Tag: suicidality

No Rest for the Weary

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

No Rest for the weary

I woke up at 0400 yesterday (30-May) in severe pain. I took some meds and then tried to go back to sleep. I slept for a couple of hours and then my alarm went off. I had an appointment with my pdoc. The appointment went well, we decided to stay the course with the increase in the mood stabilizer and see if the Cymbalta is truly making me sick by not taking it tonight. It really doesn’t matter as I doubt I will continue taking it. My mood has improved over the last two weeks, well at least compared to last week where I was in bed every day. I couldn’t do a damn thing without sleeping all day.

I wanted to take a nap very badly as my sister had tickets to the Red Sox game and I wanted to go. But I never got a nap so was really cranky. The tickets were part of my youngest niece’s school group and I was around kids. BAD, very bad for me because I swear a lot during the game. I had to twitter my curses during the game rather than say them outloud but toward the end of the game, most of the kids went home so I could curse. And it was a hell of a game. Two brawls. Three ejections. And the Rays were “scot free”. I don’t know what the Sox did to piss off every umpire in the MLB but it’s getting obvious there is a conspiracy out there with their calls going against Boston. And the sad part is that for the next two days, we have the same umpiring crew so it will be the same bias.

I did a lot of stair climbing and my foot is now paying the price. My foot pain did not abate during the day. I have been dealing with it like I said before, since 0400. I have been taking my pain medication which brings the pain down a notch but during the end of the game, I wasn’t able to take an additional med for the ride home. And it was a ride. The trolley ride, in which I was standing, killed me as I was putting too much pressure on it to stand upright. My foot is thanking me so much by swelling and not being able to move my toes. I am beyond miserable and I can’t sleep. I have been up for almost 24 hours. I love my niece but she was such a whiny brat tonight. I know part of it was because it was past her bed time but I had no nerves left to deal with it because of my sleep deprivation and pain level. I didn’t let on but I really wanted to say something to her but I didn’t. I had a good time at the game, despite the kids and aggravation. I tried my best to zone out as much as I could. My sister was the cheering squad but she was doing that to keep from being bored. Baseball is not her thing. But she was a trooper staying until the end of the 9th inning, despite a tied score. I had to leave by this time because the pain had become intolerable. I don’t know how many stairs we went down to get to home but it was a lot and my ankle did not appreciate it.

So now I am home, I have my foot elevated. I am medicated. Yet I am not sleepy despite being overtired. I don’t have anything that I have to do today. I had wanted to get my haircut, go to the post office, and pick up my prescriptions but that is way too many spoons (energy) at this point. I don’t think I am going to do much other than veg out. If I am lucky, I will sleep past 0600. I am tempted to take an Ativan to sleep but having decided to take a stronger pain medication tonight, I don’t want to risk further side effects.

Despite being in severe pain, I am not suicidal like I thought I would be. This is the fourth or fifth day in a row that I have been dealing with my foot pain, the same kind of pain every single day. I just haven’t been able to get a break from it. I am hoping that taking the stronger pain medicine breaks the cycle and I get some relief but there is no guarantee that will happen. Right now, all I want is some pain free sleep. But it doesn’t look like I will be getting it. I still am waiting for my meds to kick in, and it has been over an hour since I took them.

It is strange not being suicidal when I am in so much pain. You would think that I would be, that I would want that escape. I guess part of it is that I am not feeling hopeless about it. And I am not severely depressed like I was. Pain changes the way you cope with things. Right now I am feeling the pain but also trying to block it out of mind. I guess when I can no longer do that, maybe then I become suicidal? I guess we will find out soon enough.

Nerve pain is no joke

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I laid down a little while ago to try and get some sleep but my foot had other plans. It feels like it has been submerged in ice cold water and then thawed out. I feel like every nerve fiber, neuron, and nerve bundle is firing all at once. I am in agony and there is nothing I can take for it except to wait it out. The funny thing is that I take Cymbalta which is supposedly a neuropathic medication used to treat this type of pain. Either I am on too low a dose or it just doesn’t work for me. I just want to sleep and I am itching on despair.

I didn’t think this would happen. I thought I would be in physical pain, bone crushing pain, not nerve pain tonight. I hate feeling so helpless as my foot is hurting and there is nothing I can take for it. I just have to wait for it to calm down on its own. If it was just one part of my foot, I could put a gel on it but the pain is ALL over my foot and I can’t put that much gel on my foot. I will get it everywhere and I don’t know if it will be effective. Nerve pain sucks!!!!

I am deeply frustrated that there is nothing I can do but suffer. This is why I become suicidal because my situation is hopeless. There is no end to this pain. The only way to stop the pain is to end my life. And I want to so bad. But my family needs me, least I think they do. My sister has been depending on me more to take care of her younger daughter as I have been babysitting more. I am supposed to be up in five hours to take my sister’s car so that I can transport my father to his medical appointment. I don’t know if I can survive a day on five hours of sleep. This just totally sucks. and I feel like I should just end things. My life would be better off if I were dead. People don’t understand that being in chronic pain sucks. Least with cancer, you know there is going to be an end. But with chronic pain there is no terminus. It just goes on and on.

My foot is still swollen from today’s activities. I won’t be walking too much tomorrow, thank goodness. I know I overdid it today and that is why I am hurting. Seems that whenever I think I can go back to work I will have a night like this to remind me that I can no longer work an eight hour shift. I don’t even know if I will be able to work half a shift. I miss my coworkers though. I would love to be able to return to my old job but I don’t think I can physically do that type of work anymore. It just sucks. But maybe by not being here anymore I don’t have to worry about working at all or about my finances and being broke all the time. Having complex regional pain syndrome really does stink. and pain flare ups are the worse.

restless depressive state

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

Had a long morning. My father’s doctor was at least forty minutes late, per usual. I am glad I canceled my appointment with my therapist. There would be no way to talk to her.

