Tag: writing

new coffee and ramblings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders

I made it to my Starbucks and ordered a new coffee, Isla Flores from Indonesia. As long as it keeps me awake, it will do it’s job. It tastes really good so I am glad I got it iced.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I slept most of the day. I don’t remember if I had therapy I was so sleepy. I didn’t sleep too good the night before. I feel asleep around 2200 and then woke up at 0200. Stayed awake till 0400 when some moron called me at 0821 and then again at 0921. I was pissed because it was an unknown called. I wouldn’t mind the wake up call but I was in the middle of a dream and if left me feeling really sleepy. I think my therapist called two hours later and I know I feel asleep until 2pmish. I stayed up enough to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and after that I think I went back to bed. No writing, no journaling, just sleep.

Today I am feeling a little bit hungover from sleeping so much but at least I am out. I plan on working on my book long as the coffee and sandwiches hold out. Though I am tempted to go to McD’s and get another cheeseburger for dinner. Maybe I will…but not now. I need to do write this blog.

The group went ok even though I still am on suicidal watch with my therapist. I just got so upset I told her anything that would get her off the phone. I was so tired so she didn’t believe me. Figures. I really hate my life and I want so badly to end it. Sunday is my father’s birthday so I guess I can’t do it this weekend even though I should. That would send him a message but he is probably too stupid to realize it. Today is my fiend’s Ivan’s birthday. I don’t know if I should call him as we don’t really have a policy of calling one another on each other’s birthday. But I bet it would surprise him.

I wrote my vocabulary of suicide the other day and posted it. It got a few hits. I don’t know why I can’t be writing like I used to be. I just am so tired lately that I can’t think. All I can do is play my internet games and then go to sleep. My mother said that I should get a job as it would get me up. But I can’t work right now. I don’t have the patience to go find a job nor do I think I can handle the pressure of work right now. I know it’s been almost a year since I have been out of work but I am still afraid that I will have a set back and want to kill myself more than I do now. Plus it would cause trouble and I might lose my insurance from my old job if I do.

As I am listening to Starbucks, a new Mary Chapin Carpenter song comes on the radio. This makes me happy. I love MCC. I am going to see her in May with Shawn Colvin, who I don’t like as much. But Mary Chapin is the only artist that I can hear when I am in a bad mood and feel better afterwards. She has such a soothing voice. I wonder if her voice sounds the same in real life. I always wanted to meet her. I would die if I ever did, but I wonder what it would be like meeting with her in person. I think I would be so filled with awe in would take me few minutes or more to compose myself.

I have to buy dress clothes next week for a wedding as nothing fits me anymore. I figure I will buy some Dockers and a new dress shirt. Black and blue shirt should do fine. I wish my chest binder would be here by then but it won’t come in until after April 10th. I hope the weather is warmer by this wedding and there is no snow. We have had too much this winter but then we didn’t get any last winter so it’s a trade off. I can’t believe my little first cousin is getting married. Though she is almost 30 years old, I still think of her as my little cousin. They grow up so fast.

I cleaned out my DVR recording of old Criminal minds episodes that I have already seen. I don’t know why I have gotten out of sync with the show. I just stopped watching it after the 6th season and can’t seem to get back into it. I guess after Haley died and Hotchner felt that huge loss, I did too. Plus the show just got weirder and if people are really out there doing this stuff it scares me. Sometimes the line between fact and fiction can be so blurred.

vocabulary of suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt

Suicidal words

Hopelessness, psychache, lethality, perceived burdensomeness, thwarted belongingness, press, perturbation, fearlessness and competence.

These words encompass suicidality. It has been shown that most of the people that are suicidal feel this way and then act on the pressure of these feelings and commit and act of suicide. When someone feels all of these at once, it is a terrible feeling. Some people might only feel a few of these things and still be suicidal. Some people will feel these things and just be depressed.

Hopelessness, the feeling of being lost in hope, that nothing is ever going to change, that things will always be the same no matter what.

Psychache is defined as despair, anguish, hopelessness, guilt, worthlessness, and psychological pain one feels. It is like pain in the heart that no one else can feel. Your heart feels heavy and you feel like a burden because of it. Nothing soothes this pain. No medication can touch it. And suicide seems like the only answer for this type of pain and anguish.

Lethality, the degree to which someone is at risk for suicide. Whether it be a loaded gun or a few bottle of pills or some cuts on the wrist. This is what determines how suicidal a person is and how they are going to act. If the risk is high and eminent, involuntary hospitalization is called for. If the risk is low, then more contact is need and assessment at every visit.

Perceived burdensomeness, the idea that you are a burden to those around you but in reality you are not,

Thwarted belongingness, the idea that you don’t belong anywhere and feel the need to belong somewhere. It is a very awkward and lonely place that hurts very badly. Everyone wants to feel like they belong somewhere or to something and when that need is not met, they feel detached and alone.

Press, similar to stress. It is as if the building of the press is similar to the pressure of a volcano ready to explode. It can lead to further perturbation and make things worse.

Perturbation, the need to feel or do something to ease the pressure and anguish and despair they are feeling and to feel better. It can lead to want to do something but the idea is that you need to do something to relieve the pressure of the feelings on your chest.

Fearlessness, the absence of fear. In this regard, it means that people may be fearless when trying to take their life, like a type of Russian roulette.

Competence, the meaning is the level of competence to carry out the means for their suicidal plan. Examples include rope for hanging, gun handling and shooting, knowledge of drugs, etc. High competency is a high risk factor.

