Tag: suicide attempt

Saturday blog 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Saturday Blog 4

I started doing this blog to ease into writing just once a week but it hasn’t turned out that way. I have been having a rough day staying awake. I woke up at 0230 after some dreadful dreams and could not go back to sleep afterwards. My sleep all week has been turned upside down because of these weird, disturbing dreams I have been having. I hope they go away but I am exhausted because I can’t sleep.

Today I forced myself to sleep a few hours by taking a couple of ativans this morning around 10ish. When I woke up it was about baseball game time. The Sox lost to the Indians. It was a very close game but fucking AJ sucked today as a catcher and batter and we lost the game. He is the one player on the team I do not like. I don’t know why.

I did go out to get my prescriptions. I got some candy because I felt like having something sweet. I should have bought the big bars of candy and not the mini bites. The mini bites are dangerous and can be eaten very quickly. I already have like 4 left in the small bag. They will be gone by the end of the day. My mother went to a graduation party. I hope she brings home some cake. I haven’t had it in a long time. I love cake! Not the frosting, well a little bit of frosting, but not much. I saw on Facebook a cool cake that if I make it to my next birthday, I am going to have my mother make. It is a loaf cake and if she makes her marble cake with vanilla frosting it will be superb.

I haven’t done anything to do with hygiene today. I don’t feel like brushing my teeth and I don’t feel like showering. I should brush my teeth as it has been a few days but we’ll see. It is just so hard to do when you are feeling down. The sox losing didn’t help my mood. My foot is still hurting from going to the game the other night. I still wasn’t in the mood to go. I think I need to be back on the Cymbalta. Since not taking it, my mood has slowly hit rock bottom. Course I keep forgetting to take the mood stabilizer in the morning. I am not good at taking meds in the morning/afternoon. One of the dreams I had (and there have been at least two) had me being in the hospital just to regulate my meds. I don’t take that many, just a half dozen or so (not including my Ativan or pain meds or other stuff that I take). If I take everything, you are looking at at least 20 pills. I would list them out to you but I don’t want to bore you.

I hope that I am “awake” when I talk with my therapist on Monday. It has been a LONG while since waking up in the morning and feeling awake, not rested, just awake and wanting to start the day. Lately, I have been awake but groggy and sluggish. I think it is most likely due to waking up at 0230 most mornings and then going back to bed around 5ish. I usually write when I am up. If I am up to it, I will blog but usually I don’t.

My latest favorite song is John Legend’s “All of Me”. He performed the song with Jennifer Nettles and Hunter Hayes at the CMT awards. I wish I still had it so I could show it to my friend in Canada who does not have the channel. But I deleted it after the show thinking someone would post the video on Youtube but they have not yet. I am sure CMT will post it on their website as it was a great performance.

I told my writing partner that this week I will be editing my second book. I won’t put it out in the same format as before. I think I will go with smashwords or Lulu to see if I get better sales. It will take me awhile to save up to pay for their services. I hope it will be worth it. I won’t be using an editor this time around because I think I can edit a few pages of stuff myself. My second book is just a collection of short blogs and a short story dealing with darkness.

I have not sold any books for the month of June. I am sad by this. I am going to try and put out an ad or something in the local newspaper. I have to do something to drum up sales. Using Twitter has not helped me as much as I thought it would. I am still hoping to find the right audience. I think once I do, the book will sell like hotcakes.

Self-Esteem Around Bodily Functions

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression, suicidality

I slept most of the day today. Which was kind of good as I no longer have the back pain I was experiencing. Today was the first time since Friday that I have no back pain. Maybe it was just a flare up with the temp and I am on the mend now. I am so relieved. But that still doesn’t explain the extra leak I had yesterday. I was hoping it was sweat but it didn’t smell like it. I hate when I pee my pants. But it’s a part of my life now. I really hate it but there is nothing I can do about it. I could wear diapers but that can be costly. I don’t leak that much, so I am grateful for that. But it still doesn’t help my self-esteem.

