Tag: psychological pain

A Tired Ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

A tired ramble

I should be sleeping but I am fighting sleep right now. All the bad thoughts are coming out. I feel like I am a worthless piece of shit. I need a haircut badly as my head itches. I don’t think cutting my hair is going to solve the problem (it’s dry scalp) but least I will feel human again.

Snow has hit the city where I live pretty hard. We have a travel ban in effect and the governor has stopped public transportation from running. Essentially, I am trapped in my house. I hope that it is all cleaned up by Thursday so I can have lunch with my high school friend. I know we are going to talk about my book. He is taking me to a Thai restaurant in the Back Bay. It must be a new place as it wasn’t there when I went to school. Or maybe it was and I just never went there because I didn’t like Thai back then.

My pain levels are excruciating, too. Which is why I cannot just shut the light off and go to sleep. Pain that was in my leg but now is in my foot. It is dancing around, all over the place, with the same intensity like a hot poker stick. I just took some pain meds so I hope that calms it down. I also took some Ativan to calm the fuck down. I don’t know why I am so damn anxious but I am. I know part of it is because I haven’t talked to my therapist in a week. She had to cancel today’s session because, well, like I said, everything was shut down. I don’t know how she is going to get into her office but whatever. She canceled for tomorrow’s session because school is closed but is going to try and have some evening time. I guess it all depends on if she can get child care for her daughter.

I emailed my pdoc again because I need refills for my meds. I got no answer from the one I sent the other day. I am getting frustrated with her!! This is sucks that she is out of the office and I can’t see her and then when I email her, I get no response. What the fuck kind of patient care is that?? I am so bullshit!!

Then tonight I decide to read Uncle Tom’s cabin and this little girl I fell in with dies. I have been in tears for the past hour. It was so sad that she died. I think she had some kind of heart condition. But then, the author didn’t elaborate on the illness nor was the medicine back in the early 1800s very good at diagnosing difficult ailments. Her father is heartbroken and her mother, who was a basket case to begin with, is playing the part of grieving mother. I just want to slap the mother silly as she just wants sympathy from all her servants and no one else can show sympathy. Beecher-Stowe really is a good writer, better than I could ever be.

I have been up since 0430. It’s now almost 0100. I am dog tired. I should be passed out by now. I spent some time reading today. I read a hundred pages in my civil war book and then I read a “dictionary” called the definition of suicide by Shneidman. Holy hell this man uses big words. I am glad I know the language so I can follow along (I have read his stuff before so I know his terminology), but some of it I am like really?? The word is archaic now and he is using it?? He was a funny person. I wish I got to know him better before he died.

Today is my best friend’s birthday. I wish I was in Chicago to celebrate with him.

I haven’t heard from my problem blogger in a few weeks. I hope that means she is gone. And if she comments to say she is around, I will just delete it. I don’t need her negativity in my life. I hate when people try to push their beliefs on to you and think their way of thinking is right and the ONLY way to get “better”. I don’t need that in my life. Never have and never will.

My Twitter followers is strange. The numbers will go up and then the numbers will go down. I had 343 followers. Now I have 349. I think I will have 345 by the time I look back on it tomorrow. I think it is probably bots that follow, not real people. If they are real people, and I don’t follow back (I won’t follow unless I know them or they meet my criteria for following them, which is basically working in the mental health community, a baseball lover, or something else that attracts me). If they are just authors looking for endorsements or life coaches looking to save my soul, I won’t follow back and if they become problems, I block them. Like there is this one guy that is “cured” of fibromyalgia. I don’t know how anyone can be cured of that ailment as they only just recently been able to treat the condition and give it a name! But whatever works for him, might not work for everyone. HA, speaking of Twitter, I just got a book app that is now following me! I had a book promotion thing following me for a while. But it costs like 9 bucks for just 3 days of pushing my book. I wasn’t going to waste my money on something that might not work. If I get extra money, I might do it to see if it pans out but my writing partner says it is extremely hard to promote a book and sell it. I am lucky that I sold 5 books this month. Next month I probably won’t sell any.

