Tag: psychological pain

feeling uneasy

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, psychosis

Been having a rough few days. Psychosis has not let up but I have so far avoided going in the hospital. I just can’t go in for material reasons. My baby (laptop) is on its way back to me and today because my mother is deaf, missed the doorbell. Now I have to wait till Monday to get it back. If I got my laptop today, I would have made a plan to go in the hospital on Monday. Now, no such luck. I really need the break. I am having command auditory hallucinations (AH) and those are really difficult to deal with in an outpatient setting. But my psychiatrist didn’t seem too concerned, though I really downplayed the severity of the AH. I still am wicked paranoid and can’t shake the feeling that I am being watched.

The day did not bode well for me because I woke up in severe ankle pain. I was close to cancelling my appointment with my psych today but I knew that if I did, I would have a hard time getting another appointment. And if I did go in the hospital, I would have a hard time getting discharged if I don’t have an appointment. Sometimes you need to have the follow up appointment with your therapist and psychiatrist before they can consider discharge. I am not hoping to stay too long in the hospital but I can be there up to fourteen days. I also stressed to my psychiatrist that I wanted to watch the Sox game today so I couldn’t go in. She joked but she knew I was serious. She knows that if I was really feeling bad, a baseball game wouldn’t matter to me.

Other than trying to write and keep up with this blog, I am having a wicked hard time with my other writing. I have been journaling because I am watched less and don’t feel that the voices can read my thoughts as much. I feel like I am getting behind though there is no official deadline or something to do my writing. I haven’t tried editing since last Saturday when I got overwhelmed. I can’t really think straight with the additional meds and have been getting agitated easily so I have been staying away from my book. I really thought editing would be easy but it is not. I gave myself a goal of publishing it by Oct 15th but now it is looking more like the end of Oct/early November. I really need to decide the order of my chapters but I need to wait till this psychotic episode passes. I got an email from my friend in Scotland who says he will be purchasing many copies so he and his family can read it. I know that I will be successful the first month or so and that is all that I am hoping for. I figure at least fifty or so copies will be sold. But I could be wrong. It could be more. But I don’t want to really count my chickens before they hatch. And I really don’t want to think about the implications of losing my disability if I am really successful. But I will worry about that when and if things come to that.

I still am depressed. I tried to be cheerful when I saw my psychiatrist but I just didn’t have it in me. I just felt flat. It hurt to really think what I wanted to say. I really wanted to give her the low down but feared I wouldn’t leave the office without an escort to the ER. Now I am kind of scared of what the weekend might hold for me if I can’t get on top of this. I know that if I go to the local psych ER I will get admitted, even if I just want to talk with someone. I have packed a bag just in case I go in. I just feel so uneasy. I am really shocked that my pdoc didn’t really encourage me going in the hospital, but then she usually leaves it up to me to make those kind of decisions.

psychosis and songs

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychache, psychosis

I was chatting with a fellow blogger tonight about various things and one of the topics that came up was measures to fix the mental health system. 1) there needs to be more funding to keep existing programs open. 2) needs to be a better crisis response across all state hospitals or city hospitals so that people do not resort to suicide because they got left behind. People have the notion that inpatient hospitalizations are a cure all for all types of psychiatric ailments but what they don’t realize is that treatment hardly exists behind closed doors. Sure medication is dispensed but what is needed is therapy on the floors more than what the nursing staff can provide.

I have been struggling the past few days with psychosis and am wondering if I should be in the hospital. I was able to get a hold of my psychiatrist and she allowed me to take my old go to antipsychotic med that I like when nothing else seems to work. I just took it and I hope that it stops this song that is playing like a broken record in my head. The song is sirens by Pearl Jam. It is striking a chord with me a little too well and is “talking” to me, telling me that I should die. I don’t understand why this is happening, though it seems to be the course after every dissociative episode I face. I become purely psychotic after losing time.

I still am under black clouds. Listening to music is helping. I just wish the feeling like nothing would stop. And I still have the heaviness in my chest. The psychache is in full gear. I guess that is why the song is telling me to kill myself.

overwhelmed

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Overwhelmed

I got up really early today for some reason. I had energy and I wanted some breakfast burritos from McDonalds. So I took a shower and got dressed in time to take the bus to the Square. I figured I would do some editing while I was there, drinking my coffee. It wasn’t the plan today but, oh well. If I don’t chip at it a little bit at a time it is never going to get done. I reached page 27 and had to stop. My thoughts were all over the place and so was the book. I swear it sucks. I just have all this writing and though it does make sense, I am not sure where a chapter should go, where the *** separating thoughts in the paragraph should go, none of it. I am so overwhelmed. Then I thought, well, I will go through it and see how many chapter I did actually line out (I usually did this by just saying new chapter but no name). I got to page, I don’t 40 maybe and had over 15 chapters. I don’t mind this being a long book but I was also skimming while I was turning the pages. I had a blog post that I need to take out because it has NOTHING to do with anything that is before or after it. Then I decided that blog posts would be chapter numbers too. I feel like setting a time line of mid-October is not too realistic. This editing is going to take more time than I thought. I am very overwhelmed by the process and am starting to think that this sucks, no one is going to read it, that it will just be a flop anyways so why bother. So I had to stop. I didn’t number the chapters because I am not sure where they are now, they are going to stay that way.

