Tag: suicide

Sunday Blog 8

I had a bad night of sleeping. My leg was hurting pretty bad because I wore dress socks to the wedding. Even after I took them off, it felt like it was still on because of the nerve pain. I then became anxious because that type of feeling always triggers me. I didn’t go to sleep till well after midnight. I woke up a few hours later to pee and then I was up for a little bit. I just got up now to use the bathroom and then kind of decide what to have for my breakfast/lunch. I really wanted to have a fried egg but didn’t feel like making it. So I opted for toast and making some hash brown tater tots. That was all I felt like eating, for right now.

I am still feeling lousy. My leg is going to take a couple of days to recover. Mentally, I am still anxious. When I woke up and was watching the football game, I had some strong urges to kill myself. I just didn’t want to live anymore. I just don’t see the point. I am so tired of being in pain all the time and worrying whether I will get CES yet again that it’s driving me crazy. I’m afraid to sneeze or cough for fear of taking out my back. I am scared of falling because my balance isn’t so great. But mostly it is because I am tired of being in pain all the time.

My experiment last night with switching up my night meds didn’t work. I took my night meds when I woke up this afternoon and now I am sleepy. I guess all the meds taken together make me hyper but when you separate them, it doesn’t have the same effect. Go figure.

Last night as I was trying to distract myself from the PTSD symptoms, I was trying to figure out why my laptop was so slow in downloads and stuff when it came to videos and GIFs. Even with the Ethernet connection I didn’t have speeds like I thought I would. I cleared the browsing history several times and still could not watch a GIF of the OSU game. I didn’t watch it last night because I was in a lot of pain. I got the tweets and the updates from my college football app. For some reason, ESPN didn’t want to load for me last night. I don’t know why I am having such a problem with internet connection. If it’s simple, like Twitter, it’s easy to load. But even Facebook has its problems, sometimes. I don’t know if it’s my laptop or the net connection. When I bring it to Dell for fixing my screen, I will have them take a look at it. Maybe it is a connectivity issue.

I really hope that my older laptop is useable. I just need a quick internet connection to post my blogs and word to work. I would type my blogs on my phone but sometimes my phone likes to change words to what it thinks. Like I had typed “limp” it changed it to “lump”. Luckily, I caught it.

I missed BPD Chat this evening because I was sleeping. I would still be sleeping if my sister hadn’t started yelling if anyone was home. It took me a few minutes to get oriented and then my bladder had to be relieved. I really didn’t want to go downstairs. I was nice and comfy in my warm bed. Temp has dropped to below 40 degrees now and some parts of town, there is snow. That wasn’t in the forecast. Neither was being below 40 degrees. Weathermen! Can’t trust any of them.