All these elements can lead to a suicidal crisis. It is imperative that these elements be asked about on a consistent basis. Talking about the pressures of work or home life is important. If someone is saying they are a burden and wish they were dead is a huge tip off that something is going on and the elements I have just described are in full play. All of the elements depending on their degree, is an important indicator of how suicidal a person is. Merely asking about being suicidal is NOT enough as most suicidal individuals fear hospitalization or a thwarting of their plans and therefore will not be honest about their intention to commit suicide.

copyrighted 2013, Collerone, G

Ramblings 34

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Ramblings 34

I have been thinking about what to write about all day and nothing has come to me. I needed a break from working on my book so I left that out today. I had my coffee and went out finally. It was to the bank and Walgreens. I really didn’t need anything at Walgreens but I wanted something so I got some juice and a soda. Boring I know. I felt like getting some chips but my middle doesn’t need them.

I went over some of my posts that I wrote as papers and placed copyright in the last line so no one can scoop it like they did my comparison paper. That was the first paper I put copyright. I don’t know if it makes a difference in the internet world as people can still cut and past text.

My therapist changed times on me today for some reason. Instead of meeting at 13:30 I am now meeting her at 1800. I am sure I will find out why she had to change later as she gave me a free “get of out jail card”, which means I can cancel an appointment less than 24 hrs and not get penalized for it. But knowing her, there has to be a sufficient reason for me cancelling.

There is another snow storm coming in my area tonight. It is supposed to start after 2300. My leg is already giving me hints as to how bad it is going to be. But at least my back isn’t hurting me, yet.

I have been feeling ok today. I hope that doesn’t change after I talk with my therapist tonight. Sometimes she can stir some stuff up. This week I have three appointments with her, plus group therapy on Wednesday. OH JOY. Seems my life right now focuses on my therapy rather than anything else. I guess that is a good thing as I can work on things that I couldn’t before because they were too loaded. I am working on the transgender stuff but it’s tough. It activates my suicidality and sends me into a tailspin. And once I am there it is hard to get out of there. Like this weekend when I felt like a worthless burden on people and that I would be better off dead. I don’t always feel this way but when I do, all I want to do is die. And I plan my death because it is the only thing that helps me cope with my feelings. I know it sounds crazy, but thinking of death and planning has been shown to ease the anxiety in suicidality. It’s more of a fantasy that you think in your head and it somehow calms you down. No one knows why this happens but for me it has worked and I find that I am less apt to actually go through with it because my perturbation has been decreased.

depression and mobility

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide

This morning started out ok until my grumpy sister started yelling at everything. I ducked out of there before things started flying. Hehehe

I know I should be writing in my “book” but I think I will take a break today. I spent almost four hours on it yesterday and it is now up to eighteen pages. I figure I will add to it a little bit every day but it stirs up emotions and I think that is why I am frustrated right now. It is difficult writing about your struggles with suicide without feeling it when you are still struggling with it. Last night I was in bad shape. I started thinking that I would be better off dead and just wanted to die. I just don’t think I have a purpose and feel like I am just a burden on my family because I am no longer working. I am collecting a social security check and it bothers me that this how my life is right now. I can barely deal with any stress anymore without getting psychotic. I can barely walk around the block without pain. The depression is so crippling me that some days I don’t leave the house. It’s very isolating. I try to go out and even just riding the buses takes so much energy.

Today I just realized I have not left the house since Thursday. I might go out today and go to the store just to take a walk. Maybe I will just buy something that will make me feel better. A little retail therapy never hurt anyone before. Or maybe I will take the bus to Clarendon Hill and head towards Arlington. I have not ridden the buses in a long time. As long as I have my music, I should be ok.

As I’m writing this, I am listening to Linkin Park. I love this group. It always is the right music to listen to when I am in an irritable, frustrated mood. That is the type of mood I am in right now. I am also worried about my foot. I had put a sock on my foot last night because it got wicked cold and this morning the sock was still on, which is unusual as I don’t usually keep the socks on while sleeping. My foot is still some what cold as I can feel it through the sock but the sock is also irritating me. I know that if I take it off I risk angering my foot and it retaliating by causing me pain. Nerve damage sucks. I really hate this type of pain than any other because there is nothing I can do about it. The other night I had zingers, electric type of shock pains in my big toe. It was so annoying. I couldn’t sleep because as soon as I started to relax, the zingers would start, jolting my foot and waking me up. Why do I have this nerve damage? Because of something called Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES). A disc crushed my nerves in my back and left me with nerve damage in my left leg, foot, ankle, and bowels/bladder. But the damage is better than it once was. It take a long time to recover. I have had my last surgery almost seven years ago. This was the second time that I got CES. The first time was the real damage with the drop foot that I still have and also foot weakness. Because of this weakness, I get fatigued in my foot very easily and this causes me to walk improperly. Walking improperly results in the pain that I have been experiencing. And it is different every time it flairs up. I can have a barbed wire type of feeling, a pounding in my foot like someone is using a hammer to crush my toes, to feeling like my toes are in a vise.

This pain also contributes to the depression and not wanting to walk because it brings me pain. But I try to do what I can to get out of the house without too much difficulty. I try not to stand too long while waiting for the bus. I also always try and get a seat whenever possible rather than standing because the pressure and worry of the bus stopping short is always there. When I take the train, I do the same thing.

I didn’t go out again today. I decided to cook and watch the baseball game. I made a spicy tomato sauce, which I didn’t intend to make. While I was pouring a little bit of crushed red pepper, the top came off and I dumped half the container in the pot. I now have a spicy sauce. If I had some beans I could make a chili out of it.

And the closing pitcher for the Sox decides to blow the no hitter. FUCK! I so wanted this no hitter, even though it is still Spring training. Today was media day and the last media speaker SUCKS. Remdawg and Don are not even reporting the game, just letting this soft-spoken speaker speak while the game is playing. I am falling asleep.