Tag: suicide ideation

Rest day, NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders

Rest day, NOT

I have been feeling really down and blah the past two days. I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep. Yesterday, I forced myself to go out and immediately wanted to come back home afterwards. Today, I still was in pain, as I woke up at 0630 with my ankle hurting. There was nothing I could do about it so I took an Ativan and tried to go back to sleep. I am exhausted dealing with pain every day. Today I just wanted to stay in the house and sleep. Did that happen? Nope. My father called me and said that he had to figure out what meds needed to be refilled and picked up at the pharmacy. I told him I wasn’t walking to the pharmacy as I couldn’t go that far. He was feeling lousy and looked terrible. He must have caught a virus and it is affecting him. I made him eat something before I left, after sorting out his medication.

This totally wiped me out and my leg was not too happy with me. I am hurting really bad so will need to break out the stronger pain medication because I just can’t take it anymore. Even going up the stairs, I am just dragging my ass up each step. It’s like my house is filled with mud or something. I just can’t find energy to move. It’s a quarter to six as I am writing this and I could just go right to sleep. Last night, I went to sleep around 1830 only to wake up around midnight. It was good that I did wake up because I didn’t take my night meds. I still have to take a shower and I don’t want to. But I smell and my shirt is dirty as I spilled some stuff on it. I can’t sleep in this shirt.

I think I am tired from all the crying I did yesterday. Damn country music! So even though I know my leg is going to really hate me, I am going to take a shower. Then I will take two strong pain pills and go to sleep.

Finagling the Bagel

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders

Finagling the bagel

I spent today going over how much it was going to cost me of my OTC meds, specifically my allergy meds and laxative. I couldn’t find them cheap at the two pharmacies that I go to. But Amazon saved me. For the laxative, it was buy two bottles for one. I was so happy and in order to get free shipping, I got 4 boxes of cereal. I eat a lot of cereal because it helps to keep my weight down.

I still have to get my prescription medication. That is going to be no finagling. I have about 5 or 6 meds I need. I have decided that I just won’t eat out this month. When I get my check, I usually order one meal out. But this time, I just can’t. I still don’t know how I am going to get my powerade for the month and a haircut. It’s stressing me out that I don’t have money for these items, but I might call to get my car junked tomorrow. I just hope I have the stamina to do it. I was going to do it today but I was just too tired. I had a really long day yesterday and today I felt like a truck hit me. I was just so very tired. I know part of it is that I took my pain meds because my leg was hurting me when I woke up. I just now took the last of them. The pharmacy lied and I won’t be able to fill my new script until Friday. So I have another two days of rationing, though not really. I have nothing to ration, except my stronger pain medication. I will only take that as a last resort and if my pain is near a twenty.

I had therapy today. I tried to see my therapist tomorrow, which would have made 4x this week but my she is out of the office. We talked more about my father being a SOB than anything else. I was getting annoyed so I asked to change the subject. She then brought up that I am still “loyal” to him. WTF. Not going there, not today. I had no energy to argue about it. I just reminded her that her daughter’s birthday is tomorrow. That cut the talk about my father real quick. We talked about her daughter for a little while and then moved on to something else.

If I was drained before therapy, I was more so afterwards. I was debating getting coffee at my Starbucks. I thought maybe a coffee is what I needed to give me a push. But my plans were spoiled when my cousin gave me a ride. After talking to him for the 15-20 mins, I just wanted to go home and sleep. I just got a sandwich and a water. My stomach was feeling icky so I didn’t want to make it more so with coffee. Today sucks. I am exhausted and can’t really deal with anything. I also think I am dehydrated so I got a Gatorade on my way home. I bought a candy bar thinking chocolate might help my mood but I didn’t even open it. I just left it on the kitchen counter and went to my room. I played my games, now I am writing my blog, and soon will be taking a nap. It’s that time of day when I need one. I don’t care if it energizes me for the night. I have meds to knock me out.

The thing that I didn’t talk to about with my therapist was that my suicidality is slowly increasing. I am feeling fed up because I am in pain all the time. I have been in pain nearly everyday for the past week. It’s stressing me out. And I can’t do anything about it. My PCP was saying that the depression makes the pain worse and the pain makes the depression worse. I was like no shit Sherlock. But what are you going to do to STOP the pain from happening?? He didn’t have an answer. But being in pain is literally driving me crazy. I just want one day of no pain, just so mentally I can rest. But I think the only way I can rest is if I take Ativan because there is not a chance I won’t be in pain anytime soon. And that is killing me, slowly but surely.

nuances of Chronic Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Today has already been a long day. I again had weird dreams and then woke up before my alarm by at least a half hour. I didn’t do anything to wake up. I just went to the bathroom and then went back to sleep until the alarm went off. I should have grabbed a pop tart as I was hungry by the time I got dressed and stuff. I had my coffee and wrote until it was time to see my doc.

