Tag: suicidality

Body image issues

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Body image issues

I know I have body image issues. I don’t like the way my body is, but I think that mostly is because I am in the wrong body. All my life, I have been told that I am ugly by my parents. Today, I took a shower but didn’t bring my clothes down so had to go through the house naked. Not a big deal, I have done it before, there are no windows to the outside and it was just my mother home. Big mistake. She saw me (there was no way not for her as I had to go by the living room door) and she starting shaming me! I couldn’t believe it. I still feel bad about it and so want to call her an asshole. But I will get my revenge another way. When my check comes in later this month, I am not giving her the full amount that I have in the past. I will give her less. See how she likes that. It’s just that hit me the wrong way. And it wasn’t the first time either today. I was watching the football game after my nap. I made a sandwich and was watching the game peacefully until she comes into the kitchen and then starts playing her dice game! WTF. I asked her to stop playing and she gives me an attitude. Fuck her. I am so done with her idiocy and disrespect. It’s ok for her to go around the house nude but it’s not ok for me? Who has to see her when she needs help getting dressed? Not the guy next door! I don’t say anything to her about her body so why should she say something about mine? I am just so sick of it all. I hate her. I really do.

Then my friend left me a weird comment about suicide. That got me into thinking about suicide again. Her rational for it made perfect sense. The only thing that bugs me is that she wrote it on a blog that has nothing to do with suicide. I don’t even mention it in the blog.

All this time, I am have been sparing my mother’s feelings about things. Now I get to say fuck you to her, though not in the direct way because I would get smacked to kingdom come. I have been nice to her so I don’t understand why she disrespects me. I certainly don’t disrespect her. I’d get my ass kicked, though probably not really as I can run faster than she can. And what am I sparing her of? She doesn’t even want to know me because of the book I wrote. Nice. Most parents would be proud their child achieved something. Nope, not my mother. My father has a free pass because he can’t read so doesn’t know I published a book. If someone has told him, he hasn’t brought it to my attention. Course, he would be more interested in the money than the work. He is an asshole anyways so it doesn’t really matter to me what he thinks. I stopped caring a long time ago. And he was the chief that kept on calling me ugly my entire life. Still does to this day.

Normal vs Abnormal

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Normal vs. abnormal

I realized today that since having a nerve injury, I don’t know what is normal anymore. I don’t know what it is like to not live in pain every day. I don’t remember what it was like working a full time job while suffering from chronic pain. I also don’t know what it is like anymore to go to the bathroom and not find surprises. This is what my life has become since getting Cauda Equina Syndrome and being diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS).

I can also say that I don’t know what it is like being normal without having voices in my head that talk to me all the time. My therapist and I were talking about this during our last session. I have to hear a “voice” while I read. It narrates the words. It usually is male as I frequently buy books that are authored by males. But it is the same male voice that hear. Without this voice, I cannot read. The words just do not make sense. Apparently, my therapist has told me that this doesn’t happen with someone else. She doesn’t have a voice that narrates when she reads something. I find this curious and so does she. As she puts it, “someone” has to “read” to me. But I have always heard the voice. Maybe it is just my muse reading to me. I don’t know. But then, I have lived my entire life since the age of five with hearing voices and keeping it covert. I guess the only ones that know I hear voices are the people that read this blog and read my memoir. Few family members know. I think my mother thinks I was “cured” I first hospitalized at the age of 16.

I was thinking about this whole normal vs. abnormal thing because I don’t remember what it was like having a normal bowel movement. I have to take stuff to go where as before, I just went whenever. I might have been constipated but if I don’t take stuff for it now a days, I can be backed up for a week or longer. And then I am really uncomfortable. I also don’t remember what it was like to actually feel the stool leave my body. I don’t have that sensation anymore. It has slowly come back but if I have loose stool, I really don’t feel it. Just like I don’t feel when I leak urine. My boxers will be wet but I don’t feel it. It’s not until I actually urinate that I notice I leaked.

