Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Restless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Restless

After supper, I was really sleepy so I took a nap. A four hour nap. Now I am so restless that I can’t sleep, even though I am tired as all hell. I started watching the movie “Lincoln” and was dozing off so I thought I would fall asleep. Yea, right. Soon as I laid down, I woke up. I hate when that happens.

My sister tried to reconcile what she had said. I don’t know if she was responding to the blog I wrote or the Facebook message that I was pissed off. She offered to help clean my room as “having a clean rug will make me feel better”. Yea, that will solve my problems. A clean rug. Hold the phone. I need to call my therapist and psychiatrist and tell them all I needed was a clean rug and boom, my bipolar disorder and other illness would be cured. Idiot. I can barely stand the smell of the clean rugs downstairs which means if I do manage to clean my room (not happening but I can dream), I would be stuck with the smell of the chemicals for at least a week, which means I wouldn’t be able to live in my room like I do. It’s getting colder and I would have to keep the window open to air out the room. It’s nice that my sister wants to do this but it’s just not going to happen.

I am hoping my check comes in tomorrow, but lately it’s been coming in on a Tuesday so we’ll see. I will know in about four hours. I hope I am not up because that will suck. My foot has been bordering on severe pain so I might have to take a strong pain pill as the regular pills just aren’t covering me. I really hate taking the strong pain pill because I get high and dopey before I pass out. I hate feeling that way. I also don’t want to become tolerant to this medication so I rather take it as infrequently as possible. I know my psychiatrist wants me to take it when my pain exceeds my tolerance but I have the right to reserve to take it. I rather wait for the regular pain pills to work and then take the stronger pain pill if that doesn’t happen.

I don’t know why, but I feel like I am going to be in “trouble” when I see my NP in two weeks. I know I haven’t done anything wrong but it feels like I have. I can’t explain it. I know my childhood fears are going on. Why, I have no clue. I really miss my last PCP. He got my depression and was willing to work with me on my pain to help ease it. I haven’t had that consistency since he left. If I told him I was suicidal because of my pain, I know he would do something to help me manage it better. I guess I am just tired of fighting to get what I want because these drugs have come under fire lately and I feel that if I push my providers, I might not get anything. That is my biggest fear, that my providers will stop prescribing and then I will be screwed.

I don’t have any plans for tomorrow. I might try and go vote early even though it will be a pain in the ass. I might do it Tuesday when I have the car so it won’t be such a pain. Least, I am hoping I have the car to see my therapist. It all depends on if my check comes in and my car is available.

Sunday Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Things

I made myself breakfast. I made pancakes and as usual, I left the dishes and pan. My mother came home from visiting my aunt. She goes there every morning and spends a few hours there. When I went downstairs, I took out burgers and my black bean burger for lunch. The burgers needed to be defrosted so I will have them tomorrow. As I was cooking my bean burger, my mother said she was tired of cleaning up my dishes. So after I ate, I did the dishes in the sink (wish included her stuff from breakfast and lunch). My ankle is not happy with me right now.

My mother had the rugs cleaned yesterday morning. Now we had the task of moving things back to where they belonged. Some of the stuff was heavy and I helped my mother put those things back as she has a worse back than I do. I am hurting from it but I know I have drugs to help me. She doesn’t take anything and it would take her two days to put the things back. Now I just plan on resting and watching a movie. I follow a Civil War blog and their last post was of a trailer for Lincoln the movie. I am going to watch that. I love this movie. I practically know it by heart as I have seen it so many times.

My pain was kind of weird last night. I was hurting but it wasn’t skyrocketing. It was low level and one pain pill seemed to help it, which is good because if I keep taking two pills, I am going to run out by the 4th. I have to do a balancing act right now between the regular pills and the strong pills. I am sure tonight I am going to be in serious pain because of doing the moving of things to help my mother. I took a NSAID to see if that helps but I swear it works as well as a sugar pill would.

