Tag: suicide ideation

i don’t feel anguish

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Been thinking about how I am not feeling suicidal every day anymore. It is weird. I don’t know exactly what I feel. I feel sort of numb but also feel contentment. And the strange part is that I haven’t take a drug to make me feel this way. I just feel differently about my life. I am not saying I have a future because I don’t. Trying to see a future is still dark and gray. But today and tomorrow don’t look as bad as they once did. Maybe the stress of not working is a good thing. But I am still isolated in what I am doing. I still wish I was dead but it’s not as strong as it was.

I don’t know when the change occurred. And that’s what bothers me because I can go back to my depressed suicidal self at any time. I think I’ve given up on killing myself because I can’t go through with it. IF I could do it tomorrow, I would but I can’t. Is it possible to be suicidal without feeling it. I’m just numb all the time. I don’t know if that is good or bad.

To go from feeling suicidal all the time to nothing is a very scary place for me. Sure if given the chance, I might kill myself. But I don’t want to. Yet I don’t want to live either. I just go on being. I wouldn’t call this living. Being trapped in my room is not living. I barely go out anymore, not even for a mocha or latte. I have lost interest in things. I don’t watch TV anymore yet I record my shows. My DVR is most likely full right now and I don’t care. I still have to transfer the world Series to my computer and have not done so yet. I could careless right now about it.

I am in a constant depressed state yet I don’t show it. I would love to run a knife through my chest to try and kill myself but my family needs me too much. I don’t want them cleaning up the mess. I don’t feel distressed. I don’t feel anguish. I just want to die. I want to stop breathing air. But then I will hear my favorite song on my playlist and it will get me out of the funk that I am in and make me sing and smile. Everyday is a struggle. Sometimes I don’t listen to music. But today I need to to break the monotony in my brain. I have noticed that my typing and thoughts are slow today. It is painful writing this experience down. Every word is like pulling a tooth out. But I think it is important to write about this experience because I may not feel like this again. The darkness doesn’t rule my heart but neither does the light. I am just trying to keep my heart on the tracks. I sometimes get derailed and it hurts.

a little of this and that and transgender too

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, suicidality, transgender

Had a horrible day. Spent the entire late morning/afternoon at the hospital with my dad. They still have no idea what is wrong with him and it is starting to piss me off. I feel like my father is living my life in the “I don’t know what is wrong with you” circle. He had some scans done and we will be back next week to find out the results of those scans. Just lovely. Another day of boredom. I will be bringing my laptop and my manuscript so I will have something to work on while waiting for the doc.

I got to talk to my cousin today. Found out my aunt’s wake is tomorrow and the funeral is Saturday. Not looking forward to it but you have to show up and pay respect and say goodbye. It’s going to be a sad day for me.

I am pretty exhausted from today and in pain. I was in pain most of the day yesterday so all I did was sleep most of the day and then be up most of the night. I rather sleep during the day and be up all night. I miss working second shift. It was the perfect balance of not being a day person and being a night person.

I talked with my therapist for the last time this week and she is on vacation next week because it’s school vacation. We talked about my book and how it is affecting me and then she wanted to know more about the voices and I flipped out a little. I couldn’t tell her but did tell her that the voice I hear is actually her, well, not really her but her persona or something. I can’t explain it. It is just something that happens to me. I hear a voice and it will get stuck in my head and start talking to me is the best way to put it. That is why sometimes songs get their go around in my head and I can’t stop it unless I take medication. I had this one voice last summer that just wanted to talk to me at night, just before sleeping. And boy, was she demanding. I would nod off and she would get all offended. And the more sleepy I was, the more she would ask questions! So annoying! I am glad she is gone and hope she doesn’t come back!

I have to get dressed up tomorrow. I hate getting dressed up. I don’t have clothes that fit me anymore except for one pair of pants. And it is going to be cold so I have to wear a long sleeved shirt, which because I gained weight, I have only one that fits. If I didn’t have breasts, I would be fine. Things would fit nicely. Pisses me off that I have them. But then I will never be a “guy”. Just in my head I will be one. To the rest of the world I am a FEMALE, like it says on my medicare card I got the other day. How degrading. I could have killed myself over it. But I guess I am getting better at living this double life, even if it is painful. I recently heard that Facebook has changed gender roles. I wonder what that is about. I haven’t looked at it because in my mind you are either a female or a male. I am a male, but in a female’s body. So, yea, I kind of get the confusion. UGH. This sucks. If only we were to choose what we wanted to be at the age of five none of this identity confusion would exist. Just because you are born one way doesn’t mean you are truly that way. Now I feel suicidal because I hate myself so much. I can’t stand myself. I am despicable.

