Tag: psychosis

Afternoon Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Afternoon Blog

I’m having a rough day. I woke up early in the morning. Went back to sleep around 0600 and then woke up around 1000. Was able to make breakfast without too much difficulty and then made coffee. The coffee energized me so I decided to read the psychology book, “Explorations in Personality”. I had to stop reading it in the middle of a page last night because there were no breaks and I was too tired to read the 5-6 pages to get to one. I read it to my despair. I tried to understand the language they were using but this book is over my fricken head. So I am just going with the flow of it. When I did come to a break, I decided to get dressed and pick up my prescriptions. I was feeling okay. Until I walked half a block and then the pain started. I continued my walk but it was too much. By the time I reached Walgreens, I was in so much discomfort it wasn’t funny. And why do they have the pharmacy always in the back of the store?? The extra walking really tired me out.

I walked home with ease but I was still hurting. Despite it being cold out, I was a sweaty mess by the time I walked back into my room. I thought I was fine once things settled down and I was comfortably in my bed with my feet up. Now my toes are smarting really bad. It feels like I hammered them all day long and the bones, 3 metatarsals under my last 3 toes are killing me to no end. I must have pulled on the pereoneal tendon while walking home and didn’t realize it because that is where it smarts. I just took a pain pill to quiet things down. I went downstairs to watch the pathetic Caroline/Seattle game and eat some pizza. Wrong move. What was worse was going down to my sister’s apartment to talk to her about my disability and about my student loan paperwork. She said that I had nothing to worry about, that I am still seeing doctors and such that can prove that I am disabled. We were talking about my MRI and possible surgery. Well, that brought my anxiety through the roof, which activated the damn voices. They are once again calling me every name in the book as well as saying I am just a lazy ass and not disabled. And that I am a fake. Meanwhile my foot is flaring up to no end, which is causing my PTSD symptoms to flare. Yea, I am a faker alright. I texted my therapist saying that if I can’t get the voices under control by next week, I am going in the hospital. I am getting so damn exhausted struggling all the damn time with this. It’s gone on for too long. I know it’s my fault, I should have taken the PRNs to nip it in the bud when it first started. But I have a hard time knowing when I am in a psychotic break and when I am not. My first clue should have been when the voices weren’t my normal ones. You ever see the Charmed episode where Leo is haunted by the others (can’t think of their name right now). How they were just swirling around him as they were talking to him? That is what these voices are like, swirling around me so that even my normal voices can’t break through. But everything is in hindsight now. I don’t think my psychiatrist thinks I should be in the hospital but I am getting more and more terrified as these voices continue. I might just do what they want just to shut them up.

I did take a trilafon last night, too. But they only work for so long. It’s not a long acting form. I think they last 6 hours top, but I would have to look it up as it’s been so long since I have been on it. I just hope I don’t need more of the trilafon because my psychiatrist will flip out. I don’t think she has mastered how to do prescriptions with the new system. I have 7 pills left. I hope I don’t have to use many to get the voices under control.

I filled my pill box when I got home from the pharmacy. I figured why not as it needed to be done and with my psychosis semi-out of hand, I needed to be sure to take the abilify. It didn’t help a couple of weeks ago when I missed a few days. I probably wouldn’t be as psychotic if I took it continuously. I really messed up and can’t help blaming myself for my predicament. Getting the SSD paperwork really messed me up. But my sister said that it’s because of the false claims in New York where there were fraudulent cases that everyone is being reviewed. Didn’t help my stress levels to hear this. As much as she tried to reassure me that it were people who hasn’t seen a doctor since their disability was claimed, I am still nervous about being rejected. And the voices telling me I am going to be rejected is just screwing with me. It did help that my psychiatrist said that I have a good case because I had CES twice. But what bothers me is that my psychiatrist nor my therapist have received paperwork from SSD to support my claim. They will gladly sign off on it, but they need the paperwork to do so. Maybe when they get the general release from my hospital the paperwork from my psychiatrist is in there. I don’t know. Both my PCP and psychiatrist are in the same facility, though obviously in different departments/locations. I will just feel better once I get an answer.

Great Game

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Great Game

I just watched the Pats beat KC Chiefs. It was a good game, though toward the end, you had to wonder why KC was killing the clock when they were down two scores. Oh well. Poor time management gets you no where.

