Tag: psychosis

Feeling Weird

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling Weird

I just finished a chapter in “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman. This book just gets weirder and weirder as it goes along. But I am feeling weird. I am dizzy and lightheaded, even though I am sitting down. I feel like the voices are getting stronger and louder. I am becoming unnerved, like everything is bothering me and I don’t know what that everything is.

I am really tired and I know I should get some sleep. Maybe I am entering a dissociative state. I really want to die. The voices want me to die. They keep telling me to take this or that bottle of pills. I am in a lot of pain. And now my pinky toe on my good foot is hurting me for some reason. I don’t know why. I didn’t bang it recently or anything. I am so pissed off that I have another ache to deal with. I nearly choked on one of my pills tonight. It wouldn’t go down and I couldn’t cough it up. I was scared. But then I drank some more powerade and it went down, thankfully. I seriously need to cut this pill in half or something. I will ask the pharmacist if I can do this.

I am starting to feel dangerous. But not out of the control dangerous. This cold that I have is making me crazy because I can’t breathe through my nose. One side of my nostrils get clogged up and then it will clear and then the other side will get clogged up. It’s a repeating pattern that has been going on for several days now. I keep blowing out clear stuff so I know I don’t have an infection. My sister thinks it’s dust bunnies that are making me sick. If that were the case, I would be dead as I still haven’t cleaned my ceiling fan. Voices are after me to clean it, too. I just am lazy to clean it. It won’t take that long. But I feel that I can’t stand too long to do it and will have pain afterwards.

I want to text my therapist that I am not doing ok. I might send this blog to my psychiatrist so she knows I am not doing okay. I just don’t want to go into the hospital. They will just drug me up there and I don’t want to be drugged up. I rather be drugged up at home. Plus they will fuck up my medication and I will be taking twice the number of pills that I am currently taking. NO way, Jose. I am not going to sit at the nurses station/med counter with 30 pills to take because they don’t have the doses I currently take. Fuck that. And it won’t do no good anyway. They don’t understand about psychosis and stress, the hospital not my treatment team. I just want to be left alone, maybe have a few check ins with my pdoc and then be ok. I know this will settle down once I get the MRI report. That is what is stressing me out big time. It is no fun having surgery or the possibility of surgery hanging over your head.

I had spasms again today in my bad foot. It is driving me crazy because I am getting them 304 times a week now. I don’t know what to do about it other than to take an Ativan for it. It’s the only think that settles it down. And then I am toast for the day. It hurts to walk afterwards as I am so sore from the contractions. I really don’t want to live anymore. I am so done with this crap. I thought I was going to be fine this New year and not have suicidal thoughts. I was wrong. I want to be dead more now than ever. Maybe I should take a swim in the Charles River. I can go after my appointment for the MRI. I am right there.

Meds are kicking in as well as the Nyquil for this cold. Still can’t breathe but maybe if I lie down, it will clear up…

Pearl Jam, Coffee, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I woke up early and I haven’t been able to get back to sleep. So I made coffee. When I was done with my coffee, I had breakfast. I have been fighting a headache for the past half hour. I thought it was because I haven’t had lunch yet so I just made a cheeseburger. I am hoping that helps the headache.

I have been in a writing mood but nothing is coming to me. All I keep thinking about are owls and I don’t know what that means. I have been listening to Pearl Jam to drown out the voices in my head. They are just getting louder rather than softer. Having to deal with my father today hasn’t helped. I still got to call him back.

I don’t know why I am hearing voices. I know I am a little stressed out about some things that I can’t discuss on my blog. I have been writing in my journal but the voices are intrusive and want to know what I am writing all the time. It’s cold in my room and I don’t know if that has something to do with it. Just seems I am more vulnerable and I don’t know why. My psychiatrist cancelled our appointment for tomorrow so I have nothing to do. I might go to Starbucks, if I feel like it. I haven’t been feeling like doing much lately. I wanted to clean my ceiling fan today but said I would do it later and later hasn’t come yet. I am still feeling sick. My nose is still clogged up. I have been using Afrin as a decongestant but you can only use it for three days and I am approaching my third day. I know not sleeping isn’t helping this cold.

It’s a bit warmer outside than it is in my room. The heat system doesn’t work very well unless you turn the heat on 90. Then my room gets hot. So in the meantime, I got to wear layers. My feet are constantly cold now and I don’t know why. They feel frostbitten and I have them covered whenever I go downstairs. We have ceramic tile, which is always cold in the winter. This morning while drinking my coffee, I read “Explorations in Personality”. I wanted to get to page 100 but I bailed out at page 85. There was so much information that I needed a dictionary for some of the terms they were using so it was distracting me. I am still wondering where Shneidman got the list of 20 needs when the needs I read were not the same ones. That’s the only reason why I am reading this book. I always like to read first source information. I hope it’s later in the book.