All the while, even though I had headphones playing different music in my head, Pearl Jam’s new song Sirens was going through my head. I can’t stop this song from playing in my head and I think it is starting to be a little of my psychosis creeping up. I am feeling stressed and when I am feel stress, instead of having anxiety, I get psychotic. The whole dissociation thing has me in a special kind of panic because I feel like I have to account for every minute so I know I am grounded or something. I just feel like I am losing it and the more I feel lost, the more I think I should be in the hospital. Trouble is that now, would not be a good time. I need to have the freedom of my cell phone in case Dell calls me about my laptop and when they send it back to me. I also need to stay on top of my emails or they will just spiral out of control. And I need to blog because I need this outlet more than anything. Writing on paper is helpful but it is a pain in the ass to type up after the fact. I just wish this song would stop playing in my head. I read the lyrics and I swear the song is telling me things. But yet, I can’t stop listening to it. I don’t know what to do. I feel that if I go to the psych ER the chances of me getting hospitalized is 85%. And getting hospitalized on the weekend sucks more than getting hospitalized during the week. I really wish there was someone I could talk to during the weekends when I am feeling this way that will calm me down. I would page my pdoc but not sure she will help other than saying to go to the hospital or take an extra PRN. I know talking with her will help me somewhat. But I hate calling her. I don’t even know if I have the right number for her as I haven’t paged her in so long. I usually have been able to do it myself as I was an employee of the hospital. It was always easier because then I could text message her with what I needed her for. Now it is just my name and callback number. No other message. I just need to talk to someone that understands but won’t tell me I need to be in the hospital.

moment in time

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

I had an appointment with my father today. It went well though we were waiting a very long time to be seen. I hate it when docs run late. Just want to walk out.

I was able to get an appointment with my therapist today. I have mixed feelings about it. But seeing as last night things kind of got crazy, I think it is for the best. I don’t know where this depression is going. I know I have been writing more about it lately and that is helping me but it also is worrying me that I might end up back in the hospital.

Since I am working with my old laptop, I have decided that I not going to work on my manuscript until the newer laptop is fixed. I don’t have the brain power to work on it anyways. I thought I would be able to do a little bit today but I just can’t. Things are just not making sense to me. And the notes that I wrote up on the previous copy I had, I can’t read my fricken notes. It is in my handwriting, but it’s so scribbled that I can’t read it. MAN, I hate that.

Last night in the morning hours I apparently dissociated when I wrote “Tell Tale Heart”. I am not sure what happened. Last thing I remember is writing the title and everything after that is lost. I think I went to bed afterwards because I remember my mother waking me up because she went downstairs around 0330. I emailed my pdoc about it. Have not heard from her nor do I expect to. She can’t really do anything for me. I talked to my therapist about it because I totally had no recollection of writing this blog. Not even reading it over do I remember it. It is dark and something Mr. Hyde would write, my alter. I am kind of upset by this. I am going to bed early tonight. There is no baseball game that I really want to see as the Sox are off. I am feeling strangely disconnected. Maybe it is because I am tired. I don’t know. I am not in a lot of pain today even though I ran around taking my father to his doctor’s appointment. The coffee I drank did nothing to really wake me up. All noises annoyed me. I just wanted to be back home and in bed. Maybe tomorrow I will just hang out in bed and sleep all day as I have decided to put the manuscript off, for now.

My therapist thinks I am also dissociating with my pain as I am not really feeling it. But I think it is more compartmentalizing than actual dissociation. I don’t lose time like I do when I dissociate. I just put the pain off on the back burners. I have an extremely high pain tolerance so it takes me a while to get in touch with my pain. But if it is being a brat, then I am in trouble and can’t put it in a box so to speak. But me writing that blog…that was pure madness. I was seriously suicidal. It is a good thing I don’t act on it. I had to check my pill counts to make sure I didn’t take more than I thought I did, and I didn’t. I have no new cuts on me or other evidence of self-harm. I just have this blog that got written while I was sleep deprived and no memory of having written it. My therapist liked it. It described accurately how I was feeling at that moment in time. I am just sorry that I worried a friend.