Tag: suicidality

back pain and weight

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I had an okay day despite waking up in pain this morning. It was really bad as I could barely make it down the stairs to go to the bathroom. I had a little breakfast and then pulled some burgers out of the freezer for later.

I really didn’t go back to sleep too good. I kept dreaming weird things. I got up around two to make myself a burger and found my back was a little bit better. My sister was cleaning out my junk car as There was some stuff that I needed and others I did not. My brother in law was able to get the Fast Lane transponder down off my windshield so I can now use it on my sister’s car. After I ate, I went downstairs to see what really needed to be tossed and what to hang on to. I found my second Red Sox scarf and a vest from my former work place. That will be good once the weather becomes colder again. It’s friggen 80 degrees today and I am not happy. I took a shower and then needed another one because I was sweating so much.

I was still kind of hungry after bringing the stuff upstairs, multiple times. I am sure my ankle is going to thank me kindly later. So I made some pancakes. I put in all the ingredients except one, sugar. I guess it was ok, and it was, as the syrup made up for not placing sugar in the batter.

I am feeling really worn out despite not really doing anything. I have stuff to do on my game but I don’t really feel like doing it. I have the wither protection on it as I knew I was going to be sleepy today. Waking up in back pain really sucks. I took a shower and that helped as the pressure from the water really eased the spasms that I was having. I still don’t know what I did to cause this flare up. I usually don’t get back pain unless I did something. Makes no sense.

I started thinking about what I want to talk about in therapy tomorrow. So far I got nothing. I know we are going to talk about being in pain and how my pain has shaped my bad thoughts. There is just too much pain not to think about going away forever or sleeping and never waking up. Right now, I am for the sleeping and never waking up part. I just want a restful sleep and unfortunately, I just haven’t had it all weekend. It is making me cranky and a bit suicidal.

I find it funny (not the ha ha funny kind though), that researchers are finding that sleep problems in childhood has lead to obesity in adulthood. I have a lot of reasons why I am obese. And the sleep disorder would be one of them. The thing is, most of my problem is that the medication I take makes me hungry. So I eat. And eat, and eat. I am depressed so who cares if I gain a few pounds. And besides, I want to kill myself so really, who cares if I am overweight?? I have been overweight since I was in the third grade. I remember the pediatrician telling me about percentiles and where I was and where I should be. Like a 3rd grader can understand that shit. So instead of being 80 pounds I was 90, big deal. Course now, I have to be 125 and I am close to 200. I would like my ideal weight to be 165, and I am just throwing a number out there. I have been working hard to lose but it is so fucking hard. And because I feel like I am depriving myself of food, I get cravings. Like for burgers. For pancakes. Granted Friday and Saturday I really didn’t eat too much because I was doped up. And it is not like I have to eat on a schedule. When I was working second shift, I would eat anywhere between 6-8 pm, sometimes later if we ordered out. So I eat when I am hungry rather than at a set time. I don’t buy junk food anymore and I might have just four sodas a month, if that. And I know once I lose the weight, I will be able to keep it off. I haven’t weighed myself in a week or two now. But I will in the upcoming days. I have one week to lose a little more weight before my next doc appointment.

Chronicles continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Chronicles continue

Although I had a good sleep, I still woke up with the same back pain. I really couldn’t do much today so I got my foam wedge and back supporter out. I put my feet up while lying on my back with the back supporter supporting my back. It was a homemade hospital bed. I was comfy and so took my pain meds with some Ativan and went back to sleep.

Now I have been up the last few hours and still a in pain. I don’t understand how this can be. Usually my pain is knocked out and I am fine because I am resting. Guess I really did something but I don’t know what. I haven’t lifted anything heavy or made some sudden move. I just know that I am hurting and I am getting worried the longer it lasts.

I would be listening to the game right now but I just heard through twitter that it’s 4-1 Tigers. Pedey hit a HR. Now if they can just have him in the lineup another four more times with Scherzer pitching to make it 5-4 I will be happy. But my luck, the next time Pedey is at bat, he will strike out. My Sox are sucking so bad right now. I know it was to be expected, but I really didn’t think it would be WORSE than the 2012 team. Well, they are not that bad, YET. And the problems are everywhere from the batters to the starting pitchers. I won’t talk about the fielding errors because there are young players in those positions so of course there are going to be errors. But the bats have been silent for the most part and the magic they had last year seems to have dissipated.

I really didn’t do anything today except sleep for most of the day. It’s kind of hard to do stuff when you are in pain. I didn’t read anything, yet today but I think I will later this evening. I finally am getting into “Far from the tree” by Andrew Solomon. It is a very interesting book. The next chapter is called “downs”, which I am guess has to do with Downs syndrome. I can’t wait to read it. I think people with Downs Syndrome are the most beautiful people in the world. They are just so cute. I know they have difficult lives and the syndrome varies but the characteristics of these people are to me fascinating. I had a coworker whose niece has downs. She is very beautiful, smart, and funny. I have never met her, but I get this from my friend. So I am really looking forward to reading this chapter.