I need to read “American Gods” later tonight. I haven’t touched that book in more than a week. I am charging the tablet as we speak. I have this book on Kindle. I am glad because I don’t think I can fit any more books in my room. It’s starting to become a library. I have bought so many books over the past several months and have no place to put them. One of these days I will clear my desk off and put them there so they are not on the floor.

I’m having a hard time focusing my eyes today for some reason. It’s probably because I am so damn tired. I wish I could nap but I am not sleepy. I hope I am not getting another migraine. That will suck. I had one the other day and it was not pleasant. Starting tomorrow, I got to try and increase my fluids. I figure if I drink at least 64 ounces of fluid for the next few days I should be hydrated enough for the tech to get vein for the contrast. I will be a peeing like crazy but I need to get my veins pumped up. I am really nervous about the MRI. I will need to take an Ativan and a pain pill because I can’t stand laying flat on my back for more than 45 minutes. The MRI tables are just not comfy. I also need to bring a face cloth as I am a little claustrophobic. Last time they didn’t have one and it was tough. I had to keep my eyes shut the whole time.

Still Shitty, but a different kind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Still shitty, but a different kind

I must have sneezed a thousand times today. It’s official, I have a stupid cold to start off the new year. I don’t know how it happened as I have been really careful, washing my hands after going out and stuff. I just hope this doesn’t turn into a chest cold because I hate that more than sneezing my head off and not being able to breathe through my nose. I feel weak at times. I haven’t been drinking a lot of fluid but I will be making a cup of tea shortly. I like drinking hot tea when I am sick. I usually just drink chamomile and honey.

For the past hour, I have been experiencing spasms in my foot. It’s causing my foot to jerk upward and it is very painful. Then I got zaps in my toes that made me jump and swear. Ativan and pain meds seem to be helping. My ankle is really hurting from the spasms as all the muscles in that area tightened up on me. I hate when that happens. It’s always my left, never my right. But then, all the nerve damage has been in my left leg.

I woke up early despite going to bed late. I was going to make breakfast but I think the thought of cooking made me sleepy so I went back to sleep. I woke up from my nap after having a strange dream. I was in my old house that I grew up in and my father was giving me a travel kit of toothbrushes and toothpaste. It was weird as it had the Starbucks logo on the little cup they provided. In the dream, I wanted chocolate or was eating chocolate, I couldn’t tell. It was just a strange dream.

I watched the OSU game today. They beat Notre Dame. It was a blow out in the first half and then they really beat them in the second half. I was sorely disappointed that the main defender Bosa got ejected for targeting. It was a dumb thing to do especially in the first quarter. He apologized afterwards. Zeke scored 4 TDs and his last one he gave the Bosa shrug. It was awesome.

I feel pretty shitty physically. The spasms wore me out and this cold is kicking my butt. Mentally, I am still feeling out of sorts. I keep hearing voices telling me to do things but I just ignore them. They want me to take a bottle of pills but I am not going to do it. I guess that is my fault they are active because I didn’t take my meds for two days. Last night they wanted me to take all my meds; I did, just one of each or two depending on what pills they were. Resisting their insistence is very tiring. I hope they go away soon. I really don’t want to go to the hospital because of them. I know they have surfaced because of the stress I have been under with the MRI and because my therapist and pdoc have been on vacation. They will be back in the office next week so I just have to hold on till Monday. I will tell my therapist about the voices but I am hesitant to tell my pdoc because I am afraid she will put me in the hospital. It’s always a slippery slope with her. I sometimes feel like I can tell her anything and everything and then there are things that I feel I should keep from her, to protect her. Or maybe to protect myself. I don’t know. I have known this doc most of my life and yet she still scares me sometimes. I guess I don’t want to worry her with my stuff.

My therapist is different. I can tell her anything and all it will do is increase her anxiety so we don’t talk about anything else. Then she will talk psychobabble about why I am feeling the way I am feeling. I don’t get to talk much when she is like this. She has her own ideas of how things are even if they aren’t that way. I just laugh, especially when she tells me to increase my medicine or to take a PRN. I won’t do it unless my pdoc says I should, which would mean having to tell her that I am hearing commanding voices. Being sick isn’t helping the voices because I am more vulnerable. I should just take Nyquil and be done with it. I will be knocked out. I wish the makers of Nyquil could just market doxylamine without the alcohol and Tylenol content. It’s a nice antihistamine that is very sedating on its own.