I also don’t remember what it was like showering and feeling invigorated by it. Lately, it just has been an energy draining experience. I might have energy to take a shower, but then by the time I am done, I find that all my energy is gone. I was talking about this with a friend of mine the other day when we met up for coffee. She said that she would say this to her daughters, and they wouldn’t understand how it could be so draining. I thought I was the only one to feel this way but apparently, those of us with chronic pain also feel like this. I haven’t showered since the day I met my friend (three days ago). I plan on taking one tonight, before bed, so that if it does drain me, at least I will be going to bed anyways.

Also, since having the nerve injury, I find that I cannot tolerate heat. I never could stand the heat before my surgery, but after it I found that if I wasn’t in cool surrounding, I get very irritable and cranky. I don’t know how my mother can stand the humidity of the house today as the temp is in the 90s. I barely made it home but thank god for an AC’d bus. Waiting for it in the heat was very unbearable but there was not much I could do about it. There was a kid, probably around 4, that was playing with his ball at the station where I was waiting for the bus. He was annoying me because the ball was going all around me. I know that if the temp was cooler, I probably wouldn’t have been so annoyed. But I wanted to get out of the house as I have not been outside since Thursday when I met with my friend. My ankle does not like me right now, but I don’t care. I have the rest of today and tomorrow to rest it. I have plans for Monday to have lunch with my Aunt. I hope she doesn’t cancel on me again. We have been rescheduling this meet up for months now. I know she wants to chat about my book and about me. I am kind of nervous about it because although she is family, we aren’t exactly close, least I don’t feel that way. Then again, even with my sisters I don’t feel “close”. Some days I feel more like an outsider than part of a family, and I live with them!

I have decided to look over the letter that I wrote to my therapist the other night. I am going to type it up and then “blog” it so she can read it and try to make sense out of it. I will send it to her, too. She like having an archive of my letters. She is a weirdo, that is for sure.

Day started off good…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Day started off good…

Well, my day started off good. I met a friend this morning for coffee and we chatted until her train came around 1115. It was so good talking to her in person. She is someone that I have known via email for years and we don’t get to see one another, in person, that often.

As my father is almost a week late for his blood draw, I decided to take him today, thinking we would be in and out. Wrong. We were there almost a half hour and I hadn’t eaten anything all day so I was getting grumpy. The grumps got worse as I hit every single red light on from the health care center to my house. Then the bastard decides he wants to go home after staying a half hour. I am like WTF. I could have taken him home and be done with him, but noooooo. He wanted to see my sister. I am so annoyed.

My therapist hasn’t texted me with an opening today so I am guessing I won’t have a chat with her. It would have been nice given the level of aggravation I am feeling right now. Plus, a fire alarm is beeping because it needs a new battery is making me more annoyed than I should be. We just changed them this year so I don’t know why the hell it is beeping, other than the fact my mother buys cheap batteries. I had something to eat as soon as I came home because I felt dizzy. All I had prior was my mocha and some cross buns. I couldn’t finish the cross bun because it was so dry and I didn’t have anything to drink with it. So I ate half and went to pick up dear old dad. I am such an idiot.

My friend and I talked about whether or not I am gay. I still call myself gay even though I have come out as being transgender because I like women. I don’t think I can call myself straight just yet. It is confusing me. Something to talk to my therapist about next week. I was supposed to see my pdoc tomorrow but she canceled on me. Had to reschedule because she won’t be in the office tomorrow at all. Nice. So I have a day of rest. I should just go to the post office to mail my book out to my editor. I was supposed to do that last week but things just kept popping up. It’s all packaged and ready to go, I just have to go to the post office to pay for shipping charges and I am done. I thought about doing it today but didn’t think I would be able to walk after my meeting with my friend. It turned out to be a good decision (though in hindsight, maybe I should have gone to the PO and avoided my father entirely). My ankle started acting up by the time I got home to get my sister’s car. I should have had something to eat then, but I wasn’t hungry. Oh well. My mother is making soup for supper. I hope the dizziness goes away by then.

I thought my blood pressure might be low because all I took today were my blood pressure meds. Nope, I am still pre-hypertensive. Probably because I had a bad day on the road. I was behind every moron in my state, they didn’t know where they were going. Some turned their left blinkers on and went right instead. I am like WTF. I swore the whole time I was in the car while singing to country music. That annoyed my father. Good!

