Tag: transgender

TG Issues 6: Coming Out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, transgender

TG Issues 6: coming out

I got a text message from my sister tonight about my mother. She wanted to know if I told her yet, even though I told her, via text, next week. When I told her I was writing her a letter, she got me upset. She said that I shouldn’t do that, she (mother) wouldn’t understand. It’s not like she is going to understand it better me telling her but she is deaf and this will cut down on me having to repeat myself multiple times, causing me more aggravation. Sister then thinks that I shouldn’t be doing this at all, unless it’s face to face. Fuck that. I just spent an hour with the crisis text (741741, US only) telling them how my sister is not supporting me and how upset I am about it. I seriously just wanted to die by suicide when I got her multiple texts. It was like she was pulling support from me and I just couldn’t handle it. No one knows how suicidal I am right now. And this subject is the cause of me being suicidal. The text line took at least 40 minutes to get to me. I was denying the severity of my suicidality. Only because I knew that I would not be acting on what I was feeling and usually they want to deal with that. I am still having thoughts of wanting to kill myself that are very intense.

I basically am going to tell my mother that I do not want to be called a “miss” anymore. And that if I am, it will be ignored until the correct pronoun is used. The correct pronoun should be either mister or sir. I am not a female. I do not wish to discuss this in person as it is upsetting to me and when you call me “miss”, it hurts me. I hope you will respect my wishes. I think this is sufficient. I don’t need to tell her that I am thinking about becoming a man or getting testosterone shots or anything of that nature. She doesn’t need to know.

What I wrote in the last paragraph is sufficient. I will bring it up to my therapist when I talk to her on Tuesday. I will be emailing this to my psychiatrist so she is aware of what is going on. I know I could have paged her tonight, but I didn’t want to bother her this late on a Friday night. I am always afraid of her telling me to “come in”, meaning go to the ER.

I also talked with my blogger friend in CA. She always makes me feel better because she understands TG issues. She has many friends that are either gay or TG. I envy her. I wish I was a part of a community. This weekend is Boston’s Pride but I won’t be attending because I can’t stand crowds. It gives me horrible anxiety. Plus with my ankle acting up, I doubt I would be able to stand for too long. I should get one of the walker seats but I am not there yet. I want to be mobility free as possible but it’s getting more and more likely that I will need to have these devices because I just cannot tolerate walking long distances or standing for more than twenty minutes.

I took my meds along with my pain meds. I was going to take an extra Ativan but I don’t think I will need it. I am not as anxious as I was a few hours ago. I think the pain meds have blunted my emotions as I am very tired. Least my ankle is not hurting me as much anymore, which is a good thing. Maybe now, I can finally go to sleep.

Random 645

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Last night I was bored so I printed off my book so that I could edit it sometime today. I wasn’t planning on being in pain, however. My foot exploded last night and again this morning. I took my pain meds and despite drinking coffee, I feel like I need a nap. Surprisingly, my toner yielded all 42 pages without any skipping or runs. This is the one that the printer came with and I am happy that I don’t have to use my new toner, yet. It’s surprisingly efficient given that you usually only get about 20 pages of stuff before it goes. I have printed almost 60 pages of stuff on this cartridge. I will keep it as long as it keeps printing!

I am in a lot of pain. Just walking down the stairs to make the coffee hurts. I am supposed to go to my cousin’s house this weekend for a party. I will be the designated driver as my brother in law wants to drink. Question is whether the day is Sun or Sat. I texted my cousin but haven’t heard back from him, yet. It’s his son’s birthday and they are having a BBQ and pool party. I am kind of anxious about it because he is in a state far away from home. I just hope I don’t get the antsies to get back home because it is a long ride. I just heard pool and I was sold. I might bring a notepad with me just in case I get the urge to write. I don’t think we will be there more than a few hours, but knowing my family, it can go until the evening hours and I hate driving at night.

The Shame book that I am reading has a few errors in it. A couple of words were spelled wrong and there are some punctuation issues. So much for being perfect! I guess when you publish independently and don’t use an editor, things like this happen. But then, I hired an editor and there was a punctuation error that I found in my book. Guess we all can’t be perfect. I am learning a lot from this book and last night when I was reading how to deal with parents, it gave me the words of kind of what I want to say to my mother about my TG issues. Now I just need to write it and go over it with my therapist. Once this happens, I will give it to my mother. I know my therapist won’t be picky about what I write. And I know whatever I do write, she is going to be okay with, but I want the wording to be right so there isn’t a huge fallout.

I haven’t had anything to eat, yet, except a banana and coffee. I just don’t know what I want to eat. I could make some eggs but that involves standing and I just don’t want to. I am in too much pain to stand. I do have to go out today and pick up my prescription. I haven’t figured out how I am going to get there with my ankle being so sore right now. I might need to walk with my cane. Or just wait until the pain meds settle it down some. I really hate taking my meds during the day but this pain is unreal. I really hate it, but there is nothing I can do about it (besides take meds and be off it).

I finally remembered to take my morning blood pressure meds. I missed two days in a row because I forgot. I am glad I have an app that reminds me to take my meds or I will always be forgetting more often and that would not be good. I think that is the reason why I had been anxious the past two days. The BP med is a beta blocker that also helps with anxiety. I was first put on it in the hospital last August because my BP was unstable and I was having panic attacks as well as chest pain. I emailed my psychiatrist last night because I was anxious again, not bad, but enough to make feel like I was going to lose it. I told her all I could do was take an Ativan.