You would think that because my back is hurting me, my leg pain that I have chronically, would settle down some. NOPE. It has not eased up at all. I am so sick of being in pain all the time. I can’t imagine living my life like this anymore. I have to call on Monday to get it refilled. I hope they don’t give me a hard time. I didn’t think I would run out because I really haven’t had too many flare ups over the last few months. SURPRISE! I had three flare ups, not including this back pain episode. And besides, my appointment was longer than the 28 days so I had no choice but to ask for a refill. I would have run out anyways. And all of this pain most likely has to do with the temperature going up and down twenty degrees. I HATE this time of year as mother nature is trying to decide what temperature she is going to be. It KILLS me, or more accurately, it PAINS me. I just can’t stand being in this much pain.

pain chronicles begin

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I am not having a good day. My day has been nothing but interrupted sleep and pain. Because my sister’s back went out on her last night, I kept my phone on in case she needed something from me. Now today, my back is hurting me, most likely due to change in temp. It was in the 60’s yesterday and in the 80s today. My back just can’t handle that kind of change.

I am so tired of being in pain. I know my mother suffers from chronic back pain as well. It runs in the family. But I am the one that has had four surgeries. Aren’t I the lucky one? I guess you can say that because of my having surgeries and still being in pain, my family is afraid to have surgery or even see a doc for their pain.

I have been trying to get a hold of my aunt that so desperately wants to talk with me but I can’t seem to get a hold of her. Oh well. I guess she will contact me when she is ready to. I miss talking with her.

I went and got my Starbucks today. My favorite barista was not there. She is very cute. But we don’t say anything more than a hello and how are you. That is usually all we have time for as the place is very busy. I brought my Experiences of Depression book with me today and was working on writing out the stuff I highlighted. It’s a laborious process as the text I highlighted are more like paragraphs. But it helps to write it out so I can give it some context to what I am reading. It actually makes sense now that I got past the Freudian stuff. Soon as I finish writing out what I highlighted so far, I will go back to reading the book. I am on chapter 2 so far.

I realized today that I wrote two contradictory blogs yesterday. One I was saying I wasn’t suicidal and the other one written a few hours later stated I was, well that I wanted to be dead. Pain will do that to me if it is consistent enough. I hope that my back pain isn’t consistent. I really was hurting today on the way home from my “happy” place. Then I had to pick up my niece and my walking pace turned almost to a crawl. I was still hunched over in pain. I took one of my pain meds so I should be ok for the next few hours. The pain was bad as it was going down my legs and my right leg felt weak. My mother wanted me to buy eggs but there was no way for me to bend down and get them as they are on the bottom shelf. Kind of stupid place to put eggs, if you ask me.

Pain hour and human suffering and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide

Well, my pain hour has been activated. Every night, at the same time, my pain level increases no matter how much time I am resting my foot or what I am doing. If I am about to go to sleep, I will get zaps.

Tonight is no different. I am so tired of dealing with pain every single night. I was fine all day without too much pain. And that is what kills me. Because I don’t see my doctor after 8 pm, he never will know how much pain I am truly in. This pain is very deceiving. I just wish I knew what activates it so I can put a stop to it. I have tried taking my pain meds before the dreadful hour but that doesn’t seem to work. I have tried icing my foot before the hour and that just makes things worse. I just am in pain no matter what I do, whether I do nothing during the day or if I do have an active day. It is maddening. I did not leave the house today for any reason. Yet my pain level is the same as it would be if I did leave the house. I did go up and down the stairs a few more times than I normally do. But I have stayed in my house/room before and that still didn’t stop the pain from occurring. I just am flabbergasted.

I am not suicidal, though I should be. I really want to just die without having to do anything about it. I am tired of planning my death without acting on it. I am tired of trying to act on my thoughts when my stinking therapist foils my plans or my psychiatrist hospitalizes me because of my thoughts. I need a good pain reliever that will stop the pain before it hits not after. Because after you take your pain reliever, you have to wait a certain time for the next dose and that sucks while you are suffering.

I don’t get why people can euthanize an animal to end their suffering but it is wrong to do the same to a human being. To euthanize an animal is considered “humane” while human suffering is what exactly? Why is an animal have more rights than a human? And why is it that it is the person’s choice to end their suffering and it being denied to them because of state laws. That is why I don’t tell my therapist or psychiatrist I am suicidal most of the time. Because I know it will lead to a “suicide status” and I will be prevented from carrying out MY wishes. Yet 30,000 people commit suicide every year. I want to be one of those people. And I don’t have a problem with it. Yes my family will miss me and people will be hurt. But why should I continue to suffer from this non-malignant chronic pain that sucks the life out of me?