I got an email from my cousin this morning. She invited me and my sisters as well as their kids to her daughter’s birthday party. I wasn’t going to go because it was north of me and I don’t have transportation. I decided to get a Zipcar for the evening so I can attend. I have no idea how much this is going to cost me. I hope that my Golf car is available because it’s $7/hr. I will reserve it in advance so I can try and get it. It will be fun to see my cousins again. I haven’t seen them since my father passed away.

My sister just royally pissed me off. She just got my mother’s rugs downstairs cleaned. Now she wants to do my bedroom as well as my mother’s. I would have to do some serious cleaning in my room for my rug to be cleaned and I have no place to put my stuff. So I told her forget about it and she said my rugs are dirty and need to be cleaned. Sorry, they aren’t that dirty. Sure they could use a vacuum but that is all they need. It sparked my suicidal feelings. Once again, my things mean nothing to my family and I am being treated like a piece of dirt. Sure, it’s fine when I need to watch their fucking kids and everything but to help me out? Not a chance. It’s not fucking happening. I don’t give a shit. They can clean my room when I am dead.

Saturday Blog 66

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 66

I am having a low key day. I want to rest my ankle as much as possible so I am just sitting on my bed on the computer. I might watch “Lincoln” in a little bit. I love that movie. I was going to watch my football games but my mother had the rugs washed and you can’t go into the room for 24 hours. So she is watching in the kitchen, where I usually watch my sports. I might watch in her bedroom. Pain has been starting all day so I am not sure I will.

I woke up before 0700. I wasn’t in pain until I was fully aware of being awake. I played on the computer and was hoping to go back to sleep before the rug cleaners came but it didn’t happen. I didn’t go back to sleep until my mother left the house and it was quiet. I got up around noon and made coffee and had a pop tart. The pop tart didn’t hold me so then I made some fish and chips. My mother came home as I was waiting for the oven to pre-heat. She didn’t have lunch so I made her some fish sticks too. She started arguing with me about the fish, thinking we had fish filets but I had the last two and she didn’t know that. UGH. Which reminds me, I need to order some more fish sticks. So much for keeping my grocery bill under $150. I might take off some items. I like to click and then when I am not hungry edit the list. I am keeping the Boston coffee cake because who doesn’t like coffee cake!?

As we were waiting for the lunch to be ready, I was talking with my mother about pie pans. I plan on making a cake next weekend and I need 10 inch pie plate. She didn’t know how many inches the pan she uses for her yummy custard pie to I looked today and it’s 10 inches. I am glad because now I don’t have to buy one. It uses a lot of sugar so she probably is not going to have a slice of cake. She wanted me to make cupcakes but it’s not made for it so we had a discussion about it. I HATE making cupcakes or muffins because I can never get them right. They never fill the liners or deflate after they are out of the oven. It’s so frustrating. I still haven’t figured out how I am going to chop the cranberries for my cake. I might use my food processor, but I don’t want them too fine. I have a week to think about this. I would make them this weekend but I don’t have the ingredients and I really want to rest my ankle. I have been a baking machine the past few weekends. I think that is why I have been in so much pain because I haven’t allowed myself to rest in between days of activity. I need to be better about that.

Last night I sent a message to my support group on Facebook about my difficulty. I told them I was suicidal and that any condescending talk about it will not be tolerated. So of course one person wanted me in the hospital because of my state. Idiot. I didn’t respond and I didn’t delete the comment. My friends were great though because we talked about baseball and my friend from Australia kept on being “dumb” about the teams we were talking about. So I had to inform him of what we were talking about because it’s hard to read sarcasm. He can be a very sarcastic fellow. It was funny. I got some support and it was good because others have felt the same way though they never voiced it. The weird part is, the group is closed so I don’t know how new people are finding the group. I thought it would be cut off but I guess not. I hope people outside the group can’t read the messages. That would be so awful.