Other than football, I did do some reading. I am up to the chapter of Rape in Far From The Tree. It’s not about child rape but about women who had a child because of rape. I am still not looking forward to this chapter and might skip it. I never skip a chapter in a book so this will be the first time I ever did so. I just don’t want to be triggered or have images in my head of women getting raped. That is not why I bought the book.

Weatherman just tweeted the forecast for the week. Seems like tomorrow might be a better day for me to go out than Monday. Monday is supposed to be really cold. I guess if I am up to it, I could go to the Square and then go to Harvard to get my calendar. We’ll have to see how my ankle feels because right now it’s in a lot of pain and I am sure the spasms are going to cause some soreness.

Random 678

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I finally wrote my psychache paper. It gives the highlights of Shneidman’s theory and also some of the terminology that goes with it. It’s a brief paper as I am not as verbose as Shneidman was.

I didn’t go out today because there was icy rain and snow. I don’t go out in this type of weather, unless I really have to. I hope it will melt by tomorrow so I can get my soy latte. It’s really cold out and the temp is dropping again.

One of my Twitter friends lost his son as a stillborn. His grief is palpable. I really feel for the guy. But I really don’t like him showing funeral pics of his son’s funeral. That to me is just disrespectful to the dead. It’s a closed casket, though it looks more like a water cooler. It’s sad. I just don’t understand how someone can show caskets on the web.

Other than writing the paper today, I didn’t do anything else. I wanted to read but my nose kept on running and my room is cold so I all I could think about was crawling back under the covers to snooze. I woke up really early because my ankle has been bothering me. It’s the same type of pain I always have. The weather causes me to hurt. I have been sneezing all day which hasn’t helped my runny nose. I have had these sniffles for over two months now and they just won’t go away. Just on the safe side, I took a bunch of vitamin D to ward off any infection this might be brewing. I’m also having Chamomile tea as my stomach is upset for some reason.

I have to be better about drinking fluids during the day. The only fluids that I had today was the eggnog I had after my lunch and a little milk with cereal for breakfast. I haven’t had any coffee or anything else today. I should be drinking more water but I keep forgetting to bring some bottles up when I go back up to my room. I’ll try to remember when I go back downstairs.

I have been sleepy on and off most of the day. I just can’t snap out of the drowsiness. I know part of it is because of the pain meds I took this morning. I also think it’s due to the baclofen I took for my leg pain.

I am a few weeks away from settling my student loan debt. It will be such a relief once it is gone. Then I can tackle my other loan debt and be free, I hope. It’s extremely hard to do when you on disability. I wish I could have a job but I can’t work, hence why I am on disability. I still don’t like being disabled. It has a negativity attached to it that I cannot shake. Or maybe it’s the stigma. Yet despite this, I still get looked down upon with my family, especially my parents. I feel ashamed that I didn’t turn out to be successful like they hoped. Damn mental illness and physical stuff got in the way of that. I rather would be dead than deal with this shit, this loathing that I feel.

I don’t know why I feel so loathsome. I just really hate myself because I didn’t succeed the way I should have in college. I would have graduated had I just not withdrawn from so many courses. But I just couldn’t handle the pressure of exams. It literally made me psychotic and have delusions. Now I don’t know if I can go back to the state school I was going to to finish my degree. I was eight courses shy of my bachelor’s. There were just two classes that were legit that I had to withdraw from because I was doing poorly or there was a conflict with the professor. The others, I just couldn’t handle the workload. And I was only taking two classes while working full-time. I would withdraw from the one I had the better grades in or knew I could at least get a B. I just am not that smart anymore to handle more than 1 class. I miss college though, very much. I didn’t make that many friends while I was there, but I got to know the psych department pretty well. I could never do my suicide research there for grad studies that is for sure. I would have to do some social psych dissertation that I would absolutely hate doing. Or I hope I could just do a literature review and sneak by with that. But I really don’t want to get my PhD or PsyD in Boston, not unless I was well off financially and I am far from that.

All this talk about college is making me sad because I feel like such a failure. I have a huge student loan debt and nothing to really pay for it. My transcript has more W’s than grades. Also has a few F’s but we won’t go there. I have to be the biggest loser on the planet to go so far and not collect a degree. But I got sick and it’s my fault. I have no one else to blame.