Tag: psychosis

Still not good

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Still Not Good

I quickly took a PRN without the voices knowing about it and took an extra of the abilify that I take. Other than that, I don’t know what else to do. A couple of friends have suggested listening to music but the voices started their death chant with the beats of the music. I can’t stand loud music so I just turned it off. Sometimes listening to silence helps. My mother has gone to bed so I don’t have to hear the blare of the TV. I am glad she went to bed early. My shows are starting their new mid-season premieres and I am not recording them because I have nothing to record them on. I don’t have the heart to throw away the TiVo. I am still hoping for life one of these days with it. I will have to talk tech with the new TiVo guys because I have an old television set without an HDMI so if I need that it’s not going to be worth spending the money on the set.

My therapist never called me. My therapist is looking for a way for us to talk tomorrow. That will be good. I am just so stressed out but a little calmer than I was. I haven’t had many meltdowns but today was just the pits. My psychiatrist just got back to me. Wants to know when I do when I get report of my back. Nothing else was in the email. Guess she isn’t concerned about the damn voices or anything. I knew I should have paged her. But I always think of these things after hours. I wish she said something about the voices that would have comforted me somewhat. Sometimes I think she thinks I make them up or something.

I called my cousin who has bipolar to discuss the SSD stuff but he wasn’t interested. He never is. He just calls me when it’s convenient for him. Then has the nerve to say why don’t I call or where have I been like I have left the country without telling him or something. He is the lazy bastard that won’t take the groceries up the stairs when my mother goes shopping with him.

I hope I don’t have to see the SSD doctors. That will really stress me out. I know they won’t understand about CES or chronic pain. They may even not get PTSD and the like. They usually aren’t good doctors.

I just realized the PRNs I take for my psychosis are more than a year old. Crap. I still have like 15 pills. I don’t take them that often. Voices are worse at night, especially when I am tired and want to sleep. They want to have conversations with me. I woke up at a decent hour, after falling asleep at 0400. I had woken up at 0300. I hope that doesn’t happen again. I’d go to the ER tomorrow if I thought I could scrape by without a hospitalization. But they don’t like to hear when patients tell them the voices are telling you to do things, especially harmful things like take a bottle of pills and lots of them. They also don’t like it when you tell them you rather not wake up in the morning.

I never played the lottery so if my numbers come out, I only have myself to blame. But something is telling me that no one is going to win tonight. Jackpot will be 2 billion dollars and then someone will win.

Really Struggling

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Really Struggling

I got mail today that just put fuel to the fire of the voices. They have increased ten-fold since I got more paperwork for my disability claim. I am scared that I might lose my SSD because I am “fit to work”. I will fight it as my therapist and psychiatrist knows that I am not. The voices have been telling me that I am a lazy ass and other criticizing stuff. They all just say that I should just end it all by taking all my meds. I am freaking out. I took some trilafon finally because I thought I could handle them without medication. Not today. Today I am too vulnerable because I am stressing about my MRI results. The neurosurgeon still hasn’t called me with results and I am getting worried that either something is wrong or no new is good news. I know he might be too busy to call and if he doesn’t call today, I will call his office again tomorrow. Or I might just go to the hospital and request my damn records.

I am sort of scared for my sanity right now more than my safety. If I didn’t have things to do next week, I would be in the ER right now. This new paperwork has thrown me over the edge. I haven’t done anything today. I was supposed to go to the store to get my PowerBall tickets but I haven’t. I am scared that I will have to talk to someone. I really don’t feel like getting dressed and the money isn’t even motivating me to get dressed so I can play. I have a get well card that I bought last week that I still haven’t mailed. My friend is probably well now but want to let him know I am thinking about him.

I had a good friend call me today as I was so upset. It didn’t do anything for the voices but helped to talk about my stresses. I had therapy today and my therapist was encouraging me to take my PRN meds. I sent her the blog I wrote so she knows I have been having the voices for a while now. I have asked her to call me but she hasn’t yet. I am wicked scared that she will suggest going to the ER. I really don’t want to be hospitalized only because I need to get my pain meds refilled next week and if I am in the hospital, I won’t get it. It will be a pain in the ass to figure out how to get it because I am in flux with new providers. And if I have to wait to be seen, I will run out. Last thing I need is to be out of my pain meds when I have been having so much more pain lately because of the weather.

The new paperwork that I got said that I need to call if things have changed. I called because things have changed. I am psychotic, I am awaiting my MRI results for new pain that I have, and I have seen a new doctor (well one that is new to them, not me). I wish my phone would fucking ring. I emailed my psychiatrist about all the stressors that I have, well that I have stressors, I didn’t specify which ones are triggering me right now. I think that she will find them silly or not important. Voices have confirmed this. Course they are also telling not to trust my psychiatrist of 20+ years. I just feel really out of it and my head hurts. The voices are so damn loud and they are murmuring to one another. I find this annoying because I rather know what they are saying. When they do talk to me, they are telling me to do stuff. I feel really anxious but I don’t think an Ativan will do anything for me.

