a shower. I am hurting too much to stand and it’s just not worth it tonight.

The Sox did win today. Luckily, they were rained out after the game was “official”. This preserved the lead.