Meds are finally kicking in. Here is hoping I don’t wake up again around 0430.

Zero Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in psychache, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

Zero Suicide

For most of the day, I have been reading on Twitter, “Zero Suicide”. While I believe in decreasing the suicide rate, I don’t ever think there will be zero suicide in any population, in any country of the world. In the words of the father of suicidology, Edwin Shneidman, he stated before his death, “well how many suicides do you want, and I say I don’t want any, but I want there to be the freedom to do it. So there is a morality. I study suicide but I am not pro-suicide. I am for suicide prevention”. That to me, sums up the notion there can never be zero suicide. To think that one day there can be, is just foolish. Now to prevent suicide, that is another ball game. I believe that there should be every effort to prevent a suicide from happening. But to do that, you will have to do quite a few things. Suicide must be talked about like cancer is talked about. Cancer was once considered taboo. People thought if you talked about it, you could get it. So it is with suicide, that talking about it will lead to someone taking their life. This is a myth. The next is that if you are suicidal, you will be forever. As Shneidman has explained, suicide is a time limited event. It doesn’t last forever. You might, like me, have lingering thoughts of suicide or once your mental pain has decreased, you no longer think about taking your life.

It just angers me when people talk about “zero suicides”. I get the sentiments but I just think it is foolish without serious interventions and preventions out there. Increasing hotlines or having your family doc talk openly about it. All that is needed is usually an open ear. Increasing services rather than taking them away. Decrease wait times for call back services or for psychiatric crisis teams. If there were more people who actually had help that was available to them rather than waiting months for an appointment, there definitely will be less suicides, possibly. This has to be more than words on a sheet of paper. I once heard of a case in the UK that a woman was waiting desperately for a callback from their crisis team, for days. She was begging them for hospitalization. They denied it or there wasn’t a bed available so she ended up killing herself. Her daughter was left to deal with the aftermath. I know things like this happen in the US as well. My friend’s daughter was once in the ER for days before there was a bed available at a psych hospital/unit.

I just think that if more mental health professionals dealt with suicidal people rather than pawn them off to hospitals, there might be less suicides. I am not saying that is the answer to every case, but if outpatient services are afraid of suicide, how is the client supposed to trust them?

Sleepy and tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Sleepy and tired

I didn’t do much yesterday other than go to my father’s to fill his medication box. I don’t know why he can’t do it but it is better that I do it so that I know he is taking his meds.

I have been so exhausted the last few days. After coming home and having dinner last night, I just passed out. I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. Today I plan on just sleeping until the Pats game starts. I think my sister is having people over but I am not sure. I thought I would write a blog now as I might not have a chance later.

The other night my mood was bad. I was fighting the demons and sleep, not a good combo. I wanted to read “Definition of Suicide” by Shneidman but all I did was thumb through the parts that I had highlighted and then tweeted them on Twitter. I then posted the ten commonalities of suicide, which was difficult. The last two, commonalities 9 and 10 were a tight fit because it almost exceeded the 140 character limit. I would post this book on my “useful book” page but it’s really got some words that maybe hard to follow on. I have read Shneidman’s works before so I am used to his vocabulary. Other’s might not understand his thinking.

I had tweeted that my suicidality was peaking and got a response from a fellow tweeter. He said that things will be better in the morning. I knew that was true but that didn’t help me now, in that moment. I felt awful and suicide was consistently on my mind. I wasn’t in imminent danger but I just could not stop thinking about ending my life and how bad my life was. The worst part of this, was that I could not express myself on Twitter like I can on my blog, but I couldn’t write on my blog either. I felt like words were strangling me, trying to come out but didn’t have an outlet. I felt trapped and isolated, like a bug on an agar plate. I had felt intense despair, hopelessness, anguish, and worthlessness all at once. It was terrible. And I couldn’t sleep because thoughts were keeping me up. I eventually took some Ativan and that calmed me down enough to sleep. But it was a terrible night.

I haven’t had breakfast yet and plan to soon as my mother leaves the house. I might make coffee today. Maybe that will wake me up enough so I don’t go back to sleep. I don’t understand why I am so tired. I slept good, even had a couple of weird dreams. I just took my morning meds and if it causes me to be more tired than I am, then I know the extra baclofen is the reason. The doc increased it when I saw him last.

