Tag: suicide

everything is a bother

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Should have stayed home

I should have stayed home today than embrace this hot weather just to get an iced coffee at Starbucks. I didn’t think it would be too bad out but I was wrong. Least it wasn’t humid out. I can take the dry heat but not the humidity.

I got my coffee and then contemplated how I was going to get home as there is no bus from the square to my house. I had to finagle things.

I became psychotic again last night. I don’t know why I am having break through psychotic symptoms. I am not stressed to the max or anything. It is weird. I also have been having weird dreams. I fell asleep earlier than usual last night and woke up around 0230. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 0430. I don’t know if I blogged another blog or not. I didn’t. I guess this heat is making me crazy even with the a/c cranked. I hope I don’t have another episode before I see my pdoc on Friday. Maybe she can make sense of it. I sure can’t.

I am glad I am home and in my room. I need to take a shower but that can wait for now. I have to do it before tonight as I need to change patches. I hate taking a shower in the heat. Even though we have a cooling fan it doesn’t do much but blow around the hot air.

My therapist never texted me back on what I was to write on. Bugger. I will yell at her tomorrow when I talk with her. I still have had fleeting thoughts of dying. Today while waiting for the bus stop I am not familiar with, I was hoping someone would kill me. Just slice my throat open or shoot me. I mean those things happen all the time, why can’t it happen to me. It would save me the trouble of trying to kill myself. I once thought of hiring someone to kill me but I don’t think I could ever raise enough funds to do that. I know my life isn’t worth much to begin with but to someone who would end up in jail because they took my life, might mean more than just a few hundred dollars.

I got my annual retirement statement from my work. I don’t know what to do with it now. It’s not like I can touch the money without penalty. And even if I did, I bet the US treasury would want some for my student loans. But I don’t think they can touch it. I hope not anyways or I will have nothing. Course if I kill myself, it doesn’t matter anyways.

I want to read but I don’t know what to read. I have books piled on my bed and around my bed. All I have to do is choose one and I can’t even do that. Decision are so hard when you have a deep depression. I’m so glad I don’t have to work for now because I HATED having to choose my attire for the day. Not like I had to get dressed up. But I hated choosing which color jeans and what socks to wear (black or white, ankle or tube, etc.) My friend just told me to grab the closest one and usually I did that. I would sometimes wear the same jeans all week because I didn’t want to bother with emptying the pockets for another pair. I have to carry my pens, wallet, change (if I felt like it), and money. I never carry my money in my wallet. I don’t think anyone does. It’s just a safety measure I learned while living in Boston.

I feel really down despite having an ok day. I really want to take a nap right now but I am fighting it. I am exhausted from my trip today just to get my coffee but also from not sleeping through the night and waking up at fricken nine. I finally gave up around ten and got out of bed to have breakfast. Then went out of this stupid coffee. Starbucks is coming out with a home iced brewing system. I am thinking about getting it so that on days like today I don’t have to leave the house. Course I don’t know if I can have some counter space in the kitchen. My mother has this coffee pot, Gevalia, that she never uses but yet it has to be on the counter. If I get this brewing system, it could go there. It would be so nice to make iced coffee at home. I have a French press that I use for hot coffee but it’s a pain to clean because it doesn’t have a filter. When you clean it, you get the grounds all over the place except the bucket. Least that is my luck.

Maybe I should go back on antidepressant. Trouble is that I have been on all of them and each one has upset my stomach. After a few months, I get nauseous in the morning and sometimes I vomit if it gets too bad. I thought at first it was something wrong with my stomach but tests have not shown anything wrong. Once I stopped the antidepressant, the nausea stopped too. And I was taking the lowest dose possible. It sucks. I am glad the mood stabilizer doesn’t give me any side effects other than drowsiness. It also helps my appetite in check. I don’t know how but I lost another few pounds. Course I have not been eating that much lately. I mostly just have been eating cereal and sometimes eggs, if I am up to making them. I used to eat eggs all the time until the depression hit me bad. Now it’s too much of a bother. Everything is too much of a bother.

