Tag: therapy

just a slow day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just a slow day

I woke up around 0445 and stayed up till 0630. I didn’t wake up till after 1330. I had woken up with a cramp in my foot so needed an Ativan to calm it down. I am feeling kind of groggy and have a headache. I made breakfast/lunch by cooking bacon and making a sandwich with turkey breast and pepper jack cheese on a Portuguese roll. I love these rolls as they are really good. It’s one of my favorite types of bread. I made coffee after I ate the sandwich. I was reading a wonderful story on the Live Through This (www.livethroughthis.org) website by my friend on Twitter. He told of his story of suicide attempt and what lead up to it. It was interesting learning about him in this way because he was studying to be a psychologist and even though these clinician are trained to treat clients, they are very stigmatizing against those that have mental illness in the field. As my friend puts it, if someone with cancer was diagnosed, they talk freely about it but if you have depression, you need to be hush hush about it. It really sucks.

I have felt that stigma in my own world as I tried to get help but my suicidality always seemed to toss me from therapist to therapist, or even be referred without even being seen first. I was really lucky to find the therapist I am seeing now to take me on. He isn’t afraid of me and is the most relaxed therapist I have ever met. He is very good at me bringing up things and talking about it. He is reserved which kind of makes me think he isn’t listening to me but it just takes him a while to respond in the “right” way. Very unlike my previous therapist, who always jumped in with her thoughts, even before I was finished speaking. It annoyed the crap out of me and shut me down.

My friend was afraid of talking about his story. But he is glad that he did. I told him I know the fear as I was so fearful when my memoir was first publish that no one would read it. It has helped people (https://www.amazon.com/Midnight-Demon-Suicidal-Illness-Syndrome/dp/149430886X/ref=la_B00N8AI4I4_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8 ) and even though it’s not on the best seller’s list, I am proud of it. I put a lot of emotional energy into writing it as well as a lot of personal stories. My psych said that it was a powerful read and that I was really out there. It’s a brutally honest account of what I have been through with my mental illness and nerve condition. I didn’t hold anything back.

I wanted to shave my head today. Keeping up with the maintenance has been harder than I thought. I didn’t shave yesterday so I have two days of growth. I might do it later. I need to shower anyways. I am not having much pain, yet.

I emailed my psych about her being a passed the buck but I haven’t heard back from her. I guess we’ll just talk about it when I see her next week. I need a refill on some meds. I need to remember to tell her that at the beginning in case the computer decides to be a jerk.

Weather has cooled off but it’s supposed to be humid the next few days, which I am not looking forward to. I still have had to put the AC on because it was stuffy in my room. My foot has not liked it because it made my foot ice cold, which made me have to put on thermal socks. I am so glad I bought them from LL Bean years ago. They are really warm and save my feet from frost bite for no good reason. My feet get cold because of nerve damage. It sucks but I have been dealing with this for 16 years now.

I really need to write a blog about my therapist. I think it will help me deal with the grief. I keep thinking of her when a certain song is on the radio or just in general. She had been so much a part of my life for so long and I always equate my nerve injury with our relationship. It is really difficult to tease it apart. But that is another story for another time.

Today is my nephew’s birthday so we will be meeting up later to have hot dogs and watch the game. I hope the Sox win as the Twins suck. I did buy the Red Sox gear but I didn’t buy those slippers. I decided not to get them in case the hurt me. I still got free shipping, which was cool. I should have them in the next week or so.

low pain day until I came home

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Low pain day until I came home

I finally went to sleep around 0330 and woke up around 1030. My mother made bacon but I only had a few slices as it was really salty. I had enough time to catch the next bus but I didn’t want to leave the house that early as I knew I would be tired by the time I got to my therapy appointment.

I fiddled on my phone and checked my balance of my checking account to see if my check was deposited. It was so I got on my laptop and paid my bill. I also ordered groceries to be delivered tomorrow. I ordered a lot of stuff as my friend gave me a dessert recipe that I want to try. It’s a lemon cheesecake dessert that looks really easy to make. I am cheating by using a graham crust rather than golden Oreos. I like graham cracker crust anyway with cream cheese. Just tastes better.

By the time I figured out how to pay for one of my new credit cards by phone, it was time to catch the bus. I got dressed and left. There was construction at my stop so I had to walk to the one down the street. I didn’t mind as I had time. I stopped at the liquor store to buy some tonic water and then waited for the bus. When the bus came, I placed my mobile order for Starbucks so it would be ready when I got there.