I finally cleaned my ceiling fan blades during half-time and I wish I didn’t. I stretched my back to reach them (I have a low ceiling in my room) and am now hurting. That was why I was putting it off but I couldn’t stand the dust accumulation anymore. It drives me nuts. I am not an OCD dust person but seeing a bunch of dust makes me want to clean it. I hope it helps with my allergies or what ever is causing my nose to run like crazy.

Before half-time, I thought I smelled gas in the kitchen so I opened a window. It turned out to be the oil based paint my brother in law was using to paint something downstairs. It smells really bad and I think he opened the front door to let some of the smell out because it is drafty and cold in the house.

Mentally, I should be excited that my team won but I feel really down. Voices are still telling me that I am a no good SOB, though they seemed to have stopped telling me what to do. My anxiety/perturbation level is down so I guess they don’t have that much to go on. I can take the name calling. I am used to that. I will take some trilafon tonight as it is just annoying to hear. I am glad my psychiatrist got why they were amped up. She knows my stress level is dependent on the voices. I can tolerate stress pretty well but sometimes, especially with the SSD and then my back issues, I just couldn’t tolerate the stress anymore. I reached a breaking point when the stupid resident I saw for my back told me how to take the Neurontin when I was on a much higher dose than she was prescribing. Idiot. I used to take as much as 3600 mg a day so I know how to use Neurontin. A pesky 900 mg will do nothing for me and the voices knew that. That is why they wanted me to take the bottle, to be “effective”. I had to hide the bottle for a few days because I could easily have taken a larger dose than 3600 mg. But my pant size is already at its max for me and Neurontin makes me hungry so I rather not take it unless I have the burning pains I get. That is all this drug is good for. I know it doesn’t help my mother but she doesn’t give drugs a chance. She thinks one dose is enough to help her and doesn’t understand that you need a constant level to help lower the pain. Granted, she has never been on a high dose of Neurontin like I have and probably never will. I just worry that she might fall from Neurontin or something. I have walked into walls before and felt drunk. I usually felt this way if I haven’t slept off the effects of the drug.

I am glad my psychiatrist wasn’t afraid when I told her what the voices were telling me. I knew it was a fine line I was walking. But she knows when I need to be in the hospital and when I don’t. It’s usually up to me when I am in the hospital. She has only pulled the section card on me twice in the 20 years I have known her. And I have had a lot of hospitalizations in those 20 years. Being suicidal a lot of the time will do that.

Although I am relieved that my back isn’t in emergent need of surgery, I still cannot believe that a week will have passed to hear what the outcome of the MRI will be and what treatment I will be looking forward to in the next coming weeks. It’s still going to be a worry in the back of my mind until I know. As I was talking with my psych about this, I think PT will be the way to go. I hate to go back. Seems like I should just hire a PT and be done with it, but I can’t afford it. And I swear if they just tell me to go to a gym, I will fire them so fast. Or just ride a bike for 20 mins and then call it a day. I doubt I will be able to really use a bike as my leg is so damn tight and sore. I just don’t know where to go. I will figure it out once I talk to the surgeon.

Disability and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I met with my psychiatrist today. She is doing good. She had a crutch with her but she did the last time she came back so I know it isn’t permanent. She assured me she was on her way to recovery. We did talk about the struggle of getting dressed and such and now she understands what I go through. We talked about all the stressors that have lead up to my psychosis, most of which was my back problems and not knowing the results of my MRI. She looked them up and it doesn’t sound too scary but she isn’t a neurosurgeon so doesn’t know what the impressions mean. The good news is I don’t have CES, which is my main relief. Whether or not I need surgery or just go back to PT is at the surgeon’s discretion. He still hasn’t called and I called the office today and of course there was an emergency. He knows I am looking forward to his call so it’s just a matter of him getting back to me.

We also talked about disability and she is convinced that with my back issues, I have total disability but I would be pushing it for mental. The woman that handles my case that wanted to know of changes, still hasn’t called me back. She might be on vacation so I will call Tuesday as Monday is a holiday.

