Tag: psychosis

Free Association

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Free Association

I am up and in pain so I thought I would write whatever was on my mind. I am tempted to shower but my foot would nix that in a heartbeat. I got 2 hours before my check comes in. I hope I am sleeping by then but something tells me that I am not. I didn’t even have any caffeine today, well nothing stronger than espresso and I only had half a cup. I had a latte around 1430, same time I always have it. Maybe I should make some coffee. I have never had it this late before. What is the latest you ever had coffee that wasn’t because it was work/school related?

My foot really hurts after all the cramping that I had. I emailed my psychiatrist and cancelled my appointment for tomorrow. I hated doing it but I had no choice. I can’t walk. And the appointment was really early. I still haven’t gone to bed yet. I know I should. I am awfully tired but I have this writing bug that if I don’t write, I can’t sleep. Normally I would journal but I thought it would be fun to blog this time.

I took some Neurontin to help me sleep. I tried Skyping a friend but it didn’t work. She had internet problems on her end so she couldn’t hear me. It was a bummer. In addition to showering, I need to brush my teeth. I was going to brush them today but I had the gags all day because I am not feeling well. I think I am going through withdrawal from one of my meds but I don’t know which on. My blood pressure is stable, though I haven’t been taking my meds. I have decided not to take my meds this week. I am in a real fuck it kind of mood. I did take my abilify. I have to take this med or I just go nuts.

Stigma and Ice Cream. I wrote a blog about that. It was a good blog but it was kind of weird because I started off talking about me being a loser in the first paragraph. I think I should cut it out. I want to add to it. And I just saved it instead of saving as. Fuck. Hopefully that won’t matter because I will add to it and it will be longer than what it is now. I will work on it tomorrow when I wake up. Hopefully, I will be in one piece.

We have been trying to get a new fridge for a while now. I am going to show my mother a couple of fridges I found online and see if she will buy one of them. We need a new fridge before our current one dies.

I think I am going to try and go to sleep. I keep typing typos and correcting them and it’s annoying me. I fucking hate that because it interferes with the speed of the typing.

I hope my psychiatrist isn’t going to be mad at me for cancelling my appointment with her. I would go and say the hell with my foot but I kind of need it to walk. And it hurts really bad right now. I don’t think I will be in any condition to leave the house at 0800 to be at her office by 1030 in a good space and pain free. Especially as it’s almost 0230 and I haven’t slept yet. I keep hearing a rumbling of voices outside my window. I know it’s probably the wind but I think someone is trying to talk to me.

So you want to hear something funny? My mother’s doctor was telling her that she had osteoarthritis and she told him no, like he had a screw loose or something. My sister got very frustrated with her. She deals with my mother. I deal with my father. But we are both losing our marbles over the two of them. They have it in their minds what is wrong with them and they are sticking to it no matter what science doesn’t agree with. It’s sad. But funny in way.

I got to seriously call the dentist and make an appointment. I think I have a cavity. I haven’t went in more than a year. But I don’t brush my teeth every day like some people do. I forget to brush my teeth or I just don’t feel like it. I wish the people in the window would stop talking. They are getting really loud.

Fridge Fiasco

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fridge Fiasco

I helped my mother this morning emptying the fridge and putting them either outside or on the porch where it is cold. I then went upstairs to my room and slept as I wasn’t feeling good. My ankle still hurts and the pain pills were kicking in. When I woke up a few hours later, the delivery guy was here but our new fridge wasn’t. It was damaged. My mother was beyond bullshit. How could they load a damaged unit and not know it until they reached a customer’s house?? It doesn’t make any sense. So all our work this morning was wasted and now we had to put everything back. It did wonders for my ankle.

I still am in a shitty mood. I hate being in pain and I have been for more than 24 hours now. I know it is because I did too much. Two straight days of being at the hospital and traveling by T just killed me. I don’t know how I am going to handle going there 3 days a week for two weeks. I am just glad it is in the afternoon and not the morning. I am not a morning person. Only thing that sucks about this is that I can’t go to the square to get my coffee. I will have to make it at home.

