Tag: suicidality

Rant continues from last night, but no suicidality

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Rant continues from last night, but no suicidality

I didn’t fall asleep until around 0300, woke up around 0630, and then finally at 0930 I gave up. It was a really bad night with side effects and pain. My arms and legs felt like they were being stretched. The spasticity was incredible. But luckily the Ativan did its magic and I got some relief. Too bad it also didn’t knock me out. The ball game ended around 0230. I figured I might as well listen to the game as I was up and they were playing extra innings in an already delayed game. We lost because an ineffective relief pitcher likes to give up homeruns. Every single time this guy is up, he gives up a homerun. Soon as he was called in with two men on you knew the game was over. I got pissed off but what can you do really. I sent some obnoxious tweets about the game, least I think I did. I was tweeting most of the night, either on my phone or on my computer.

Had therapy today and my therapist was in more of a talking mood than I was. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. That really pissed me off. I wanted to talk about stuff, like my suicidality going on hiatus, but never really got the chance. Last night is usually a night where the demons come out and I become really suicidal but I never did. I don’t know why that is. It is strange to me. I am not saying I would have ended my life last night, but I am just wondering where the suicidality went. It was like the furthest thing from my mind. Maybe my coping strategies have improved around my physical pain. I certainly wasn’t feeling psychache, or psychological pain, last night, not even in the wee hours of the morning. I wasn’t hopeless about my situation and I think that is a key component. If I felt like the spasticity was going to go on forever or that the physical pain was unbearable, I think I might have become suicidal.

I told my therapist it is weird not being suicidal. She went off with her psychobabble about why that is. I don’t even remember half of what she said. I wasn’t really paying attention to her. But the gist is she thinks that the Cymbalta gave me a lift that neither one of us was expecting. She thinks I might be a little hypomanic as I texted her more frequently than I have in the past but that was because I was hurting and wanted her to know. I wanted someone to know that I was in bad shape. Who else you gonna tell at 0200?? I don’t think that I am hypomanic. I am eating. I am not euphoric or in a real good mood. I still feel run down but that is probably because my allergies are killing me. I feel okay. I am not terribly depressed and I am not terribly feeling up. I am just somewhere in the middle. I feel content, I guess you can say. I just hope it lasts. I know it won’t though. Something always happens to bring me down. Or maybe the effects of the Cymbalta will wear off and I will just feel down again. But I will deal with it when it comes. It is rare that I feel this way. I am not hopeful that things will stay this way but I am not going to knock it.

Feeling suicidal has been a such a big part of my life that when I am not feeling it, it feels weird. I wonder if this is how “normal” people feel. I just don’t feel so dragged down by stuff. I don’t know, maybe I just feel free but free from what, I don’t know. I am realizing that my parents don’t know me and never will. And being suicidal because I didn’t have their approval hurt really bad. But I will never have their approval. A friend of mine sent me a link saying that Medicare is banning transgender reassignment surgery. I feel really down about this, not saying that I was going to have it, but I would have liked the option now that I am on Medicare. Seems like I have to put my transgender stuff on hold, again. I can never move forward with it like I want to. I should be in a suicidal crisis because of this but I am not. I think I am just waiting for my chance to die. The other day as I was crossing the street, a semi was coming down the road. I quickly thought, “this is my chance”. But he wasn’t going fast enough. I knew that if I did jump in front I would have survived. And I might be in worst condition than I am now. So some suicidal elements are present. It just isn’t 24/7 like it used to be.

I don’t know what happened

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I don’t know what happened

I took a big dose of Nyquil to calm my cough down and get some sleep from the allergies that have been plaguing me all day. Within an hour or so, I got a buzzed feeling and decided to sleep. Nope…not happening. I then got an itching for ice cream and had some. Well, that was stupid of me. Now I really can’t sleep and my ankle is sore as hell for going up and down the stairs.