I brought a book with me in case I got tired of writing in my journal. I had a good hour or so before I had to leave to catch the train so I read. I started a new book by Dr. Peter Grinspoon. It’s about his struggles with addiction. I couldn’t put the book down when I started reading it. It quickly passed the time. I got to the station and my therapist’s office with a few minutes to spare.

Therapy went well. We talked about my pain and how to cope with it better. He wants me to try and just focus on the pain and not the other things that crop up, like my PTSD, suicidality, etc. I said that was easier said than done. He said it wasn’t going to happen overnight but with practice it could be easier to deal with while I wait for the meds to work. He is on vacation next week so I won’t be seeing him until the week after.

I am really tired as my ankle flared up when I came home. I was putting the stuff I bought at Walgreens away and my ankle didn’t want any part of it. I am so sick of this happening. My therapist got that. I was glad that he didn’t go spastic when I was bringing up my suicidality with him. I told him multiple times how much the pain causes me to plan and think about suicide. I also told him how my blog has changed since that idiot jerk called the cops on me last year. It’s no longer my venting space and I think that has caused a bottle neck to occur because I no longer have this as an outlet to my negative emotions like it once was. I have to be more present in what I write and if I do that, I have a hard time writing. I just struggle with getting my words out that aren’t worrisome. I find that I am more apt to writing long journal entries than a blog post. I feel like I am doing a disservice to my readership. I am sorry one bad apple spoiled the bunch but I can’t have the police knocking on my door because pain caused me to feel suicidal and post about it.

I think this issue is going to take multiple sessions to work on. I am thinking about joining the chronic pain group my psychiatrist wants me to go to. I just haven’t called the coordinator to set it up. I just feel so fed up with my suicidality hindering the process to begin with that I really don’t want to go for fear of saying the wrong thing and being kicked out of group. That would be more devastating to me than anything.

I’m in mega pain right now and I don’t know how it got to be almost 2000. I just had dinner, which my ankle didn’t like. I hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom as I am in a lot of pain and doing stairs would not be good. I just want to rest my ankle as much as possible now that I don’t have to do anything the rest of the night. I do need to get up to take my night meds. I will in a little while. I want to digest some of my dinner first.

wicked hot hot

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wicked hot hot

It’s been awful with the humidity the past few days. Today I had to go out in it for my therapy appointment. I brought a facecloth with me so I could dab at the sweat. I had perspiring but there is nothing I can do about it in warm weather.

I woke up before six to use the bathroom and then I went back to sleep for almost 5 hours. It was around 11 I woke up. I was hungry and didn’t know what I wanted to make. I have a package of bacon that I need to use but didn’t have time to cook it. I really didn’t feel like making it. It was too hot. I just made some toast. Before I went downstairs, I checked my internet and I still didn’t have it. There were no messages on my phone either so Verizon didn’t call me.

After I made my toast, I got ready to head to Starbucks. The bus was late, even though it wasn’t too full. Thankfully, it had the AC cranked. I ordered my Starbucks through the app so it would be ready by the time I got there. I wanted to try the mobile order. It was easy once I figured out how to order my drink. It’s not complicated as I just get 4 shots of espresso on ice. I had a reward so I used it for my breakfast sandwich. It was all ready by the time the bus got to the Square. Neat.

After I had breakfast, I wrote in my journal. After an hour, I was bored. I wish I brought a book with me. I was really nervous about my therapy appointment. I wasn’t in pain as I took some meds before leaving the house. I needed to buy water as I knew I would be thirsty in the heat. I bought it at Starbucks and then left for the train station. I was early so I let a few trains pass before I got on. It was only a few stops I had to go.

I was sweating a lot by the time I reached the office. Luckily, they had AC in the waiting room. I cooled off some and thought about what to talk about with my therapist. I almost left a few minutes before he called me in. I was so nervous. I began nervously asking him if he minded me going through with transitioning. He answered with a damn question. I fucking hate that. I was getting annoyed and I guess he could sense it so then I asked if he cared about me or was I just a paycheck to him. I explained that a therapist was using me at one point for my insurance and he said he doesn’t take people on unless he cares about them. I felt good in that answer. Then I started crying for whatever reason. I guess the frustration and relief of his answers were reassuring me that I didn’t have to go find another therapist. That this was going to work.

We talked about my ex-therapist and how it was when I picked up my things. I told him about the things that I had gotten back and the blog I wrote about the paper in high school I wrote. I also told him about the book where a poem or essay was published in high school. He didn’t seem impressed but I wasn’t looking at him so not sure. I kept staring at his bookcase, taking inventory of his books. I also told him about the New York Times article and how upset I was over the comments attacking me and my ex-therapist.

