Tag: writing

Easter ramblings

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

It’s six thirty in the morning and I just can’t seem to go back to sleep. I got a million things on my mind that I have to do. I just did one, cancel my group for this week. I don’t want to go back but I am too afraid to say that just yet. I will eventually.

I had a good Easter, stuffed my self silly with a delicious ham that my sister made. I just couldn’t help but eat it.

I am trying an experiment with my pain meds. I am going to try and see if I can get off them without causing withdrawals or a bad pain cycle to ensue. Day one has been ok, though my ankle at night was testing me. It was really hurting but I was so tired I ignored it and it seemed to have settled down some. It still hurts but not at the same level. I always have pain in my ankle and foot. It is so common that sometimes I don’t even notice it. I have gotten so used to it.

I have decided to put the book that I am writing on hold. I really don’t think it is going to become of anything. I don’t know anyone in the writing world to make it happen anyways. I don’t even know how to write a manuscript. Right now, the paper is more like a long essay than a book. It’s about twenty pages long, the shortest book ever written.

Every morning at 0821 and 0921 I get a call from “unknown”. I ignore it because I don’t know who it is. It is very annoying. One day last week they called me three times, every hour. I was going to answer and yell at them but I would feel stupid if it was an automatic voice recording calling my number. My yelling would go unheard. So for now, I just ignore the phone call. If it was something important, I am sure they would have left a voicemail message saying so (which they have not). I just hate it because the calls wake me up and I hate being up before nine.

I’m not sure what I am going to do today. I cancelled my group. I should call my LTD and set up a payment plan with them but I am not sure I am ready to haggle with them. It is partly their fault for not letting me know that I had to let them know I was collecting SSD.

Baseball season starts today. I can’t wait. I really hope this year turns out to be a good year for the Sox. I’ll be wearing the uniform to try and give them some luck. But for now I think I will try and take a nap before my therapy.

Therapy pissed me off. I just got very annoyed with her and event though I said so, she annoyed me more! I just can’t take her stupidity. I really can’t. I’m going back to bed. Maybe a nap will put me in a better mood to watch the Sox game.

a mix of things

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Today was the last day of spring training at Fort Meyers and the Sox won. I love it. Would have been better if I watched but the stupid hockey game was on. I can’t wait for Monday’s game against the Skankees.

I was talking with a friend of mine when an idea struck. She is writing a book about her coin finding and I thought that I should do the same but about songs. I have a knack for songs finding me and having some deep meaning with me. Take for example Gloriana’s new single, “Can’t Shake You”. It is the perfect song of when my therapist left me and I couldn’t get over her. Or Rascal Flatts “the Broken Road”. I hear that and it makes me think of my friend Melinda who if she didn’t cross my path when she did, I doubt that I would be here today. I can write most songs that I listen to that have a meaning for me. I don’t know if this is just the crazy part of me but I know sometimes these songs talk to me.

Went to Starbucks today to have my Isla Flores, my Indonesian coffee that I absolutely love. This has to be the third or fourth coffee from that country that I like. I still have my Blue Java and they also have the West Java which I am kind of crazy about but it can be a little overwhelming with the aftertaste. I have switched to drinking my coffees iced and that has helped. I just wish I could make iced coffee at home without diluting it.

Of course the temperature today is twenty degrees higher than it has been all week and my back is paying the price for it. I keep on getting spasms in my back. I am so far resisting the urge to pop a pain pill as the sciatica is just about my breaking point. I am supposed to watch my niece tonight and I hope that my back cooperates. I’d hate to cancel on my brother in law’s birthday because my back is hurting.

