Tag: writing

question of interest

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Interest

I wondered today why I keep telling my therapist I am suicidal when I really want to kill myself. I know that she can stop me with a phone call for the white coats but it is more than that. Maybe I am afraid that if I am no longer suicidal to her, she will lose interest in me and find me a bore. I doubt this is true but I can’t help but feel this way. I also wonder why I am suicidal. I know I am depressed but you don’t have to be depressed to be suicidal. I hate myself. I hate my life. But I mostly just hate myself because I am not who I am.

Then I think maybe I am just suicidal to keep my readers interested. I know that sounds silly. I am not an attention seeker. I really feel like killing myself at times but something always holds me back, from going through with my plan. Lately it has been trying to see if taking the different pills I am on in large doses will be effective in doing damage. I don’t know why I think these things. It just comes to me so automatic that I really have gotten out of touch with what I truly feel and can think about something other than killing myself. The coping strategies I know about I have not put into use, though distraction is my biggest coping skill I use. If I distract myself from killing myself, that is good. Usually music will do it or sometimes writing/journaling/blogging. I write my therapist letters about how I feel and send them to her. I don’t know if she reads them as I usually save them up and when a bunch accumulates, I then mail them. They can be the most depressing things she ever reads. But it helps distract from acting on killing myself. I feel that the interest I have in suicide is also a factor in why I want to kill myself.

Today my therapist and I were talking about lethality. I don’t think I am lethal in my suicidality where she thinks I am because it’s not like I am saying I am taking one aspirin and calling it an OD. I am saying I am thinking about taking the bottle. But then the feeling passes but the thoughts don’t. I don’t know if this is making sense. I have been up since 0600, with weird dreams a few hours before that waking me up every 90 mins, which is the standard dream cycle. I am waking up because the dreams are disturbing but I can’t recall them when I wake up. Even now I don’t remember what the dreams were about. I know one of them had me in my old house I grew up in. But that is all. Frustrating as hell because this has gone on the past three nights and I have been waking up early despite going to bed around midnight. It just sucks because being sleep deprived always gives me a migraine, like I have right now. I want to take a nap but I think that will just make my sleep even more disturbed. And the more my sleep is disturbed, the more suicidal and pain I get.

down by the water

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Water tower

There is a song by Jason Aldean called Water Tower and every time I hear it, it takes me back to the days when I would sit on the edge of Chelsea creek just wasting the day away wishing I could leave my town and never come back. It really takes me back. The hours I would spend by the water always had a calming effect on me. I would watch the tug boats if they were cruising by. I was by myself all the time. Time just seem to pass and before I knew it, it was time to go home. I love sitting by the water watching the waves go by, thinking about my problems or just hearing the waves beat against the rocks taking my troubles away. Those were the days of innocence. How much I wanted to get away from my town and be on my own and never come back.

I would spend time after school there or sometimes if I hooked school I would go there to get away. It was the only place where I could be by myself and not be bothered by anyone. It was my true solace place where I found serenity. I wish I could go back to that place but they have fix it up and now it is a little park. The place where I would sit on the rocks have been eroded away by the winter storms or just erosion. I find it still a place of solace and I wish I could return frequently but the travel is too far now that I am no longer in the town I grew up in.

band perry

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

There is a band called The Band Perry. The lead singer writes songs that have to do with death. Although the songs have been number one hits, I cannot help but think that this person is trying to express herself in ways like Kurt Cobain did in his songs. After Mindy McCready’s death, shouldn’t someone at least check in with this person about her mental health. I would hate for this talented artist commit suicide because no one catches it. Their latest hit is called “Done”….HEELLLOOOOO

worries

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, writing

Just had chipoltle for lunch. Now I am enjoying my Isla Flores coffee from Starbucks. There are no seats at Starbucks so I am typing this is the noisy atmosphere of the Mexican restaurant. There are a lot of people talking over some kind of Spanish jam.

I had to get out of the house today as I was feeling cooped up. Today the coffee if better with a hint of chocolate that makes it takes like a mocha. I love Isla Flores.

I got some disturbing mail yesterday from my Long Term Disability (LTD). I am really upset about it and if it is for real and not some wrong development, I have to repay them. I don’t know how I am going to do this as I am already pushed to the limit with my finances. I have no other income other than my SSD. If I really do have to pay them back I can forget about school. There will be no “extra” now and I will be barely scraping by. I still plan on taking a summer class just to see how I do but I think that will make me want to take more classes. This just sucks.

And of course the first thought that popped into my mind when I got the letter was killing myself. If I were to just throw a rope over my neck and take a dive off the back porch, that will solve all my problems. I know It will cause others but at least I won’t owe the government, Sallie Mae, and now my LTD over $150,000 dollars! I need to win the lottery.

I hate Saturdays. It always reminded me that I needed to work. I would bust my ass getting to work every week just to clean up the mess day shift had left me. Whether it be the MPA or the outpatients there was always left over work to be done.

After waiting almost a half hour in the cold for the bus, I am wicked cold. I am now in my flannel pajamas and under my flannel blanket to try and warm up. The temp was in the thirties, though I swear with the wind, it was colder. Now I am in my room and it still feels cold. I have socks, long sleeves, flannel PJs, and I am still fucking cold. I would turn up the heat but that would mean leaving my cozy bed and I don’t want to.

I really wanted to go to school this summer. I still have the money for it but I am not sure it will be a wise decision to make given the debt that I am facing. Plus I don’t want it to turn to a tease because I know I won’t be able to take another class for a while. This is of course, if I am able to register online without difficulty. This class has pre-reqs so that is the only thing that will hold up my registration, but if I have to go down to the school, that will be cool too. I don’t know if a book(s) are required for this class. But it will be interesting. Oh I really want to say to hell with the consequences and take this class!!!!