I will be going to a costume party next weekend. I asked my sister if I should bring food or dessert and she said dessert. I will be making my better than sex pumpkin cake. I love this cake. It’s very easy to make, which makes it even better. I just hope my pain levels are down so I can enjoy the party. It’s been so long since I have been invited some where, especially for Halloween. Now the question is, should I get my haircut or let it grow? It does need a trim as it’s been more than a month since my last cut. I got a good barber that I am comfortable with and the price is reasonable. Guess I will flip a coin and see how that goes…

I am beat

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I am beat

I left the house a couple hours before my psychiatrist’s appointment to have some blood work done. I thought a lipid panel was ordered so I fasted. It wasn’t ordered and I was starving by the time I got to the hospital. Figures. There was a wait for the blood vampires and I got one of my friends that I have known for years. Unfortunately, he has never drawn me before and had to stick me twice to get blood. After the poking and sticking, I left for Starbucks. I had about and hour to kill before my appointment. I got something to eat and my espresso. I then went back to the hospital and waited 45 minutes for my appointment. I wrote in my journal while I waited.

I wasn’t nervous until my doc was ready to see me. We talked more about pain control than about my psych issues. She wants me to take more of my strong pain pill than my regular ones because she said I was tolerant to the regular stuff. I didn’t think about that at all as being the reason why I needed so much more meds to calm my pain episodes down. She also is going to email the NP about my issues and see if they can do something for me, rather than just printing off my scripts and saying have a nice day. A monkey can do that.

She didn’t ask what my date was and I didn’t infer I had one. I am going to skip the date, for now and see if anything changes when I have my next pain management appointment with the NP. I see both my psych and the NP the same date, one before the other. Lovely. I should have had my psych appointment after the NP to let her know how it goes. I guess she will just have to get an email from me afterwards.

I missed the bus when I got back to the Square. I had to wait 45 minutes for the next one. I was not happy. My ankle was killing me and then my calf starting cramping up on me from the brace I was wearing. I forgot to put pain meds in my pill box so I went without. An idiotic move, I know. I wanted to get home quickly because my mother was cleaning and huffing and puffing while doing so. I wanted to make sure she was okay. I hated waiting and for some reason my damn Twitter app wouldn’t load new messages, even after I restarted my phone. I hated being twitterless. It helps pass the time. When I did restart, I got a flood of messages so my network must have been down on my phone, even though I had the bars. Weird.

My ankle is throbbing up a storm right now. I might have to take another pain pill. I don’t want to take the strong pain pill just for pain that is manageable. It’s like a 6 right now. I usually take the stronger pill when it’s above an 8. Course, the pain scale can be meaningless for those with chronic pain. My mother just called me saying she was making dinner, but I am not hungry. I really want a damn nap. I am tired after all the walking I did between the buildings of the hospital and going to Starbucks around the hospital, which was a few blocks away.

Mail had come as I was walking out the door this morning. I got my Star Trek shirt finally. I have been invited to a costume party for Halloween and so I will wear it for that. It’s not a real uniform, just a T-shirt with the logos of the Next Gen uni. I love it. I got to wash it though and hope it survives the first wash or I am going to be pissed. It’s got some kind of glittery things on the decals so that is why I am worried. I wish I knew where my real comm badge was. I did have the real uniform at one time but it ripped because I gained weight. I was really sad to throw it away. I kept the pins and the comm badge though but I haven’t seen it in years. Oh well. The place I bought the T-shirt is going to sell a real comm badge that is Bluetooth enabled so it works with your phone. If I live, that will be my reward. It comes out some time next month.

It was surprisingly humid today, which didn’t help my pain levels. Rain was in the forecast so I wore jeans instead of shorts as well as a button down shirt. I was sweating to death by the time I got to the train station. I was also cursing myself because I knew it was going to be near 70 today but thought with the rain it would be cool. I just wasn’t expecting humidity. Damn New England weather. Can never trust it. I have the AC cranking now to cool off. I am very glad I didn’t take it out when we had the low temps two weeks ago. Seems like Indian Summer is still around.