I had therapy today but I have no recollection of it. I really wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying. She was going off about how I should get one of my nieces or my nephew to help me move stuff so I can get my AC in my window. I had to call time out because I really had to go to the bathroom to do #2. She knows that when I have to go, I have to go. I felt really bad as we were in the middle of session but, I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I didn’t want to crap myself. I apologized and she said it was okay but I still felt bad. I really felt horrible at having to put a pause to our conversation, even if it was crappy, just so I can relieve my bowels. I mean, I felt better physically wise, with the relief, but I felt terrible psychological wise. And I don’t know why that is. When you have to go, you have to go. But with me it’s a little different. Most people can hold their bowels. I don’t know how because it has been so long for me. I just know that if I didn’t stop our conversation when I did, there would have been an accident in my bedroom floor. And I think that would have made me feel worse than stopping our conversation.

While I was doing my business, she read one of the blogs I sent her. I told her it was how I felt. If I were to die tomorrow, I would be happy. Weird that the last dream I had, had to do with being suicidal. I was getting my pills to do me in and for some reason they wouldn’t fill it and it made me panicky. I was like oh shit. It was a really strange dream because in it, I was hospitalized for being suicidal! I guess being in the hospital has been on my brain a little more than it should be. I would like to be in, just to get a little routine going and someone to make sure I take my meds at the right time and stuff. But it also means suicide is on my mind a little more than I thought it would be. Funny how your dreams always tell you how things are when you are not thinking of it.

My pain is still there in my ankle. That is one pain that never goes away. Even while I was going through back pain, I still had my ankle pain. I told my therapist today that I am tired of being in pain all the time. I don’t think that went through her head. I don’t think she is getting me. And that is pissing me off. I just feel like I am crying wolf again. I say that I am suicidal, and everyone hears me. Then when I am really suicidal and in pain, no one hears me. It’s like they get so used to me telling them I am suicidal they don’t want to hear it anymore. It’s like “okay, you are suicidal”, just like when I say “I am depressed”. I am not expecting people to jump. I just wish they would listen to me a little more is all.

It’s after 0230. I woke up several hours ago and can’t go back to sleep. I just took my meds and my pain pills so hopefully, I will fall back to sleep soon.

I really feel down. And I don’t know what to do about it. Therapy isn’t helping. Meds aren’t helping. Why should I go on? There is no purpose in my life. I thought my book would be a good seller and I would be able to live off it a little bit better than I am now, but that was not the case. I still have not sold one book in the month of June. And all I keep thinking about is the taxes that I owe. I still have not received my payment from Kindle. I am hoping that will be sometime this month.

I guess my aunt that desperately wanted to talk to me, doesn’t. I have messaged her a few times and gotten no response. I know she is on Facebook. Just pisses me off. She has my number so why doesn’t she call me if it was that important? Just the way my family is. Hurry up and wait. One of my other aunts thinks that I am going to write a book about her family. She is nuts if she thinks I am going to work with her. Oh and the other big thing is that she doesn’t expect any money, just a little. PPPFFFTTTT. Not going to happen. There is too much one sided thinking with her and the truth will not come out about how the family really is. She will write it like we are all good citizens and such when really they are nothing but greedy assholes. I can go into more detail but I won’t as I don’t know who reads my blog. But that is the gist of it. And I refuse to contribute to the lies.

I think the “high” or upbeat feeling that I was feeling with the Cymbalta is coming to an end. I am starting to feel really down. But the good news is that I am not seeing my therapist today. My first Tuesday off from her. I wish we could meet in the evenings where I am a little bit more coherent but whatever. It sucks meeting in the morning. My thoughts are really together sometimes and I don’t remember half of what we talk about. Sometimes I am in good space and I remember, but most times I don’t. Therapy is so hard.

I need to buy tank tops for the summer. I only have two kinds and though I am fond of one, I can’t go outside with the other. My fricken boobs hang out too much. So I just wear them around the house. If I do have to go out, I will wear a t-shirt. I don’t have a sports bra. I haven’t worn a bra in years. I don’t even know my size anymore. And it doesn’t matter because I won’t buy them. I just don’t care to.

Chronicles continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Chronicles continue

Although I had a good sleep, I still woke up with the same back pain. I really couldn’t do much today so I got my foam wedge and back supporter out. I put my feet up while lying on my back with the back supporter supporting my back. It was a homemade hospital bed. I was comfy and so took my pain meds with some Ativan and went back to sleep.

