Tag: writing

another day of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome

Usually after a night of pain, I am ok the next day. I usually don’t have pain until later in the evening right before bed. Today was different. I woke up to my foot still hurting so I made some breakfast and took some pain pills and went back to sleep. I have been sleepy all afternoon since waking up at two o’clock. My foot is still hurting, not as bad so took another pain pill. Now I am ready for a nap.

I hate it when I have days like today. It just sucks because I don’t do anything but stay in my pajamas. I wanted to go out today to get my coffee and maybe write in my journal but that didn’t happen. It’s just another day in the house where all I can do is keep my foot up to stop it from hurting. Having a pain syndrome sucks.

I am very tired from the meds and feel a little dizzy, probably because I have not been drinking enough fluids. I could go to sleep right now and I am going to try and resist.

I started reading a new book. It’s about Lincoln’s first 100 days in office. So far, I think the book is badly written as the author has repeated himself a couple of times with in a few pages of each other. I don’t know if I can get through a book like this. Makes me wonder what the hell the editor was thinking or if he or she even read the thing. The book is supposed to be about the first 100 days but yet the author keeps talking about the Emancipation Proclamation, which is not until Lincoln’s second year, which is MORE than 100 days after he is in office. I’m already confused as to what the author is trying to convey.

pain and misery

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain

Eureka? I am in pain and want to do self harm to try and relieve it as no other pain pill does anything to take away or relieve my pain. I am tired of being in pain all the time, so much so I am entertaining thoughts of ending my life or drinking heavily to see if that helps. Crown royal mixed with some narcotics might do the trick in relieving the madness. It might also kill me but that would be a blessing and not a curse. I think I put too much pressure on my toes tonight while watching the baseball game. It’s hard to describe how I did this. I just realized this when my foot exploded. But then there are days when my foot explodes and I do not put pressure on my toes so I am at a loss. There is no rhyme or reason for my pain. It is nerve pain as clear as day, least in my mind. Tendonitis pain would be all the time while walking and going down stairs and such. But instead I have this pain while lying down in bed, while I am trying to go to sleep. It is as if my foot is saying “hello remember me? I am going to hurt you NOW because I CAN and there is nothing you can do to stop the hurting”. If it was my right foot, then I would say that there is a pattern but there is no pattern. There isn’t even a consistency in pain. Some nights I am tortured by burning, other nights I am tortured by vise like grips on my toes. Or like last night, I was tormented by zaps under my toe nail as if someone was trying to rip it off.

So I take my medication and I will be up for the next forty five minutes or so until it kicks in and I can hopefully find some slumber. I hope that I find slumber before I find a razor or get out of bed to get my whiskey. Maybe being drunk is the answer. I know that fresh cuts might help me but I have a wedding to go to this weekend so I don’t want to make a spectacle of my wounds. I have enough scars on my wrist that goes without saying. I just hope that I can stave off the impulses long enough to let the meds kick in and pray that it lessens the pain enough for me to sleep. I hate being like this….

anguish and misery

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I have been up since midnight. I don’t know why I woke up other than to use the bathroom. And I got a splitting headache. I have been listening to old music, 3 doors down and Rascal Flatts. I can always go from rock to country all the time. I have been trying to get the old cd of Rascal to MP3 format but I don’t have the software to convert it so I just ordered Roxio.

I had a goofy day. After I got off the phone with my therapist, I took some Neurontin to zone out. I really didn’t until about six in the evening, six hours after I took a big dose. I needed to take away the burning pain and the zaps in my foot. Now I am awake and I got to be up at eight. It’s two o’clock in the morning and I am wide awake. I took an Ativan to get back to sleep but it hasn’t kicked in yet.

I had canceled my appointment with my therapist for today but decided I need to talk to her because I feel suicidal. I had a bad pain out break last night and it put me in a bad mood, well, more than a bad mood. I would take some more neurontin but I don’t want to be goofy for six hours before passing out and then sleeping only for six hours. I just don’t know what to do. I keep thinking about ending my life and I can’t seem to think of a reason not to do it. I am sick of being in pain all the time. I can’t read, I can’t really write about stuff that doesn’t do with my pain and misery. I hate being miserable all the time. And the depression is weighing me down like a ten ton brick. I can barely breathe sometimes as I just feel like I have this weight on my chest. And nothing seems to work for me. There is no pill I can take to relieve this pressure. No pill for the anguish and heartbreak I feel every day. Just the emptiness inside of me that no one sees except me. I just feel like I would be better off dead.

blog post 266

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, suicide, writing

I have been up very early this morning. I don’t know why but I woke up at midnight and then went back to sleep for a few hours despite taking some Ativan. I guess when it wore off, I woke up and I have been up since. I had an appt today with my neurologist. Nothing new to add except to try yogi for chair sitting. Didn’t even know that existed. She said there are videos on Youtube. So I am going to try that as a form of exercise but if it hurts me, I am not doing it.

Today my back is out of whack because the temperature keeps fluctuating and tonight is going to go down to the twenties. So much for Spring to be here. This will suck for baseball tomorrow night if the temp in New York dips to the twenties, though I think they might be a little warmer than we are. Least I hope so. I also hope it doesn’t snow. I have never seen a baseball game postponed due to snow but I am sure there have been, just not this early in the season, and the season just started!!

Since I got the movie Lincoln, I have been obsessed with it. I have watched it at least 5 times so far. I am going to watch it again tonight as there is no baseball. I just love the movie. My goal is to learn it word for word like I have for the movie Titanic. I am the geek that went and saw that movie in theaters something like 16 times. I also have seen it at least a dozen or more times since owning it.

I am at an impasse with my therapist. I canceled tomorrow’s appointment and I don’t talk with her again till Monday. I thought I was going to not talk with her again for two weeks as she had schedule conflicts on our normal tues/thurs times. I need a break from therapy so I decided to cancel. She just annoyed me big time yesterday that I couldn’t stand talking with her again. We have been going at it 3-4 times a week for the past month. I need some time for myself. I know I am suicidal and it probably isn’t a good time to take a break but fuck it, I need it. Yesterday after she got off the phone, I took a large dose of a medication used for my nerve pain to knock myself out. It did anything but that. I was up for six hours before it finally knocked me out. Probably why I am having so much difficulty sleeping. But then my psychiatrist thinks the sleep difficulties are because of my pain medication. I haven’t taken my pain meds in a few days because I am trying to ween off of them. I am tired of my primary giving me a hard time about giving them to me. Also tired of him telling me I need to lose weight. Same story every time I see him. If I could walk, it would be no problem but seeing as I can’t walk without pain, it is a problem. Now the big dude thinks that I have tendonitis instead of it being nerve pain. I know it is nerve pain because it only flares up at night, even on a day that I am doing absolutely nothing but keeping my foot up or sleeping all day.

I am also at an impasse with my book. I have been told to leave it alone and it will come to me later but I am not so sure about that. It is really difficult writing your history about how you are at your lowest point and how you survived it. Sometimes I have no idea how I get through a crisis. I just somehow do. I would plan my death down to the last detail, set a date and somehow, still not go through with it. I know part of it is because of fear. Fear of failing or being disfigured or worse, being in a coma. I had a terrible dream the other night about getting into a car accident because a semi-truck went through a red light just as I was passing on green and I died instantly. Then my family had no clue what to do with me or my things. All I kept thinking about when I woke up was I should write a note should something happens so that they know who to contact and stuff. Give them my passwords to my laptop and email and let my online friends know that I have passed. Sounds morbid I know but if I were to die tomorrow, you guys would never know about it and this would be my last blog.