I am also in a bad mood because SSD lied to me or at least got the wrong information. Yesterday they told me they didn’t receive any information from my therapist and today it miraculously appeared. My therapist didn’t receive anything. So I am not sure who is the faulty party. And I don’t know what information they want/needed that they have. Pisses me off that I am jumping through hoops here. She said that I would get a notification in a few weeks. Great. Just fucking great. Meanwhile the voices are running rampant saying that I am not going to get awarded because I am a lazy ass. That I am not disabled enough and other horrible things. I really can’t take it. I feel like I am losing it. Maybe I have lost it. I really just want to die. That will solve everything, least in my mind.

While we were going through the freezer stuff, I found the PF Chang food that I forgot that I bought. I think I will have that tonight for dinner. It will go nicely with some Jasmine rice. Least that is what I want to do. It might not happen because of my pain. Between putting the food back in the fridge and then making a hamburger for lunch, my ankle is toast. Today is gearing up to be just a pain med day. I am really sleepy, too. I do hope that my therapist has an opening today but it’s already 1330 and she hasn’t called me so I am thinking it’s not going to happen.

I’m debating on making coffee. I haven’t had it and I am really sleepy. But then, pain meds will do that to you. I need to take another dose soon as my ankle is screaming at me. I wish it would pipe down. I might need to pull out the big guns (stronger pain med). I hate taking this med because of constipation. It really backs me up. I am going to try taking some Neurontin to try and see if that helps me sleep some. I doubt it but it might ease some of my pain, too.

in an awful mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In an awful mood

My therapist got back to me. She hasn’t received anything from SSA so I will need to call them tomorrow and let them know and to see if they are using the correct address. She has moved several times over the years. I don’t think the internet has caught up to her current address.

My ankle pain got worse with me moving and checking mail. I got a letter from my private health insurance. I was expecting it and sure enough, my premium went up by more than $20. I can afford it but with my meds also going up on a tier, things are going to be tight for awhile. I still need to order more allegra and my senna. I get good prices on Amazon than I do in store. I was going to boycott their services because they came out with awful suicide message t-shirts. I can’t believe that they would sell these shirts. But I need my meds more than I need the boycott.

With the pain rising, I have been thinking of killing myself for the past hour or so. I can’t help thinking that I would be better off dead. I feel like such a burden to my family as I can’t do anything to help them. I never did take the frozen food out to the basement. I talked with my mother and we will be putting them on the porch as it’s cold enough out. That will save my ankle some pain. I just hope that it doesn’t hurt my back.

I just feel so useless. I have my favorite music playing to try and distract me from my thoughts. Pearl Jam is coming to Fenway Park this year and I really want to see them but I am afraid that my ankle will not be able to stand it. And it’s not like you can sit down at a rock concert. I tried when I went to a Bon Jovi concert a few years ago. Impossible. It was a shitty concert but still. I would love to go if I can get tickets. I’ll worry about my leg then. I am listening to Pearl Jam song right now. It’s one of my favorites from their new album. I really like their new album even though it is not that new. It’s a couple of years old now. But I love it just the same as I love their first album.

I texted my therapist saying that I was suicidal from the pain. I already had one anxiety attack over it and my heart really hurt. I felt like my chest muscles were going to collapse it was hurting so much. It didn’t last long, just a few seconds but it freaked me out none the less. I hate when I get sharp chest pains. I know it’s not a heart attack but probably some ischemia. With all the latest research, I am due for a heart attack and I do hope that it kills me. I will be very upset if it doesn’t.
I had a good stretch of no suicidal thoughts for a while now. But severe pain will bring it back in an instant. I just want to die. I took another dose of my pain meds and the voices wanted me to take the bottle. I was so tempted. That is why I don’t keep that many pills at my bedside. It’s too easy to take more pills than I need, especially when I am in agony. I don’t know if more is better. I have never tried it. Most I will take is three pills and that seems to be the magic number. But I never have taken more than that at any one time. I have thought it and been commanded to but I never went through with the thoughts. I took an Ativan because of the anxiety this is causing me. I know I probably should have taken a trilafon too but I will take that with my night meds. I have been taking my night meds early lately. I just get so tired and then I take them and wake up. So tonight I am just taking the essentials, once I can stand up again. I am waiting for the pain to go down so I can take my night meds. I hope it goes down soon because I really want to go to bed. I am utterly exhausted.