ankle chronicles 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I went to my appointments today for my primary and psychiatry. Neither had much to offer other than doing the same old same old. My primary wants me to see yet another doctor for the same problem I have been having. I want to refuse but I will make the appointment Monday to show that I am making an effort at getting to the bottom of my pain even though no one knows why I am in pain. They have different theories, each doctor I see has a different opinion or that there is nothing wrong with me because it doesn’t show up on an MRI or X-ray. I just want to be able to control my pain. Is that so wrong? That is why I see him, to get medication for my pain so that I am not suicidally inclined to end my life because of the physical pain in my foot and ankle. But let’s take it from my perspective. I have seen at least 10 medical professionals in the past year to find out what my pain is about. I have had countless sessions of physical therapy, all that have no helped my pain or ease the misery of it. And now he wants me to see my physiatrist to get yet another opinion on what is the reason behind my pain. He thinks that it is tendinitis. If that were so, I would have been cured of that within 6-8 weeks after immobilization. I have worn a boot for almost three months and still my ankle felt like it was going to fall off. To be up in pain night after night of doing NOTHING the past few months have shown that something nerve like is the culprit and not a mechanical problem like it was. Unless I am going up and down stairs wrong after 37 years. Then maybe I am doing something mechanically wrong flexing and reflexing my foot in the upward and downward motion of stair climbing. But no one know this for certain. Hell I don’t even know. I have to take the steps one step at a time to avoid falling. I have gotten so into the habit that I no longer do one step after the other on the stairs leading away from my bedroom.

I am tired of having to explain my pain every month but have decided that I am not going to take my pain medicine every day that I am suppose to. I have no appointment with my primary in a month like I supposed to either. So my little experiment will be can I go a few weeks without pain medication. I know this prospect scares me a little but I feel that I have to at least try this. My only fear is that it will bring on a pain cycle that will be hard to break once it starts. I know that if I don’t do this I might as well try and kill myself now. What is the point of going on like this if I am just going to have panic attacks worrying about pain all the time like I do. I have zap pain, I have burning pain. I don’t have pain down the leg. I don’t have back pain. I just have this fucking pain in my ankle and foot that does not go away except for when I sleep. It is with me 24/7. Some of it I am not aware of because I have gotten so used to it. But if I stop and think about it, it is there, buzzing like a bee.

blog post 262

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I have been up since eight. I tried to go back to sleep but failed. Woke up again from a strange dream, which I have been having all week. I don’t know why that is. I have stopped taking my pain meds for the time being to see if that was making the weird dreams but it is not. I don’t know what is causing this. Might be my mood stabilizer. I remember going through a period of this when I first started it. It will phase out eventually but it is disturbing as hell.

I couldn’t write yesterday as I was exhausted and had another headache. So far I have been getting them the past three days at the exact same time. Another oddity. I took some migraine meds and that seemed to put it to a holt for now. We’ll know this afternoon if it comes back, I guess.

I have decided I won’t be going back to group therapy. It is just too stressful for me. The walking is too far and hurts me and after each session I want to kill myself.

I will be going to visual therapy starting next week. For some reason they called me last night to confirm my appointment. That is a week’s confirmation!

I should be getting Lincoln soon. I can’t wait to watch this movie again. It is such a great film.

I have decided, sort of, that I won’t be going out today. I need the rest because last week when I had back to back appointments, all I did was sleep all day Friday because I was in pain most of the night. I’d like to sleep today but I got therapy in about a half hour. And I have stuff I like to talk about while awake.

I think today I will work on my book for a little bit. I have some stuff to add that I have been thinking about. I also found a journal from 2006 that is helping to fill in the gaps a little bit. I forgot that I didn’t really keep a journal. See I would write my therapist letters and they became quite numerous so I started to keep the letters in journals as a way of me writing my thoughts and also to keep track of my therapy progress or regress. Some entries I was mad at her. Others I was tearful. It also documented my back injury in 2006 when I had to have surgery. That was important to me because I had blocked out a lot of what was going on while I was in a lot of pain and I seriously tried to down play it so that no one would now how bad I was hurting, and I was hurting bad. I remember I went to the supermarket to get some food and reached for a can of peas or something on the top shelf and that caused me such pain that I just left my things and went home. I had no idea that my back was in bad shape. Even the surgeon was asking how I could be standing and walking as the chunk of disc they took out was significantly large. I ended up getting the chunks from pathology and have them in my room as a reminder of what I don’t want to go through a third time.