Just a slow day
I woke up around 0445 and stayed up till 0630. I didn’t wake up till after 1330. I had woken up with a cramp in my foot so needed an Ativan to calm it down. I am feeling kind of groggy and have a headache. I made breakfast/lunch by cooking bacon and making a sandwich with turkey breast and pepper jack cheese on a Portuguese roll. I love these rolls as they are really good. It’s one of my favorite types of bread. I made coffee after I ate the sandwich. I was reading a wonderful story on the Live Through This (www.livethroughthis.org) website by my friend on Twitter. He told of his story of suicide attempt and what lead up to it. It was interesting learning about him in this way because he was studying to be a psychologist and even though these clinician are trained to treat clients, they are very stigmatizing against those that have mental illness in the field. As my friend puts it, if someone with cancer was diagnosed, they talk freely about it but if you have depression, you need to be hush hush about it. It really sucks.
I have felt that stigma in my own world as I tried to get help but my suicidality always seemed to toss me from therapist to therapist, or even be referred without even being seen first. I was really lucky to find the therapist I am seeing now to take me on. He isn’t afraid of me and is the most relaxed therapist I have ever met. He is very good at me bringing up things and talking about it. He is reserved which kind of makes me think he isn’t listening to me but it just takes him a while to respond in the “right” way. Very unlike my previous therapist, who always jumped in with her thoughts, even before I was finished speaking. It annoyed the crap out of me and shut me down.
My friend was afraid of talking about his story. But he is glad that he did. I told him I know the fear as I was so fearful when my memoir was first publish that no one would read it. It has helped people (https://www.amazon.com/Midnight-Demon-Suicidal-Illness-Syndrome/dp/149430886X/ref=la_B00N8AI4I4_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8 ) and even though it’s not on the best seller’s list, I am proud of it. I put a lot of emotional energy into writing it as well as a lot of personal stories. My psych said that it was a powerful read and that I was really out there. It’s a brutally honest account of what I have been through with my mental illness and nerve condition. I didn’t hold anything back.
I wanted to shave my head today. Keeping up with the maintenance has been harder than I thought. I didn’t shave yesterday so I have two days of growth. I might do it later. I need to shower anyways. I am not having much pain, yet.
I emailed my psych about her being a passed the buck but I haven’t heard back from her. I guess we’ll just talk about it when I see her next week. I need a refill on some meds. I need to remember to tell her that at the beginning in case the computer decides to be a jerk.
Weather has cooled off but it’s supposed to be humid the next few days, which I am not looking forward to. I still have had to put the AC on because it was stuffy in my room. My foot has not liked it because it made my foot ice cold, which made me have to put on thermal socks. I am so glad I bought them from LL Bean years ago. They are really warm and save my feet from frost bite for no good reason. My feet get cold because of nerve damage. It sucks but I have been dealing with this for 16 years now.
I really need to write a blog about my therapist. I think it will help me deal with the grief. I keep thinking of her when a certain song is on the radio or just in general. She had been so much a part of my life for so long and I always equate my nerve injury with our relationship. It is really difficult to tease it apart. But that is another story for another time.
Today is my nephew’s birthday so we will be meeting up later to have hot dogs and watch the game. I hope the Sox win as the Twins suck. I did buy the Red Sox gear but I didn’t buy those slippers. I decided not to get them in case the hurt me. I still got free shipping, which was cool. I should have them in the next week or so.