The whole afternoon left me wiped out. I am so tired and in pain. My ankle did not want to walk on the way to the T stop to go home. I wish I brought my cane. I never had this happen before, usually it happens when I am in the vicinity of my house. But I had to collect my CD with my images and that cost me some steps. I just can’t walk around the hospital like I used to do. It kills me that I can’t do that anymore. I used to be able to without a problem. Now it’s a problem. My thigh is killing me now. I will just take some pain meds after I write this as I have nothing else I need to do today. I am just waiting to hear back from the surgeon.

I am feeling a little bit better that I don’t have emergency surgery in the foreseeable future. I did look at the images and they don’t look too bad. I have a bulge at L3-L4 and again at L4-L5 that likes to touch my L5 nerve root. But that has stayed the same. I just wish the voices would stop hounding me and go away. It will take a while for them to go away though. It’s been more than 5 weeks they have been active. I need to take more trilafon to really knock them out, but don’t tell them I said this. They won’t be happy.

I woke up early again today. I guess sleeping past 0700 is a myth. No matter what time I go to bed, I always wake up well before that time. I either have to go pee or I am in pain. Most of the time I am in pain then I have to pee after I take my pain meds. I still haven’t showered. I was going to this morning but said the hell with it and went back to sleep. I am glad that I set my alarm or who knows what time I would have woken up. I had to leave the house before 0949 so I can catch the bus to the Square and train stop so I could go to my appointment. If I overslept, I would have been screwed. My doc was running behind because of the new system. It was torture for her. She tried to enter trilafon as it wasn’t listed and couldn’t do it. It frustrated her to no end. I told her I haven’t been showering lately. She didn’t have much to say on the matter. I will shower eventually, but not today. I just am too depressed.

I sold another book. It’s in the UK so I won’t be getting the royalties. I have like 12GBP that is in my account but I can’t collect because the stupid bank doesn’t accept anything but USD. It is so frustrating. I still need to work on my book. But I have kind of given up on it because I think it will sell like my first book did. And self-promotion really sucks.

I wish we could just skip next week and go right to the week of the 24th. I am not looking forward to my father’s upcoming appointment and my appointment with the NP for my pain management. It’s the first time going to the office without my PCP there. It’s going to be strange. I know that I have seen the NP but I am not sure she is going to want to continue with my management so I don’t have to see the MD. I hear the MD is nice and all but I still don’t know her. My fears about this are what fueling the voices still. That is why meds haven’t taken care of them all. I know taking the meds would help tremendously but it’s a battle because they want me to take more than what I am supposed to.

Waste of Time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Waste of time

I went to the hospital today to request a copy of my MRI. I figured it would be faster than waiting for the doctor to call me. I waited three hours for them to call me and it was wasted. I never got a call. By then I was hungry. I didn’t have the breakfast sandwich like I wanted because Starbucks was crowded and with my paranoia/voices, I didn’t think it would be a good idea to sit down. So I just had a latte and left.

My therapist was able to call me and we chatted a little bit. I told her that the paperwork had sent me over the edge. She was willing to provide what I needed but I told her she didn’t have to because it had to be sent in by Sunday. She also said we had to discuss what we wanted to say and everything. I think what is going to happen is that my therapist is going to have to write a letter saying that I cannot work due to my mental illness.

The lady I left a message with saying that my condition has changed never called me today. So much for calling right away. A lot of people I am waiting to hear back from, most importantly, my surgeon. I called his office while waiting and supposedly the message is on his desk. And of course, he is in surgery. I really hope I hear from him today.

While I was waiting for the records department to call me, I was contemplating going to the psych ER. But I knew that if I went, I would be hostage to them until I was seen and released. The whole idea didn’t appeal to me. But then my therapist called and put those ideas to rest. Today the voices are still rowdy but not as bad as they were yesterday.

I got to take a shower tonight. I need to leave early tomorrow for my psychiatrist’s appointment. It will be the first time seeing her since her hip replacement surgery. I haven’t seen her in a little over a month. It will be good to see her. I hope she doesn’t want me in the hospital. She knows stress always makes me psychotic.

I am very sad today. I found out that my friend’s dog, who had cancer, passed away this morning. I also found out this morning that Alan Rickman, the actor that played Snape in the Harry Potter series, passed. I was ready to bawl when I found out about the dog but I held it in. I couldn’t risk another day of getting a headache from crying.