I then visited a dear friend who is in the hospital fighting cancer and an infection. She had surgery to remove the cancer and developed an infection. She looked very drained. I feel really bad for her. This is the second time she has developed cancer. I hope that it was caught in time. I don’t want to lose my friend.

I have been in a restless depressive state all day. But now it quickly turned into a moody state because I crapped myself. I should have gone to the bathroom before leaving the hospital but thought I could make it home in time. I really don’t like taking a crap outside of my house. I like having my supplies handy. I know I should carry them with me but 9 out of 10 times I never have to do a number two so why bother. I just feel so humiliated. I would have been fine if I didn’t stop to check the mail. It was two minutes, too long. I am such an idiot.

I texted my therapist about being an idiot. I don’t have another session with her till Thursday. I wish I was having one tomorrow. But I had to cancel my time because my father had another doctor appointment tomorrow. Oh the joys of spending all this time waiting in doctors offices. I wish these docs ran on time but they never do. I don’t know any doc that runs on time. Even my own!

I didn’t take the mood stabilizer today. But I think taking it is helping my pain. Since taking it, I have noticed a marked decrease in my nerve pain and general pain as I have been using my pain medication less. I don’t know about today though because I did a lot of walking in my AFO getting around the hospital. Hopefully I won’t be in too much agony later tonight.

I hope that I don’t have excruciating pain tonight. It will not bode well with my mood and might put in a suicidal state of mind. I hate being restless. I am going to try and read after I finish this blog. Maybe that will calm down some of the restlessness. I certainly can’t sleep and I don’t want to take an Ativan unless I absolutely need it. I just wish my dignity was intact today. Not to say the day was going well but the crapping my pants just made everything worse. Made me feel like I was a little kid again, and not in a good way. I just feel so terrible. I know rationally it wasn’t my fault, it was stupid nerve damage that caused it. But I still feel like I should have controlled myself some way, even though I can’t anymore. I thought with being constipated I was safe but I guess not. It really is hard to gauge your bowels when you have nerve damage to them. I really don’t know if I am being too harsh with myself or not. As a grown up, you think you should be able to control yourself and when that gets damaged, you just feel awful. I know I am lucky that my damage is minimal as I still have some control. Others have lost theirs entirely. But after dealing with this loss for 13 yrs now, it’s just sucks when you have an accident, plain and simple. And the worst part is that other than my therapist, there is no one I can talk to about it. It’s not like I can tell my sister or a friend. A CES friend would be the only other person to understand. But I am tired of just going on the group site to say that I had an accident and feel terrible when I know most of them have accidents everyday and I don’t. Doesn’t make it easier to deal with and it is so isolating.

blog about book and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

My sister had a BBQ today. I didn’t stay long. Just long enough to stuff my face and then leave. I wasn’t feeling very social. I told my father he has a doc appointment tomorrow so I didn’t have to call him. He called me anyway tonight to find out what time he had to leave his house. Bugger. I also have to deal with him on Wednesday. I would rather have back to back sessions with my therapist than deal with my father’s appointments.

I have been in a low mood all day. I slept after I ate and just woke up in time to take my night meds. I don’t feel rested. But I do feel restless. I feel like I should do something but I don’t know what. I don’t feel much like reading, though I probably should as the books keep getting higher instead of lower. I am reading a book on the Myths of suicide. It’s an interesting book. But it stirs too much feeling up for me that I have to read it in spurts.

The other books that I am reading is on the civil war, experiences of depression, and Far from the tree. I also seem to read multiple books at the same time. I can never decide which one to read or what will suit my mood. I am also reading a book about blunders in history. That is a book that I read on my travels. I mostly read that when I am on the train.

Tomorrow I am going to have to pay for my coffee. I can’t use my Starbucks card because there are no funds on it and it would be stupid to add three dollars on to it. I found a new coffee, Brezza. It is so good. I hope it lasts throughout the summer.

Despite today being a holiday, my therapist was in the office so we had a session. A useless session. I just felt like we were talking with an elephant in the room but ignoring the elephant. Though I don’t really know what the elephant was standing for. We went over the Experiences book but she doesn’t remember a lot about it as it has been years since she last read about Blatt. She wants me to skip some chapters and just focus on the anaclitic depression and interjection of depression but I can’t do that. I HAVE to read a book from start to finish. I know some people can mix up the chapters and just read what they want to read but I feel like you miss something if you do that. Course, when I was reading Dostoevsky, I found his writing to be able to pass on and others you cannot. His writing is similar to mine, though definitely not in depth. He will start writing about a couple of things and then go off on tangents. I find that some of my blogs go the same way. I do miss reading his works. Maybe after I finish one of my books, I will re-read the Idiot, a book I read in college.

Still not feeling any suicidal inclinations. It is so weird not being suicidal after you have been suicidal for so long. I am by no means saying I am better. I still have horrible depressions and psychotic episodes. I just don’t feel like killing myself all the time. Maybe that is the elephant in the room today. I wanted to talk about my non-suicidal feelings and my therapist didn’t really give me a chance to do so. I hate when that happens. She was more focus on how I was going to deal with my father the next few days. He can make me feel so small and also cause me to drink. I am not an alcoholic but only drink when all my buttons have been pushed by him. It’s either drink or do something destructive.

I should email the AAS editor and see when my blog is next going to be posted. It has been more than a month and I still have not heard anything. Maybe they don’t want my story any more but it would be nice to be told that.