Now I have been up the last few hours and still a in pain. I don’t understand how this can be. Usually my pain is knocked out and I am fine because I am resting. Guess I really did something but I don’t know what. I haven’t lifted anything heavy or made some sudden move. I just know that I am hurting and I am getting worried the longer it lasts.

I would be listening to the game right now but I just heard through twitter that it’s 4-1 Tigers. Pedey hit a HR. Now if they can just have him in the lineup another four more times with Scherzer pitching to make it 5-4 I will be happy. But my luck, the next time Pedey is at bat, he will strike out. My Sox are sucking so bad right now. I know it was to be expected, but I really didn’t think it would be WORSE than the 2012 team. Well, they are not that bad, YET. And the problems are everywhere from the batters to the starting pitchers. I won’t talk about the fielding errors because there are young players in those positions so of course there are going to be errors. But the bats have been silent for the most part and the magic they had last year seems to have dissipated.

I really didn’t do anything today except sleep for most of the day. It’s kind of hard to do stuff when you are in pain. I didn’t read anything, yet today but I think I will later this evening. I finally am getting into “Far from the tree” by Andrew Solomon. It is a very interesting book. The next chapter is called “downs”, which I am guess has to do with Downs syndrome. I can’t wait to read it. I think people with Downs Syndrome are the most beautiful people in the world. They are just so cute. I know they have difficult lives and the syndrome varies but the characteristics of these people are to me fascinating. I had a coworker whose niece has downs. She is very beautiful, smart, and funny. I have never met her, but I get this from my friend. So I am really looking forward to reading this chapter.

You would think that because my back is hurting me, my leg pain that I have chronically, would settle down some. NOPE. It has not eased up at all. I am so sick of being in pain all the time. I can’t imagine living my life like this anymore. I have to call on Monday to get it refilled. I hope they don’t give me a hard time. I didn’t think I would run out because I really haven’t had too many flare ups over the last few months. SURPRISE! I had three flare ups, not including this back pain episode. And besides, my appointment was longer than the 28 days so I had no choice but to ask for a refill. I would have run out anyways. And all of this pain most likely has to do with the temperature going up and down twenty degrees. I HATE this time of year as mother nature is trying to decide what temperature she is going to be. It KILLS me, or more accurately, it PAINS me. I just can’t stand being in this much pain.

Pain hour and human suffering and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide

Well, my pain hour has been activated. Every night, at the same time, my pain level increases no matter how much time I am resting my foot or what I am doing. If I am about to go to sleep, I will get zaps.

Tonight is no different. I am so tired of dealing with pain every single night. I was fine all day without too much pain. And that is what kills me. Because I don’t see my doctor after 8 pm, he never will know how much pain I am truly in. This pain is very deceiving. I just wish I knew what activates it so I can put a stop to it. I have tried taking my pain meds before the dreadful hour but that doesn’t seem to work. I have tried icing my foot before the hour and that just makes things worse. I just am in pain no matter what I do, whether I do nothing during the day or if I do have an active day. It is maddening. I did not leave the house today for any reason. Yet my pain level is the same as it would be if I did leave the house. I did go up and down the stairs a few more times than I normally do. But I have stayed in my house/room before and that still didn’t stop the pain from occurring. I just am flabbergasted.

I am not suicidal, though I should be. I really want to just die without having to do anything about it. I am tired of planning my death without acting on it. I am tired of trying to act on my thoughts when my stinking therapist foils my plans or my psychiatrist hospitalizes me because of my thoughts. I need a good pain reliever that will stop the pain before it hits not after. Because after you take your pain reliever, you have to wait a certain time for the next dose and that sucks while you are suffering.

I don’t get why people can euthanize an animal to end their suffering but it is wrong to do the same to a human being. To euthanize an animal is considered “humane” while human suffering is what exactly? Why is an animal have more rights than a human? And why is it that it is the person’s choice to end their suffering and it being denied to them because of state laws. That is why I don’t tell my therapist or psychiatrist I am suicidal most of the time. Because I know it will lead to a “suicide status” and I will be prevented from carrying out MY wishes. Yet 30,000 people commit suicide every year. I want to be one of those people. And I don’t have a problem with it. Yes my family will miss me and people will be hurt. But why should I continue to suffer from this non-malignant chronic pain that sucks the life out of me?