I think I’ll go back to reading Team of Rivals…

Most Miserable Man Living

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I knew it was going to happen and it did. I crashed into the bottomless pit of depression the other day and can’t seem to pull myself out. I go through my daily routine of getting coffee but it’s so hard to do when all I want to do is stay in my A/C’d room. It is wicked hot in the house and even worse outside.

A friend of mine just came back from Brazil and wants to make plans with me but I don’t feel much for socializing. It takes such an effort to get out of bed and do the hygiene of showering and brushing my teeth. I get exhausted so easily when I feel this way. Everything is an effort. Even my writing is an effort.

The quote that I wrote yesterday in my blog about being the most miserable man living is accurate. I do feel that it is impossible for things to get better. I feel I must die as that is the only way out of this misery. But I don’t see how I can do that. I want things to end but have no real clue as to get them done. Well, I mean, I know the hows to die. Drugs, rope, razor, etc. But the thing that is stopping me is that I don’t have a place to do it. I need a secluded place, like a hotel room or some where isolated. I had a spot during my childhood I could go but now they have turned it into a park. I am so mad that my one secluded place on the planet is now a friggen park. They don’t have much there, just a place to sit down and enjoy the water. No fancy playground or anything of the sort. Just benches and grass. It used to be tall weeds and nothing. The perfect place to do the unthinkable, least to me it was.

I have thought of other places to do the deed but without a car to get there, they may as well be a million miles from where I live. So I am stuck here. What got Lincoln through his depression in 1841 was knowing he had a purpose in his life to achieve. I don’t know if he thought of the presidency then. But he definitely wanted to be in his legislation of his times. That is one reason why I love him. He was able to get through the thickest of depressions and though he remained melancholic throughout his lifetime he still pushed on. I know that I will get through this depression. I usually do. But sitting with it is so damn tough. I get impulsive. I get the urge to do something harmful to myself. But I fight it off the best I can with distraction and what little coping skills I have learned through the years. Music to me has been the greatest. I know you are probably supposed to listen to “happy” music but I find listening to the lyrics of sad music helps me get through. It takes my mind off my problems and think of things or helps me to write better because I can focus on something other than my misery.

Just got a tweet from the current prez of the AAS. I haven’t seen him post his unsuicide campaign in a while and wanted to say hi. While it is a worthwhile campaign, I don’t think you can truly stop every suicide. Sure the Lifeline hotline (800-273-TALK (8255)) does help people. But it doesn’t capture every single one that truly needs help. Siri has now added this lifeline to their questions about death and suicide. I know a lot of people have iPhones more than any other but why can’t google/Android have the same. I just spoke “ways to die” on my phone and got directed towards a veteran’s hotline. The rest were truly ways to die rather than seeking help. I think this is useful but not when someone is in a crisis. I know because I have been there and the last thing on my mind was to call for help.

Dysphoria of sorts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide

All I want to be is DONE.

I didn’t know what to write about today. It’s taken me a long while to come up with something to write. I tried writing in my journal while I was at Starbucks but I just left a blank page. I have been feeling paranoid lately. I feel like everyone is watching me. There were a lot more people in the store today than there usually is so I guess it kind of prevented me writing. I was also really hot and wanted to just sit in the air conditioned room. I also wanted to enjoy my new iced coffee, Kati Kati. I got an email from Starbucks last night about it and so tried it today. It is a little stronger than my Isla Flores but it is ok. I loved it! It was the one joy on this dismal day.

I had therapy this afternoon. I really didn’t want to talk but then I got really suicidal. I had fantasies where I would hang myself off the back porch while my family would be at my cousin’s house for the 4th of July BBQ. We worked out a safety plan that didn’t include me downing a bottle of one of my medication. I am to write and go through my crisis response plan (to what that entails, check out this blog). If these things don’t work, I am to try and get in touch with my therapist, psychiatrist, or go to the hospital. I truly have crashed. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I have no motivation. I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

I knew this crash was coming. I just didn’t think it would come this fast. I think it just came at the beginning of this grief that I am feeling. I also am feeling trapped by living. I don’t want to live. I just want to die. Life to me is just worthless. Nothing gives me pleasure except that one coffee I have from Starbucks a day. And watching baseball games. Least I can get lost for a little while watching the games because each pitch keeps me entertained. I love when the batter keeps fouling pitches and the at-bat count gets about five. My sox are good at working the pitch count in their favor.