I don’t know where all this energy is coming from. I am not high per se, but I am somewhere in between. My Sox are losing and I should be paying attention to the game rather than writing this blog, but I have no interest in the Indians. I am in a writing mood and that almost never happens. SO I am going to write…

I was listening to a song earlier about “got a little drunk last night” by the Eli Young Band. It got me thinking about my ex. I know I have not talked about her on here because it just is too painful. She was my first love and at this point, I think she will be my only love. But she has a lot of issues. More issues than you can shake a stick at. I won’t get into them but mainly her health is what scares me the most. She recently re-friended me on Facebook and then after an IM session blocked me. I have no idea what I said that caused that to happen. We were talking about how to get to a hospital that is very difficult to get to when you are not used to the surrounding areas. I was trying to get her to use public transportation as that would be easier than driving and poof, she was gone. Her medical issues are getting worse and I just can’t handle it. I know she is going to die sooner than I would because she most likely will go on dialysis for her kidney issues. She has diabetes to boot. And MS. And that is what I know of. She has psych issues too, which is probably why she went and blocked me. I feel bad about her blocking me. I thought this time around we might be friends without the benefits sort of. But now, it is not going to happen because she blocked my ass. I never had anyone block me before, least not that I know of anyway. I miss talking with her. And I guess that was the bottom line. But oh well. Se la vie. She is out of my life, probably for good this time around. It’s her loss.

I do miss having someone in my life that I can talk to. Someone to go out with and hang with. But at the same time, I am glad I don’t because I don’t need the stress of a relationship right now. I can barely keep myself together. My aunt just IM’d me. Said she wants to talk with me. Great. And I know it has to do with my book. I don’t know if I can handle talking about my book with someone. I know she is my aunt, but we aren’t that close, close. She suffers from depression too. Maybe that is what she wants to talk about. I just don’t want to cry in front of her. That would not be good.

I went shopping after everything I did today. BAD IDEA. My fricken foot is not happy with me right now. It’s swollen and it hurts. It is very angry with me. And I am angry with myself. I knew that walking around the grocery store was going to trigger another flare up but I needed my flame retardant Powerade as I only had one bottle left. I spent more than I should have as I went a little crazy. The baked beans were on sale. I love baked beans. My mother told me to buy two, and I bought four. Then I had to buy bread and ice cream. I really didn’t need the ice cream but wanted to have it. I just had some, in case you were wondering. A late night snack. I really want to make a cheeseburger but I will tomorrow. I am in no condition to operate a stove. I still feel buzzed out from the Nyquil.

I am going to ask my therapist what the hell are the objects Freudians talk about in their literature. It is bugging the crap out of me. I just hope I remember to ask her. Because unless you know what the hell they are talking about, the sentences make no sense!!

This week’s AAS post was about coming out as an attempt survivor and then getting fired because of it. It is discrimination just like I was discriminated against because of my mobility issues. But getting back to the article, I think it was an eye opener. Now I feel that anyone that reads my book is going to know my deep darkness and it might cost me a job or two or three. Leave aside my debt issues, and what do I have to show for the last two years? Writing this blog and a book about my struggles with mental illness. I am lucky I am on disability because I really don’t think I can hold a job anymore than I can stand more than twenty minutes in one place. I want to be a barista but I don’t think I can stand to be on my feet for eight hours. Course, working at a place where you can screw up a double skinny no whip latte can be challenging and then having to make it again because it is “cold”, might piss me off. I vowed after working for a place for three years that went out of business, that I would not go back to retail. But I like customer service. I like interacting with people. It is the one thing that I miss most about not working is the isolation it brings. I don’t have many friends outside of the internet. Sure I have family but if you look at my call list, you will not see that many calls from friends where there used to be many. I hardly go over my limit of 450 minutes anymore because most of my calls are mobile to mobile. The only person to call me from a landline is my mother, usually. My father will also call from a landline. And the most they will talk to me is a minute or two. Boring.

I don’t know why I am getting pain in my “good” leg. Started with zaps in my heel and ankle and now I am getting pain in my calf. I think something is wrong with my back. I haven’t been getting back pain but for me to be having pain down my leg, it has to be coming from the back. And that scares me. I don’t want another surgery. I don’t even want to see another neurosurgeon for the rest of my life. I will kill myself if I have to have another back operation to repair my disc. I will have to have a fusion and I just don’t want to because that will mean permanent disability. Not saying I can work now but there is a chance I might find office work as a receptionist or something but that will go down the tubes if my back is gone and fused. I will lose whatever mobility I have and I just can’t risk that. I rather be dead.

