Tag: transgender

Pissed off

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pissed off

I have a friend that is being treated like a bad person by her son. There are issues that I won’t get into but it’s got me thinking about my own mother. And frankly, she is a bad mother. She has never accepted me. Sure she will gladly accept my money but that is the only thing she accepts. The other day I was cold in my room so was wearing my beanie hat. She made a comment that if I wore long hair, I wouldn’t be cold. I ignored it like I usually do because she doesn’t know that I am transgender. I don’t even think she knows what being transgender is about. Today she called me “miss” and I flew off the fucking handle. It was the way she said it that really ticked me off. I wanted so badly to tell her to call me sir but I kept biting my tongue.

Tonight, she called me to tell me what she was making for dinner. It was cauliflower with pasta. I already had a bunch of carbs with the oatmeal pancakes I made for breakfast and wanted something else. She hung up on me when I declined. I am so pissed off when she hangs up on me. I did nothing to deserve this and I know we have been getting in a tiff all fucking day because we have been cooped up in the house because of the fucking weather. But I don’t think I deserve to be treated this way.

I am so damn angry at her because she never validates what I go through. She doesn’t accept my short men hair cuts. But I can’t be her “daughter”. I just can’t. It’s not in me. I don’t know why she hates me so damn much. And don’t anyone tell me different. A mother should accept their child unconditionally. She has conditions and I don’t fit in them. It fuels my suicidality because I never will have the mother that I should have. It pisses me off because there are mothers, like my friend, who will do anything for their child and doesn’t expect anything in return except maybe a little gratitude.

My mother has been against me seeing a therapist from the get-go. She thinks she should be my therapist. How can I talk with her when she doesn’t even accept that depression is an illness? I have tried to talk with her and her response is always to “let it go” and don’t think about it. Would a therapist tell their client this? Hell no. That is why I don’t talk to her about my problems. I might vent that about the disability paperwork might rescind my claim and no longer call me disabled. Her response was she needs the money for the mortgage. I should cut the cable bill by totally disconnecting it. That will save me a hundred bucks a month. Just to piss her off. She is just so damn callous. She isn’t like this with my sisters.

I am in pain all the damn time yet she thinks, I am willing to bet, that I should be working despite this. She just has no respect for me at all. And it hurts.

Break in Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Break in Sleep

I can never sleep a full 6 hours anymore, even with drugs that are supposed to make you sleepy. I just woke up a little while ago. I had to go to the bathroom and I figure I write a little bit. I am still under the effects of the Neurontin and will be going to bed shortly. I have decided to skip my meds tonight. I just don’t give a fuck. I am still pissed off that this doctor didn’t write a goodbye letter or let me know she was leaving. Least my PCP had a curtesy of writing a letter before he departed.

I am so nervous of seeing another doctor. I am just afraid that I will say the word suicide and they will freak out. Or ignore me like the doctors did when I first saw them. They never asked me if I was currently suicidal or anything. I might as well have been saying to them turkeys or something. But with the new doc, I don’t know if I can say the “s” word and still walk out of the office unescorted. I was never depressed with getting my premenstrual stuff. I was just extremely suicidal. I was in the worst pain of my life and I wanted to die very badly. Then the “switch” would go off and I wouldn’t be as suicidal. It was like a relief that the pain went away and I wasn’t thinking of ending my life. It had nothing to do with being TG. I wasn’t even out when I saw the doctor, or I was just coming to terms with being TG.

I just hope that I can be seen within the next three weeks because that is all I have left of my pill pack, actually it’s more like two weeks of pills that I have. I am trying hard not to take ALL of the pills for this week as I just have the fuck its really bad, which is why I am not taking more meds tonight because I am afraid adding oxcarb to the Neurontin is going to cause an interaction and I am going to be more foggy than anything.

I am starting to bleed heavier so I had to switch to female underwear and female products. I feel so degraded.

Saturday Blog 36

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Saturday Blog 36

I went to the Square and didn’t get stranded. I was so happy the bus came on time to take me home. I did a little bit of writing on my new story that I wrote almost a month and a half ago. It was the first time writing on it since I drafted it. The pen I was using ran out of ink, but I came prepared this time. I had two pens in my pocket, each a different colored ink. I didn’t care as long as I wrote something to this story. When not working on the whole of the story, I have a notepad by my bed that I write my ideas on. I will inject these ideas when I am typing up the whole.

It is fricken cold today, despite being close to 60 degrees. I just wore a T-shirt and it turned out to be a mistake. I should have worn a sweater. I had time to grab it but that would mean walking down the street I hate, going up two flights of stairs and then going down same flights of stairs, up the same street that I hate and wait for the bus. Wasn’t happening so I froze. I don’t know why Starbucks had the damn AC on. Maybe the place has to be kept a cooler temperature for the machines. We had to be kept cold in the lab because the analyzers ran so hot. So even on a cold winter day, the temperature in the lab was cold as well. I don’t ever remember the lab being kept warm, except by the machines. I didn’t care as I was always hot. It was very rare that I was cold due to the temperature of the lab. I wouldn’t wear shorts, but I always wore a T-shirt or short sleeved button down. I miss working in the lab. I wish I could work just a few hours but I know my ankle would act up even before I got to work and then by the end of the shift, I would be in more pain. I no longer have a car so going home by T would suck really bad. But it depends on what shift I would work. Preferably, I would love swing shift, this way I am not there early and I can get out early. But with my LTD, I can’t work at all and I can’t risk losing it in case working doesn’t work out.

It was stressful in the lab because of the high demand of patient samples on any given shift. During the week was the worse because of outpatient samples. They would come in by the truck load. And there was no keeping up until they stopped coming in. It had its moments though. I was a senior person, even though I never got the actual title for it. Even supervisors would come to me with questions on how to handle a difficult specimen. I seen it all, all types of body fluids, tissues, you name it, I probably saw it, except for body parts. That was another department.