My sister texted me to see if I told my mother yet about the TG stuff. I told her I haven’t yet. It will be soon enough. I will probably write a first draft tonight. She was questioning why I am not telling her face to face. I just can’t. If it goes the way I think it will go, I will be terribly suicidal afterwards and I want my therapist to be around. I tell her now, my therapist isn’t available, I can be lethal and I don’t want to end up in the hospital. I haven’t told my other sister my plans. She hasn’t been “alone” for me to talk to her privately. I don’t even know if she knows I am TG. She read my book but she didn’t say anything to me about being TG or question anything I wrote. All she said was “well written”. I honestly don’t know how she is going to take the news either. The whole process is making me nervous. I guess that is why my anxiety is up.

Did it Again

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, transgender

Did it Again

Just got off the phone with a good friend of mine. We were talking and I came very close to telling him that I was trans but something stopped me. Then I go on Facebook and lo and behold I find out that Obama has appointed the first transgender woman to some position. I got thinking, where the hell are the trans men? Am I the only one coming out? Should I stay in the closet, so to speak? I am getting so fucking bullshit about this that the suicidal impulses are at an all time high right now. I still think killing myself is the way to go. I will die as a woman, which is what everyone thinks I am anyway so who is going to know?

I just feel like I am wasting my time thinking about ending my life. I know that I probably am not going to go through with it, but I just need it to be there. But here I go again, stuck in the pain and darkness at an hour that isn’t convenient to talk to anyone about how I am feeling so I am writing this stupid blog. Not that I would call anyone. I hate talking to people on the phone, except for my goofy therapist. I haven’t taken my meds yet for the night. I took some trilafon because my thoughts were getting out of hand. The cousin that I saw earlier today called while I was talking to my friend. Figures. I knew he was going to call me tonight. He wants me to call him but it’s too late and he just wants to talk bullshit things. I am tired of bullshit. I can never talk to him when I am like this. He just doesn’t understand or want to deal with the darkness I deal with. No one does.

I know things will be better in the morning, they usually are. But this agitation is unreal right now. I hate feeling this way. I know pain is going to hit sometime soon so I have taken my pain meds in anticipation. My foot is already swollen so its just a matter of fucking time. I was telling my friend about this and of course, all he said was wow. He got it though. He has a medical background. He couldn’t believe I was disabled but he understands. I don’t know why I am so aggravated. I hate being who I am right now. I realized tonight that if I didn’t have breasts, I would be called a man but people don’t look at your face anymore, they just look at your chest to determine gender. It’s sickening. I hate being this way. And if I have to live like this for much longer, I know I will end up in the grave. I was reading today somewhere that suicide isn’t a destiny. Apparently they don’t know me. They also said that people just want their pain to end. Yes, that would be nice but I still will have to deal with the depression, the physical pain, the mental pain, the disability, the you name its. Who wants to live that way? I don’t. I have had enough. So the plan that I put off is not back on the table. Maybe it will be off the table by morning but I doubt it. I want to be something I am not and it’s killing me slowly, every day.

TG Issues 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Had therapy today. She wasn’t as talkative today as she was yesterday. We talked about the self help book that I bought about shame and perfectionism. She asked if it had to do with trauma and I said I don’t know, I just started reading it! It is very dense so it is going to take me a while to read. Dense books I have to read in spurts or my brain gets fuzzy. We also talked about the letter that I wrote her but I had already sealed it up for mailing so couldn’t get her specifics. I know most of it is about my cousin and what he did to me. Still sickens me every time I think about it and makes me feel ashamed of myself, so maybe this new book might help with that. I also told her I found a former therapist’s address online. I only looked her up to send her my book. I think she will be proud that I wrote a book, even though the content is a little disturbing. But she is in the book so I hope she will understand.

I had sent my therapist a pic of my stupid goatee, which I will be trimming tonight when I take a shower. It’s grown past its tolerable length. She likes it on me. I like it too, but think it’s stupid because I have a space in between. A real man would just have it continuous. She said testosterone would fill it in. I am thinking about taking testosterone supplements. I might run it past my psychiatrist when I see her on Friday. I didn’t tell my therapist these thoughts because she is not a doctor. I figure I might bypass the whole having to go to a doctor for T. With my pituitary problem, it should be that hard to produce more T, which is why I can grow a goatee to begin with. We also talked a little about Jenner. There is no way you cannot talk about her as she is in the news big time! What angers me is that people are saying she is “heroic”. There is nothing “heroic” about coming out as TG. It’s a hard process. It is courageous and brave, especially to go public like she has, but not “heroic”. It’s like Chaz, Cher’s son. He came out and was in the lime light for a while and then went back to being under the radar. Same will happen with Jenner, eventually.

I wish I could come out like Jenner. I am envious, but then she has the money to do the changes and I don’t. I don’t even know if it is covered under my insurance. Course, I have to go forward to find out. The biggest thing for me is to get rid of my damn breasts. I hate looking at them, I hate the way they feel on me, and I hate that they are asymmetrical. It just really makes me hate myself because it only reinforces what I am not, just like my menses.

I went off on my mother today for the first time ever. She wanted me to do the dishes but I wanted to write. She then called me lazy. I don’t know what the hell the big deal was. It wasn’t like the sink was overflowing with dishes. Just pissed me off and I said that it hurt me to be called lazy. She then asked, You aren’t lazy? in her sarcastic voice. I got wicked angry. Now she is calling me because dinner is ready. I swear she doesn’t take my writing seriously. Course, with my book published, I really haven’t made that much money, which is all she really cares about. I really hate living with an unsupportive parent but I have no choice. I can’t live on my own because it just costs too much and I can’t work like I used to because I am disabled. It just really sucks.