I paused and thought about the transition and how I came out to my oldest niece and cousin. I told him about it and how I am going to move forward with it. He said that the stuff about my ex-therapist I should not fill up with the whys or other noise. It would just be harming me. That is hard to do because I still feel responsible for her ending therapy, even though my psych and him has told me it’s not my fault. I think in time I will have that sink in.

He also wanted to know where I was in the transition. So I said that I need a physical and then I can call the LGBTQA health center to move forward. They need that for the initial appointment. It would be several appointments before I was going to get hormone therapy, least according to the information sheet I read online from the center. I told him the reaction my mother had to someone who went through transition and I felt like dying. He wants to work on my response because there is no changing her. I told him I was fearful of being kicked out and he said he would work with me on finding sources so that doesn’t happen. I know at this point my mother is dependent on my check so I have that leverage. I just don’t know if she will be amenable to living with a man. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

All in all, the appointment went better than I thought. He knows this is a huge transition for me and that I am grieving the loss of a 16 year relationship. He said I am like a tootsie pop, tough on the outside but soft inside. I jokingly asked him how many sessions did it take for him to figure that out. He said it with some affection which eased my guard. I am still learning to trust him, something that I never thought I would have to do, again.

neurontin hangover and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Neurontin hangover and other things

I woke up at an early hour, which I don’t remember now. I was in pain and so I took my pain meds. Within a couple of hours, the pain was still there and I said fuck it, I wasn’t going to do anything today. I took 900 mg of Neurontin and went to sleep. I just woke up now with the hugest hangover. I made a burger and then some much needed coffee.

I still don’t have internet services. I am using my phone’s hotspot to connect and publish my blogs. I am using data like crazy. I still haven’t reached a 1 GB mark on my phone or hotspot data but it’s getting close. I called Verizon last night and they said there is a problem in the central office. They are working on the problem and will call me when it’s straightened out. I have the modem off for now. No need for it to be on as I can’t use it.

Last night I was going to watch STTNG but Roger Clemens was in the Sox booth calling the game. He is one of my all time favorite pitchers. I have three of his rookie cards. They aren’t graded so I don’t know the value of the cards, but if it’s a good grade it would be worth a lot of money. I had a website where I could send my cards to be graded for I think like $20. I was going to send one of the cards but never did. Now I don’t know where I saved the website. I was trying to look for it with my phone but the google on your phone is much different than on your laptop browser. I couldn’t find the site to send it. I downloaded an app but in order to use it, you had to pay a monthly charge. I wasn’t going to do that.

It was awesome hearing Clemens call the game last night. The Sox won 2-1. It was a fast paced game as the pitchers didn’t take too long between pitches. It felt longer because there were minimal hits.

I’m still in a lot of pain. I plan on making another burger for dinner later. I froze the other burgers in the package. I wish I had called my mother this morning to take out my ground beef so that I could make my gravy tomorrow. I’ll probably take it out Monday to make it Tuesday. I would tomorrow but I have therapy Monday evening and I don’t want to be in pain when I go.

I think I am going to start watching at least a couple episodes of STTNG. The game is on at 2000 again. I’d like to do something before that time. If I had internet, I would just read Twitter. One of my therapist friends who is gay was talking about the history of Pride and the gay liberation movement. It’s been a learning experience. In between he talks about what he plans on making for dinner. Last night, he made potato pancakes. I love them. He offered me a chair at his table, which I thought was nice of him. He just so cool. If I had found him earlier, he might have been my therapist. I really hope that I can have the courage to talk to my therapist on Monday about my concerns. It will be really hard for me as I am not used to asking what I need. I just go with the flow and that hurts me, sometimes. Maybe I will write it down and read it off to him. That might help center my thoughts better and I won’t forget what I want to discuss.

I still am reeling that he wasn’t as supportive as I thought he would be when I told him I was moving forward with my transition. That really bugged me and made me cancel last week’s session. I think I will write it up as I am drinking my espresso on Monday. I might do it before hand if I really think about it. Thing is, I don’t want to think about it. I spent 16 years trying to get my therapist to get me and I failed. In the end, she decided she wasn’t “effective” for me, all because of a blog I wrote about one session. That started our demise and things ended a few months later. I really don’t want the same thing happening with this therapist. Mostly because finding a therapist lately has been so fucking difficult. I live where thousands of therapists are and yet most of them are not taking on new clients.

What hurts the most is that she decided to split on our anniversary date. Then a month later, we had our last session. I’m still expecting her to call me. Now I am just in touch with her for billing questions on my outrageous statement.