Therapy, Zaps, Pain, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had therapy today. It went by fast as we had a lot to talk about. I finally told her about the voices and she wanted me to put a couple of PRNs in my pill box. I basically said whatever. I have no intention of doing so. The voices are under control so I don’t have to be medicated. I know the longer I stay not medicated, the worse off I could become. I am just waiting for my stress levels to come down some before so they can go away. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be the case. The longer I go without the results of my MRI the longer, I am freaking out. We talked about that as it was a huge stressor and my anxiety was through the roof even though I took an Ativan. I just couldn’t relax. Part of the reason is the noise of the machine. It startles me. Loud noises tend to do this to me. It’s part of the PTSD. I called the neurosurgeon’s office today and I hope to get a call tonight or tomorrow with the results.

We briefly talked about our anniversary. She lost count of the years so I had to remind her. It has been quite a journey to get to where we are today. I never thought we would be doing therapy on the phone but it’s better than nothing. I do see her at least once a month now that I have a Zipcar.

After therapy, I went to my father who called and was complaining where I was. I went there did his pills for a week and a half and then left. The nurse never called me about his medication adjustment so I just gave him one pill in each box. I wasn’t going to wait all day for the call. She will probably call in the morning with the result. I am guessing it’s normal as I haven’t heard anything. I don’t have to deal with him until next Thursday. I lied. I have a doctor’s appointment with him on next Tuesday. Fuck it never ends with this guy.

I am very tired as I have been up since 0400 and haven’t had a nap. I am very annoyed right now. My back is aching because it is snowing and my ankle keeps doing this curling thing that hurts really bad. It’s like a spasm. I have taken some pain meds and an Ativan for the spasms. The voices are telling me to do stuff and I can’t quite shut them off. I’ve had enough of this day. Now I am getting zaps. I want to cry. I want to die, mostly. I think if I take all my meds it should do the job nicely, minus my pain meds. I don’t want a Tylenol overdose. That will really wreck the liver and that is something I don’t want. Maybe I will just have a margarita and call it a day. I’d have wine but I don’t think we have any. Margarita it is. So what if I took my pain meds and an Ativan. I need sleep anyways. Course that will involve getting out of bed. I am not keen on that right now. I just want to sleep. Is that too much to ask?

The Loss of a Legend

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The Loss of a Legend

I was first introduced to David Bowie when I was a young kiddo. I think it was the movie Labyrinth. He scared me in this movie so I never much cared for the guy. It wasn’t until I was older and heard his music did I really start to like him. Even now I can’t get the song “dancing with myself” out of my head. It is one of my favorites of his. I am saddened by his loss. I plan on getting the Labyrinth to watch as an adult so I am not so scared. I am not one for scary movies and I know this movie is not scary but sometimes things leave an impression on you.

I have my MRI today. I am really nervous and still trying to keep hydrated so I hope they can find a suitable vein for the contrast dye. They need this to distinguish between old and new injury as I had surgery on my back. My pain has been off and on so I am hoping that it’s not something serious. I had a few days of no pain and I was thankful for it, even though my ankle was a bitch. I have to have some kind of pain every day. It’s just the way it is these days.

I am listening to Adele. I don’t know why. Her latest CD is nothing to write home about. There are a few songs I like but don’t ask me to tell you the names. I really just know it by the beats. I feel like I am betraying Eric Church by listening to something else. I might go back to his music sometime today. I plan on leaving my house around 1515 to catch the bus to the Square. I will have something to eat and then leave to go to the hospital to have the MRI. It’s really cold today as the windchill is bringing the temp down by at least 10 degrees. The house is cold and I have had to put socks on my feet to keep them warm. They were starting to feel frostbitten. Stupid nerve damage. Soon as my feet get a chill, they become really cold and fast.

I really want to talk to my therapist today but I don’t think I will be able to. I have been texting her but that isn’t the same thing. She doesn’t know about the voices telling me to do things. I have kept that from her because she always gets nervous when I become psychotic. I think the anxiety about me being psychotic is worse than when I am suicidal. I was having a conversation with the voices last night. It wasn’t bad but they were annoyed so I was annoyed. I wasn’t giving in to their demands so it frustrated them. I am surprised that I am handling this so well and that I am not really freaked out. These voices aren’t my regular voices. I haven’t taken anything extra to deal with them. I probably should but I know they will go away once I have the MRI and I know the outcome of it. My stress level is dependent on the voices. Some people have anxiety, I hear voices. They keep wanting me to take more drugs than I should be taking. So I just haven’t been taking anything because I don’t know if I can trust my impulses. If I plan on taking one pill, they want me to take three. It’s the nature of the beast. Least they aren’t telling me to take a bottle of pills anymore. I was a afraid to take anything for fear of emptying the bottle in my stomach. I think that is why I didn’t fill my pill box for that week. I was too afraid to take any pills.

Despite having coffee and a light breakfast, I am wicked tired. I wish I could take a nap but I know if I do, I will feel like shit later in the day. I would read something but I am afraid that it will make me even more drowsy. I have nothing to do until 1500. I tried writing in my journal but there is only so much to write when you feel sleepy and want to crawl back under the covers.