I texted my therapist about what to write. She told me to write about something but I forgot what that is. I think it was on feeling trapped but that has many definitions. I feel trapped because I am now forced to live this thing called life and I don’t want to. I feel trapped because I am in the wrong body. And that truly is what is depressing me. I know my hormones are still going whacky. I just think that this whole business of transitioning to another gender is too hard. I can’t even talk about it anymore. I am starting to feel like a freak. Sure I can dress in male clothes all I want but that doesn’t help my huge chest. I wish they were just man boobs (which I guess technically they are) but it distresses me. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror because I am ugly. I know that I have some form of body dysmorphic dysphoria. But if I already am dysphoric in general, does that mean that I have all the other dysphorias? I have gender identity disorder, how can I not. I want to kill myself because I am in the wrong body. I want to be a boy. And sadly, I don’t think that is ever going to happen because of my damn menstrual cycle. In order for me to get rid of my menses, I had to pretty much tell the doc that I get more than just the typical depression with my periods. I get down right suicidal. So pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder was tacked on to my list of diagnoses. Another female diagnosis. It is a good thing that I don’t have access to guns. I think I would have blown my brains out by now.

Guilt trip

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Since putting the suicidal plan off the table, I’ve been feeling like I’ve let myself down, almost to the point of feeling ashamed of myself for doing so. I don’t know why I feel this way. But it sucks. I can always put it back on the table and the past few hours I have been thinking about it. What would it belike to hang myself somewhere? I would kill myself in my car but I don’t want to be found my family members. I wish the car was useful and could take me to a rest spot some place away so I could die. Yes I might have placed the ultimate date of killing myself off the table but the thoughts of killing myself are still rampant.

I’m supposed to go out with friends tonight but I really don’t feel like it. We will be going to Olive Garden, a place I like but I just don’t have the energy to put a smile on my face and pretend all is right with the world. I ended up going and it was worse than I imagined. I feel like I have been scarred for life. While going to the women’s bathroom I was suddenly aware of my misplacement. I felt like a girl as I was in there with girl underwear. It was the most awful feeling in the world. I hate myself more than I ever have right now. SO much for this being a good evening.

It was raining earlier while I was writing this and I talked about wanting to go to the Chinese restaurant across the street from Starbucks. They usually have a lunch buffet but they didn’t today for some reason. Maybe I was too early. I had McDonald’s instead.

I should have brought my laptop today so I would have typed this up while thinking about rather than dictating it as I am now. But then I probably would just go on Facebook and play my games and be distracted too much to write anything. I am not hooked on Candy Crush.

Getting back to guilt it’s depressing me. I feel lost, like I should have known better than to give up MY hopes of ending my suffering. I don’t know why I put a stop to my plans. Guilt always seems to work. It works to stop me and it works to make me feel bad that I don’t give in to my impulses. I don’t know what stopped me this time. My therapist didn’t have much to do with it as I usually defy her anyways. I guess I felt that my friend JD non response to my message to him and me feeling non-suicidal all of two weeks caused the shift. Now I am feeling depressed and don’t feel like I have a way out. I’m trapped again in the land of the living. I so wish I could wish my life away. Give my life to a patient dying of cancer and have them go on while I die or something. I don’t feel despairing. Just feel anguish that I can’t quelch.

I feel so lost, like something is missing. It has been months that I have been planning on taking my life and now that it’s no longer in the works, I feel lost, dejected, defeated. I didn’t go through with the act. So I feel a sense of longing. Like if I have to go through with it and I do die, I will accept my fate. But if I don’t die, then I will also accept my fate and not try again. I just wish I did go through with it. It’s a longing like I have never experienced before. It’s like I am not good enough to die or something. I know that sounds silly. How can I be too good to die? Maybe it should be that I am not bad enough to kill myself. I’ve planned my death numerous times over the years. I have never gone through with any of them. I feel like I am stuck in limbo. Do I live or do I die.

I guess I will never know. I just continue to live in this misery called life. And I don’t like it.