Tag: schizoaffective disorder

hurting big time today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hurting big time today

I went to my father’s like I do every week. This week was different as he wanted me to go to the card store to get some cards as next month is birthday month. There are several birthdays between my sister, my aunt, cousins, and friends. I am going to be broke. I should have bought some cards myself but of course, didn’t think about that till now. I will have to find my way the next time I go to Walgreens. On my way to the card store, I tripped over the stupid sidewalk. The city my father lives is not known for level sidewalks and I kept on trying to look out for this stupid store that had cards for 99 cents. Fucking A. My ankle is really hurting me now and I am not happy about it. Mostly because my father didn’t even thank me for going for him. He is such a bastard.

I was hoping to wake up early so I could make pancakes but that didn’t happen. I really just wanted to stay in bed and screw my father but he would have been really pissed off. One of his meds I have to fill probably Monday so he doesn’t run out. I am so tired of going over there. Least I don’t have any where to go to tomorrow. I can rest my hurt ankle that I really hurt. Least I didn’t fall. That would have been worse.

I still didn’t get this check I am supposed to have. I probably won’t get it until next month. I really want to get my sister’s something for their birthdays but I don’t have any extra cash. This check would be awesome because I could take them out for dinner or something. I don’t know. Just throwing ideas out there. They always give me a lot of presents for my birthday and Christmas and I never seem to be able to give them anything. It hurts me. It just reminds me how fucking broke I really am. You would think after three years I would be used to it. I am used to it till birthdays come flying around. It sucks.

I got no appetite again today. All I had for breakfast was a yogurt and for lunch a granola bar with some vitamin water. I would really have loved pancakes but maybe I can make them tomorrow. Last night I promised myself I would read Harry Potter. Another promise broken. I fell asleep and that was it. I am never going to finish this book. I am having a hard time reading it and I don’t know why this book is different than the other Harry Potter books, except I despise Umbridge. It’s not one of my favorite books I guess.

I am in the type of depression where I just want to take my pain meds or some other med that causes drowsiness and just sleep. I just don’t care. I don’t mean to take the meds more than what I take, but just enough to get me to sleep. And waking up now between 3 and 4 in the morning is really pissing me off. I go back to sleep and I don’t want to do anything the rest of the day. Today was the biggest struggle. I just really didn’t plan on going to the fucking card store for my father. Extra spoons wasted. What am I talking about??!! I got no spoons!! I really just want to be fucking dead. And I am trying hard not to come up with a reason why I shouldn’t go ahead and kill myself. Yesterday, there was a jumper on the train tracks. People kill themselves every day. Why can’t I be one of them??

Quote of the Day 19 Oct 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, suicide

You should be thinking how to help the suicidal person generate alternatives to suicide, first by rethinking (and restating) the problem and then by looking at possible other courses of action–Edwin Shneidman, The Suicidal Mind

an injustice and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have been up for the past hour or so. I am in pain and I am not happy about it. It’s raining cats and dogs so I probably won’t go out. It still is muggy though so I have the AC running. I wonder if the rain is what is causing my good ankle to be so sore. I really need to eat something so I can take my NSAID. Hopefully that will help this pain.

While I was up, I read my Twitter feed and a friend posted an article about how a young man died in jail while waiting for a psych bed at the state mental hospital where he was ordered. Cause of death is unknown at this time, but it is not a suicide or homicide. The man was very sick. He had stopped eating, was covered in his own filth as some psych patients get when they are untreated. I find it hard to believe that the people who run the jail didn’t notice his demise and didn’t do anything to get this man the help he so desperately needed. According to the article and the buzz around Twitter, jails are becoming warehouses for the mentally ill because there are no psych beds available. It is sad that they keep on making more jails than psych wards. And what is even more staggering, is they keep closing units left and right. In my own community when I first moved here, there was a mental hospital and three psych units at the local hospital (2 adults and one for kids). Now there is just one adult unit and that is it. The hospital closed because of budget cuts and so did the other units. That is just in my area. I am sure that is the case in other communities as well. Let’s cut the psych unit before all others because who cares about the patients. And now they are wondering why there is a mental health crisis. Good lord.

It bothers me that this young man died all because he was in jail and didn’t get the care that he needed. Course, jail isn’t for folks like him. They do belong in a psych ward but why did no one visit him? Why didn’t his lawyer check up on him? All these questions and no answers. And you know the jail is going to be covering their ass in this day and age when the system is under fire. The guy didn’t do anything wrong, really. He stole $5 worth of snacks and got a death sentence in return. Just doesn’t seem right for a misdemeanor. $5 and within something like 50 days, he was dead. Just so wrong, very wrong.

I don’t know what I am going to do today. I wish my day didn’t start so damn early. If my mother goes to my aunt’s, maybe I will watch the season finale of CSI. I recorded it but haven’t watched it yet, like many of my shows. I still haven’t finished watching Rizzoli and Isles episodes. Though I think I didn’t record a couple because Maura’s father hasn’t been introduced yet. He was played by David Ogden Styers. He also played in M*A*S*H as Winchester. He is a wonderful actor. I could have a M*A*S*H marathon. I had bought the whole DVD collection because it was on sale at Best Buy. It’s one of my favorite comedy shows. I love Hawkeye and Frank. They are so funny. I really missed Frank when he left the show.

I have therapy later this afternoon. I hope no one calls me like they did yesterday. My mother called and then someone else did too. The one time I am on the phone, everyone decides to call me. My phone is silent the rest of the day. I just don’t get it. I think I have figured out a way to see her at least once a month, in person. I just hope it works. Otherwise, I am back to just the phone and not seeing her at all. If it does work, then I won’t have to change my father’s doctor either.

I hope to get some reading done today. I still have not finished the Harry Potter book, yet. I realized it’s because I really hate one of the characters in the book and can’t stand reading about how mean she is and a bully, though she tries to play it off like she is wonderful and kind. It’s not my favorite book because I know what happens in the end and I don’t like it. I guess that is another reason I haven’t finished it. I am half way through and soon as I am done with HP, I plan on reading about the Lusitania. I really should finish “American Gods” but that book is very creepy. It’s one of Neil Gaiman’s books. I didn’t realize he wrote so many books. He is a brilliant writer.

Suicidal vs Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Suicidal vs. Suicide

I got this from a fellow blogger. I somewhat corrected it so it wasn’t a run on sentence. But it’s mostly the author’s words. Original had “committed suicide” instead of “dying by suicide” which is important to recognize. That is the only words I changed.

“When someone ends up dying by suicide, everyone is there, they feel bad, they say they didn’t “see the signs”. They talk about how amazing you were and so forth. But if you tell someone you’re suicidal, everything is different. No one wants to solve the problem, matter of fact, half the time they act like it isn’t a problem, that you won’t ever “do it”, that it will just “go away”/ They treat it like a joke, well let me tell you something, being suicidal isn’t a joke. People do consider it as an only option, and treating the problem like it doesn’t matter will not get you anywhere. The only place it’s going to get you is a funeral. If someone tells you they’re suicidal, don’t push them away. Instead try to be the one to keep them here.”—realadvicebro.tumblr.com