Yesterday I did my exercises. I didn’t have too much pain so I think I am doing them right. I hope this continues. I see the PT again on Wed. It is going to be tight because I see her in the morning and then I have my therapist in the afternoon. I literally have an hour to get home or I am going to miss my next appt. I hope I make it home in time. I should as long as the trains and buses are running on time.

I can’t wait for the Pats game tonight. They are playing the Colts and I hate the Colts, especially their QB, Luck. I also hope the Packers win against the Seahawks.

Sun Downing

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Had a rough time last night. Thoughts were so hopeless and I was filled with despair. I tried tweeting my thoughts but I couldn’t form words to my pain. It was agonizing not being able to express myself. I wanted to read something about suicide that would help me realize that life was worth living but I was paralyzed with fear that if I read something negative, it might push me over the edge on I was on. I was trying to find “suicidal mind” to ease my psychache but I had no idea where to look. Today I know where to look and after I write this blog, I am searching for it. I think it is in my Psychache binder folder. I hope so anyways. If I don’t find it, I will buy another copy when I get paid in two weeks. I texted my therapist to call me if she has a chance. I need her calming voice that things are going to be okay.

I don’t know how things went south. I think it was the sun downing experience I get when I am deeply depressed. My mood gets worse when the sun sets, but unfortunately, the sun had already set when my mood shifted. Usually after 8 pm (2000), my mood goes south, more so this time of the year than at any other time. It usually starts the end of September and ends any where the middle of February to the middle of March. It is when my suicidal thoughts are at their worst. There has been documentation about this in bipolar people. Kay Redfield Jamison’s book, Night falls Fast, I think states that is the worst time of year for bipolars to commit suicide. If it isn’t that book, it is the book “Touched with Fire”. Both are very good books and I think are in my Useful Books page.

Right now I am starting to feel sad. I have been listening to a variety of music on my phone to get me out of this funk I am in but it’s not helping me. They say when you are depressed you analyze lyrics more than words to the song. Or something like that. And I have been doing that. If I could have YouTube on repeat for Carrie Underwood’s song “Something in the Water”, I would. I find this song uplifting. It’s on my music to buy list, which is getting longer each month. I hate not being able to buy music when I want to. When I was working, this wasn’t a problem but being on a fixed income, you learn to budget. And you allow certain funds to go towards entertainment. Usually I get a few songs a month but Carrie just came out with her first Greatest Hits CD and I want it! It has all my favorite Carrie songs, and a few I don’t know. The new song, Something in the water is on this CD collection. I just can’t decide if I want the physical CD or the MP3 version. I have a few weeks to think about it. Until then, YouTube is playing my song, even if I have to hit play a few times.

My little niece called me to pick her up but after my doctor’s appointment today, I need to rest my ankle. I have to pick her up tomorrow and if I do too much today, I will be toast. My ankle is starting to throb so I really shouldn’t tax it. She will just have to wait until her mother picks her up when she gets out of work. I feel bad and it only worsens my depression because I can’t do things like I used to. It still amazes me that I was able to work 2 jobs while in horrible pain and now can’t even work one. Course, I passed my breaking point when I had to wear an AFO. I just wished I had chosen the research job over the clinical job. Working 20 hours would have been a severe pay cut but at least I still would have a job and maybe be able to finish school finally.

Throbbing is moving into my foot. I fucking hate when that happens. I won’t be able to go down the stairs, or up, over the next few hours. Least until my pain medication kicks in. Doc I saw today has me on a new NSAID (non-steriodal anti-inflammatory drug) called Mobic (meloxicam). I need to start it tomorrow because I took my last dose of another NSAID last night and you can’t take the two together. I hope it works better than what I am taking now. I hope it helps my arthritis in my hands and that it doesn’t cause GI upset. I left a message with the doc as to when is best to take it. I usually take all my meds at night but I don’t know if that is best or not for this new med. I just hope it helps me and doesn’t cause me any side effects.