Finally, a little motivation

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Finally, some motivation

I woke up at a normal time, between 0800 and 0830. It is the first time in I don’t know how many months that I slept that “late”. I actually woke up rested and rearing to go, despite this cough from hell that I have. The weatherman said there will be downpours later in the day so I went to the post office to mail out my last two signed books. They have been sitting on the edge of my bed for weeks and now that they aren’t there, I am kind of sad. I am out of the copies that I purchased for myself. I only have one more book and I think I am going to keep it, unless someone buys it off me. One of the books that I mailed out went to the Netherlands. I have a friend there that was interested in my book.

After the post office, I did nothing but play on the computer. It’s sad that I haven’t sold any books so far this month. I only sold 7 last month. I was getting on a roll of selling one per day and then it just stopped. I am going to try and do more to promote my book but it’s so difficult as I don’t know what avenues to go down. I think I have to target the right audience but I don’t know how to find it because my book is so limited. It’s not like it is a romance novel. It is a book about my struggles with suicidality and how I thought about ending my life numerous times over the years. Not a book that screams “buy me”, unless you have been there or like reading stories of struggle.

After my therapy appointment that went ok, I still had energy so went to Starbucks for coffee. I tried writing notes from the Experiences of Depression book but after a few dozen pages, I got bored. I still had to do a few more errands so I stopped writing to go to the meat market to get burgers for dinner. I then went to the square post office to pick my mother up some stamps. I didn’t tell her I was going on the first trip. Oh well. I like the Square office better because it is bigger.

I have therapy again tomorrow. I don’t know why I asked for an additional session. I think I go to therapy just to pass time. Sad and pathetic I know. But as long as she has time available, I will take it. Besides, I like to know what Freud means when he talks about “objects”. The Experience of Depression book was talking a lot about it and I don’t know what the hell it is in reference to. Does it mean a person or an actual object like a teddy bear? Or in Freud’s case, a pacifier?

Baseball, Allergies, and Other Stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Baseball, Allergies, and other stuff

I think the cold in my throat/chest is nothing more than allergies gone haywire. Since taking the antihistamine, I have been fine, until I forgot to take it last night. My nose is running like a faucet, eyes are itchy, and the post nasal drip has been want to force things out of my stomach. So far, I have been able to keep things down. I just had pasta with garlic so hopefully that will help keep some of the allergens away from me (wishful thinking but what the hell).

I had therapy today and I didn’t want to. I should have cancelled tomorrow when I had the chance but I was stupid and didn’t call. I am so sick of talking to her. Next week I get a little break. I talk to her on Monday morning and Wednesday. I am hoping it won’t be so bad but my mood can change on the dime. Right now I am feeling a little frustrated with therapy. We talk about the same thing nearly every single session. It is getting so boring. I thought reading this depression book would be good for us to talk about, which it is, but I haven’t been able to read it since Thursday because I have been in a lot of pain. The book is dense and takes some effort to read it.

And she is hung up on the song idea. Leave me alone. When a song comes my way, it will. Forcing it is not going to help. So I told her I had a song but I don’t really know if I do or not. I have to listen to it a few more times to see if it fits me or not. I just know it’s by the Band Perry. I don’t remember the name of the song.

In baseball news, I am PISSED. One of my pitchers got a 6 game suspension for throwing the ball over the batter’s head. He did not hit the pitcher at all, yet he gets suspended. Meanwhile, in the same game, the opposite pitcher hits 2 men and gets NOTHING. No ejection, no fines, no suspensions. NOTHING!! It is a conspiracy against my Sox!! And I am not happy about it. I am beyond PISSED about it!! WTF.

OK I said my rant about baseball. My depression is still the same, though I think it is finally getting better. I was able to get out of the house today for the first time since Friday without too much pain. I went out Sunday to get my scripts but that caused me too much pain and I had to spend another day on the DL. I felt bad because I was supposed to go to my niece’s graduation ceremony but I couldn’t stand or walk more than a few feet without pain. I had to take another strong pain killer yesterday to help with the pain and break the cycle. Surprisingly, I haven’t been suicidal nor have the demons come out. I guess I am just too tired. I don’t feel hopeless like I used to so I think that is helping me. Hopelessness and depression usually cause one to think about suicide. I still think people would be better off without me though. And if I had a chance to kill myself without pain, I would do it. But I just am not feeling it.

A friend of mine is reading my book. So far she likes it. I hope that she writes a review on Amazon. I am going to try and get her to. That will be three reviews I have on my book. I will be happy.