Is suicide ever justifiable?

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CES, chronic physical pain, depression

Is suicide ever justifiable?

I read an article about this today and it has me thinking. Would my suicide be justifiable? I am living in chronic physical pain every day that is sometimes helped by opioid medication but yet is not at times. I suffer from depression but no anti-depressant seems to help me. I am on a mood stabilizer that helps with the ups and downs but doesn’t help with the lows that I get. So would my death be justifiable because I have exhausted every available method of treatment for both conditions? I think I have. I think it is time that suicide should be given more thought. It isn’t wrong. It isn’t selfish. Sure there would be people that would miss me but if they know that I have tried everything and it all failed, I think they would rather have me dead than suffer. I cannot not go on suffering like this anymore. Everyday it is a battle. Which pain will cause me more suffering, mental or physical and lately physical has been winning. I am losing the battle and there is no one I can talk to about this. Even if there was someone to talk to about this, they wouldn’t understand. They would want me to try harder but I am tired. I am so very tired of fighting this losing battle I cannot win. So I have been making up my own rules. I have been dosing myself without regard to time tables. If I hurt I take something no matter the hour. But my mental pain is a whole another story.

This pain creeps on your and stays with you like a parasite. It grows on your fears and your doubts and your sorrow like no tomorrow. And nothing eases this hurt. I am frustrated by the psychiatric community that has not found a cure for this kind of ache. This all encompassing ache that is deep down in the soul and blacks out all the good in the world and in your heart. I was free from it at one point but it has recaptured me. Whether it is because the physical pain has gotten to be too much I do not know. I just know it hurts to breathe. It hurts to think. It hurts to be. And I don’t want to be anymore.

They say that if you are suicidal you are not in your right mind. That if you give yourself time, you will not think about it in a week or two. I have thought of killing myself for too long. I want this suffering to end. I am a lowly human being that deserves to die. I have done many things wrongs in my life. But I still feel that I am in my rational mind. In ancient times, if the citizen asked the government three times to die the wish was granted on the third attempt. Why can we have the same kind of rules now? I have asked my treaters if I should die and yet they want me to continue to live in this painful existence. If I was suffering from cancer, would that change their mind? No one is guaranteed a tomorrow. I am just asking that I be put to death to end my suffering because there is no cure for my ailments.

in a dark mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I have been fighting the urge to sleep all day. I took a shower and then went to walgreens to pick up my script. I am really exhausted and my foot is killing me. I am really in a dark place. I hope I can talk to my therapist tomorrow. This weekend has really been shitty. The nerve block wore off and I was in all kinds of pain yesterday. I just am trying to keep things in perspective but it is just so hard. I emailed my psychiatrist and all she had to say was sorry I am in so much pain.

I have been craving dinosaur chicken nuggets and smiley french fries. I hope I can get them today but my sister’s car is blocked in. I really don’t feel like taking public transit to the grocery store. It will be too exhausting. All I did yesterday was sleep. If I wrote a blog, I don’t remember what I wrote. I just wish I could feel the way I did before the nerve block. I rather be a 3 all the time than an 8. This sucks. I want ice cream too. I might raid my sister’s freezer as I saw she had black raspberry. I am in such a sucky mood that all I want is junk food. I should have bought some when I was in Walgreens. I wasn’t thinking. It’s really warm out today. But it’s cold in my room. My feet are cold.

I don’t know if my niece is starting to read my blog or not so I won’t go into the dark thoughts. I really don’t want to be anymore. I just feel like everything is a waste. That I am a waste of space. I hate feeling like this. I heard another actor died by heroin overdose. I didn’t know him or even heard of him. But I hear there is a kind that is killing people.

I just want to die. my soul is just blackness. I have fallen into the abyss again.