I hate being in pain and not being able to take my pain meds. But I was driving and can’t risk being under the influence while driving, though with my blood sugar being low, I don’t think that was good either. Oh well. I was careful. I am home now and not going out again so I can safely take my meds. I shut my phone off because it was annoying me too. I kept on getting text messages every few minutes from the T, my public transportation system. It was telling me of delays. Well, that is good but I wasn’t using the system today, other than the morning. I really don’t care that the buses and trains are late now that I am home for the evening. I have a headache, that I am hoping will go away on its own. I am out of my headache pills but I know once I have something solid to eat, it most likely will go away. My stupid father had to hit me on the head, saying there was a mosquito in the waiting area of the lab. Yeah, right. Did I mention how much I can’t stand my father?? If I get possessed to take him somewhere again, please shoot me or knock me on my head or something!

Foot and ankle hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Foot and ankle hurting

I really wanted to get out of the house today, but my ankle and foot were really hurting me today. I woke up in pain, took some meds and fell back to sleep. My back was also hurting, which it never does so I hope I didn’t over do it on Monday going for that long walk. So I just decided after therapy I was going to stay in and go back to sleep. Trouble was, I couldn’t friggin sleep. Brain was on high power and I couldn’t shut it down. Didn’t help that voices were ramped up. They were curious on what I was talking about with my therapist.

I talked to my therapist about my diagnosis. She said that I could be either Bipolar II or III. Great. More confusion of what my diagnosis is. But she doesn’t have the latest DSM and neither do I. I usually buy one just to keep abreast of the diagnostic criteria for certain disorders but this time I am not going to buy one because, I can’t afford it. It’s like 80 bucks or more. I haven’t even looked at the price on amazon. Nor do I want to.

I am glad I didn’t go out today as it is hot out. I didn’t have coffee today. I just didn’t feel like making it. Besides, I thought I would be going to Starbucks later in the afternoon. I suppose I could have left the house and gone to the post office. That wouldn’t have been too strenuous. I need to send my book to my editor as a thank you. I will try and do it tomorrow when I go out and meet my friend for coffee. I haven’t seen my friend in a couple of years now, though we usually just keep in touch via email. I am really looking forward to meeting her.

I have been feeling frustrated lately. I can’t seem to get it out of my head just how suicidal I was a month ago. I was reading my journal and there was no indication in what I was writing that I was suicidal until the 21st of July. Then things went from bad to worse. I still feel out of it at times. And the fact that I stayed so long in the hospital was a bit frustrating because nothing got done while I was there. I still felt like my needs weren’t attended to. No wonder people often attempt after a hospitalization. They feel hopeless when they get admitted and still continue to feel that way after they get discharged. My therapist has a packet of letters of my admission. She is going through them slowly but surely. It documents my stay and the treatment or lack there of, that I received. Even when I told them I was experiencing PTSD symptoms, all they told me to do was to take deep breaths. Not helpful.

I still don’t know how I am alive today. I am beyond amazed. But yet most people don’t realize just how suicidal I can be. And it doesn’t take much to get pushed in that direction. I don’t know if I am suicidal now but I know that it wouldn’t take much for me to do something. Today my niece called me a woman and I wanted to say something but I held back. No need to confuse her. I don’t ever think I will be called a man.

I slept pretty good last night, even though I still had some weird dreams. But I feel so tired right now I could fall right asleep. My brain is shutting down for some reason. Maybe the pain meds are finally hitting me. I am in a lot of pain and I have noticed that when I am, I can’t think straight. It’s like I go into another dimension or something. Maybe I just dissociate because I am hurting too much. I have done that more than a few times. Sometimes, when the pain is this bad, I will think my ankle is someone else’s, that it doesn’t belong to me. Pain changes you and no one knows it because they don’t see it. Sure, expensive tests will reveal the damage (fMRI’s can detect these changes) but not everyone can afford them. Doctors won’t order the tests because these changes that are seen, are seen through research only and don’t really have clinical value, meaning even if revealed, won’t change a clinical course for the patient. It is just so frustrating to live in chronic pain all the time. But I just take what works for me and hope that tomorrow I can go out to meet my friend. It is going to be an early day for me but that is ok. I have no plans for the afternoon, aside from writing my blog.