My twitter buddy posted some stuff today that really got me angry. Apparently, there is a petition going around the internet wanted to remove the “T” from LGBT. As if being transgendered isn’t hard enough. They got like 1000 signatures. What fucking morons. What is next, removing the “B”? I don’t get it. I didn’t want to even look at the stupid petition because I knew it would upset me. I am already feeling like an outcast in my own skin, let alone to the LGBT community. I had a weird dream last night that I was thrown out of the house and I had to call this 800 number to get to Houston. My cousin lives in Houston and the number links to him. I would go there to live. It was the strangest dream I ever had. I guess yesterday’s blog really sunk into my subconsciousness. I have been meaning to call a transgender hotline, just to talk about being transgender but the hotlines are mostly for crisis and I am not in crisis. I would hate to take time up while someone who is in crisis needs to talk to someone. I wish they had email or something that I could use. It would be helpful to talk to another FTM. My brother in law’s nephew is FTM but he doesn’t like to talk about the specifics about his condition. He has been through so much discrimination and I hate to bring it up because he always seems to stand offish. One of my brother in law’s brother used to be gay, but gave “it” up when he became a Jehovah’s witness. I don’t know how you can give up your sexuality, but then I don’t understand that faith at all. He says he is depressed at times and I wonder if it is because he isn’t who he truly is meant to be. You can have a relationship with God or a higher power and still be gay. I just don’t understand. People do it all the time. I don’t have a relationship with God or a higher power. I guess it’s because of the way I grew up that I don’t believe in it anymore. I had one person tell me when I was at my lowest point that maybe I should seek out “his guidance” all because he prayed for me all the time. I got really mad because I felt like who are you to tell me this or tell me what I should or shouldn’t believe in. It was very upsetting to me.

But getting back to the transgender piece, I often feel so alone. I don’t have many gay or lesbian friends that I am close to. I never belonged in the community even when I went to the Boston Alliance of Gay and Lesbian Youth (BAGLY). I still felt like I was an outsider even among my peers. We had MTF leader but I never was able to get close enough to her to talk to her about how I felt. I just was a tomboy lesbian to the group. I didn’t know what being TG was until I was in my 30s. It was then that I realized part of the root of my suicidality was that I was the wrong gender. It was killing me and I had no idea. Every time I would get my menses, I would get seriously suicidal until I started bleeding. Then I would be “fine”. It got worse as time went on. I dreaded getting the menses every month and the suicidality just got worse. I split myself in two, the part that had to go on living and working to sustain myself and the other part to end my life because it had become so unbearable. All of this was before I found Shneidman and Jobes. I think if I didn’t find their work, I might not be here today. Ten years ago this month I made a plan to end my life. I went on business as usual until my therapist as what was really going on. I remember laughing at the question because I was so split. I was bored in therapy. I mean what was the point as I was going to kill myself. But she got to me and I made the decision to tell her my plans before I acted on them. I somewhat regret that decision at times. I know I regretted it a year later when I got hit with CES again. I think it was around this time that I was putting two and two together around being transgender and how much it was killing me not being who I was. It was killing me being a female, literally. The only thing that I wanted to do more than anything was to either have a hysterectomy or stop my menses. It took a couple years of trial and error with pills to get to where I am today. Even when I have to have break through bleeding every 4-5 months it doesn’t bother me as much as it did. It does bother me, but I am not suicidal over it.

I know there are FTMs out there. I just got to find them and hopefully they will accept me into their community. Being alone sucks and is so isolating. Even if I just had one person to talk to, that would be good. I hope I find that one person that doesn’t think I am a freak.

Random 504

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, transgender

My psychiatrist cancelled our appointment for this afternoon. I get to see her early Monday morning instead. This turned out ok except I didn’t go to Starbucks like I planned to. I woke up early enough but the dang tireds got me and I couldn’t leave my bed. I kept waking up every hour saying “ok, just a few more minutes”, but those minutes turned into hours. I had an errand to do with my mother and finally was able to get up around 1245 to go with her.

I figured I would take the later bus but the clothes I was wearing were making me really hot (sweatpants) on this very warm day. I still have time to go catch the bus but I think I will go tomorrow or try to. My luck for going to the Square on a Saturday haven’t been too good. But I now know a way around it should I get stranded.

One of my twitter buddies was talking about suicide and how people blame the patient for not getting well in therapy. It triggered me big time as well as pissed me off. So I did a little ranting about it as it really provoked my thoughts on the matter. I normally turn these rants into a blog because there were quite a few good thoughts on the matter. But I am too lazy to collect them. No one responded to my tweets, not even my friend. Oh well. I guess I don’t write very well. But then I don’t have many followers.

This morning when my psych emailed me to change our appointment, I was very surprised she used my birth name. I have always signed my name as the one I plan on changing it to for the past year now. It was kind of shocking. I thought she was ok with my transgender status. Now I am going to have to confront her on it. I am really nervous because it will be like confronting my mother. We never really discussed names. I always call her doc. I never call her by her first name. I don’t know if, because we have known each other for so long, she is having trouble calling me the name that I chose or that because I never brought it up before, she just doesn’t know. Calling me by my birth name really bothers me because I hate the name with a passion. I have been meaning to bring it up to her because this isn’t the first time she has used my birth name since coming out as TG. I know there have been a few name changes since I first came out. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to change my name to. But now I have firmly decided on GC or G. The thing that sucks is that I can’t discuss this with my therapist until Tuesday and my appointment with my pdoc is on Monday. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like writing her an email because I am better at writing than face to face confrontation. If it goes wrong, I know I am going to feel suicidal.