I am happy that I my PCP listened to me and gave me enough pills to cover me for the month. However, I am unable to fill it. I have to wait two days for my next refill. I had a feeling it was going to be too early and I was right. Fuck! I have two pills to last me 2.5 days? And then the pharmacist tells me they are changing the classification of the medication. I don’t know what that means. She said I would have to go to the doctor to get the prescription. Well, I do that anyways so I don’t see the big deal. They already ask me for my ID. Now if they need a diagnosis, they are getting cauda equina syndrome.

After my appointment, I felt a little energetic so I walked the long block to the other bus stop. I did it in less than 10 mins, which is good for me. It was 0.4 miles. I am guessing that is my limit without pain. If I walk more than that, then I am hurting, which is good to know. I didn’t have to walk back so that was good. I figure, if I can slowly increase my walk route, from where I walked before (1.2 miles roundtrip) I should be able to slowly lose weight and feel better about walking. But then there are days where just going around the block can cause me pain so I guess today is a good day. It started out rough because I was walking in mud. I didn’t think I would be able to walk to the bus stop when I left my house this morning. But after my doctor’s appointment, I had some energy and felt like I could do it. I know there are time I might not be always able to, but today I count that as an accomplishment. Now, to just hope that I am not hurting big time tonight and the next few days. My ankle is throbbing but it’s mild. I am not swearing, least not yet.

So I am disappointed that I can’t get the new script filled and that next month might be more of a hassle getting it filled. I knew these changes were going to happen. It’s all because a senator’s son overdose on narcotic medication. His belief is that the meds “caused him to commit suicide, not the pain”. What a crock. He is clueless so people with chronic pain now have to suffer because of this idiot, who is not even a medical professional!! I really “love” when these non-medical people make decisions for us. It makes treating chronic pain that much more difficult and no one many commit suicide because they cannot be helped by their doctors.

I did have a problem with making a month appointment with my doctor for next month. I just hope it isn’t too soon or too late. That is the problem that I have been having lately, getting an appointment with my doctor for my pain meds. It shouldn’t be this hard. So I have to wait for the secretary to call me.

I am glad I can walk the distance I did today. I hope that tomorrow I can walk again without pain. But we’ll see what happens tonight.

increased pain levels, YAY…NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain

I had a long day today. I didn’t sleep good. I hope that I sleep good tonight because I have a big day tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. It’s another day with my father and I know it is going to stress me out like it normally does. And the docs wonder why I have high blood pressure! Speaking of those idiots, they haven’t gotten back to me about whether I should be on three medications for it or not. I haven’t gotten the 3rd filled because my pharmacy doesn’t list it as ready. I rather not take it.

I had a stressful therapy session. It was complete with Jekyll coming in and out. I think he is a little guy as he was scared to come out, though he was really angry. Or maybe he is just a part of me that is angry and I won’t let it out. Either way, my anger never was expressed. A lot of memories got stirred. I wrote about it in a password protected blog. It is for my therapist only. I hate having to keep writing stuff in blog format and having her read it that way. If she had email, it would be so much simpler. But no. She refuses so I have to blog things to have her read it. Only other alternative is the old paper and pen letter via snail mail. I have done this and continue to do it. Though, I don’t know who benefits from it, me or her.

My mood was all over the place today. I still am exhausted from not sleeping good. I will be going to bed shortly when I finish this blog and I hope that I do sleep. I have been playing my game on and off since 6 am. I am going to have something to eat and then I am going to bed. I don’t know why I get hungry when I take my night meds. If I don’t eat, I am thinking or dreaming about food. I think I will have a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch cereal. I haven’t had that in a while.

I had my coffee today. I took a shower. I even brushed my teeth. Not in that order, but it happened. I hope that I can wake up early tomorrow and eat something good as I know last time I didn’t eat for my father’s appointment, I got cranky and wicked irritable. Then I felt dizzy when I got home. Not good! If I have time tomorrow, I will try and get to Walgreens and buy some pop tarts to take with me should hunger strikes. I will need it. I also have to remember to take my BP meds because I forgot to take them today. I hate taking morning meds for that reason. It was easier in the hospital because they nag you until you take them but when you are home, you don’t have that nag. I should take it when I remember to, but this morning my ankle was hurting me and I really didn’t feel like getting out of bed.

For three days now, I have been experiencing the same pain in my ankle. I think I might have done something to it, but what I am not sure. It is annoying because I can’t bear weight on it. Taking a shower tonight really aggravated it. Last night I had to take extra duty pain meds to quiet it down. But now the pain has shot up again. It is driving me insane. I don’t see my doc until next week. I am going to have him change the order to taking two pills twice a day. That should give me enough coverage that I need, because one pill isn’t doing squat!