Nerve wracking day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Nerve Wracking Day

Just got off the phone with the SSD and my claim is still under review. They are waiting for my therapist to input their paperwork. So I just texted my therapist to check her mail. Now I got a nervous butterfly in my stomach. Only because I don’t know which address they may have sent it. I hope they sent it to the address I gave them and not on the web because those addresses are no longer current!

I spent the morning with my father for his appointment. We arrived 45 minutes early and we couldn’t enter the place until 0830. Every 5-10 minutes my father was looking at his watch. He was such a fink. The appointment went longer than expected. I just really wanted to get out of there. I didn’t have a book or my headphones with me so it was like time dragged on and on. Then I went to his apartment to fix his pills because I wasn’t going to go out again tomorrow. I am hurting really bad because I over exerted myself today.

My mother ordered a new refrigerator because our current one is not working properly. It is coming tomorrow and I need to empty the freezer and transfer the stuff to the basement freezer. I am not looking forward to this ordeal. I am glad it’s not overstocked but the basement freezer is not exactly empty either. I just hope that I can find room for everything. I am waiting for the pain meds to kick in before I start moving stuff. I also need a nap because I have been going since 0500 and haven’t really had a little downtime. I just had lunch a little while ago as I haven’t had anything to eat since 0530.

I really am annoyed that the person I spoke to from SSA didn’t really care what I was telling her. I just hope she sent my therapist’s paperwork to the right place. They got my other records from the hospital I go to, so I am happy about that. The only hold up is my therapist. Fuck. And I won’t find out till next Tuesday if she got the paperwork. I should have called before my appointment with her but I didn’t want to as I came home close to my time with her. At least I know I am getting somewhere with my claim, though it’s not really a claim but a review.

I decided to go back to reading “Evidenced-based practices in suicidology”. I was reading it this morning while I had my coffee. I must have read ten pages and was wondering where suicide fell in what they were talking about. They just gave a history of where evidence based practice came from and it just goes on. This is the worst book and it is so misleading. You really can’t judge a book by its cover!

I had therapy and we spent most of the time talking about how annoying my father was. We also talked about how annoying the voices are becoming. They are encroaching on everything lately. It is so frustrating. I can’t do anything without some commentary going on. I know it’s only going to get worse in the upcoming weeks as I have to spend more time with my “lovely” father. I told her that I had to put off my physical therapy because of his stuff that is going on. I probably won’t be able to go through the course until the middle of February. Until then, I just have to muddle through like I have been doing. I did forget to tell her about my bladder accident yesterday and how it affected me. Oh well. I am kind of over it anyways.

About half way through our session, the pain meds kicked in. I really don’t remember what we talked about after. She wants me to get something to eat and rest. So I guess me going up and down stairs to the basement freezer is out. I am too tired to do that anyway. If I have energy later, I might do it. Course it is so cold out, I don’t understand why we can’t just put the stuff on the porch. Just wrap them up good in plastic bags and they should be ok.

Our mail is either really late or really early. Lately, we have been the latter and it is annoying because I am waiting for stuff to complete my loans stuff. I am getting more anxious about it as more time passes. My feet are bloody cold. Back to wearing thermal socks. I should just glue them to my feet because my feet have been so damn cold lately, even under blankets. It’s like no matter what I do, they are just cold and won’t warm up unless I have these socks on.