Tag: writing

ramblings 33

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Been thinking back on the past to write my book. I don’t know if it is a good thing or bad thing that I can’t remember the last few years at all. I remember some stuff but I don’t remember what classes I was taking at the time all this stuff was happening. What was going on at work. How I truly felt about things. My therapist has my journals at that time frame I am writing about now but there is no way I can go out and get them. I suppose I could go out Tuesday if I wake up early enough. It would be good to take the long drive. I miss being on the road but I just can’t afford a vehicle right now.

Today has been productive as I wrote a few pages about my past. It was difficult because as I said I don’t remember what I was feeling and I was trying to capture it again. I tried my best to write what I do remember and how quirky my therapist was.

I’m bored because the baseball game is not on until tonight. I was hoping for a 1 pm game. Just something to pass the time but all I can do is play my games. I could try cleaning my room but it is too overwhelming for me. Yesterday I slept all day. I had coffee today so I am pretty wired. I guess I could rearrange my bookcase and see where that gets me. I want to go out but it’s cold out. And I just don’t feel like getting dressed. Plus my stomach isn’t feeling too good so to avoid an accident, I think I will stay home.

I want to try and avoid a nap. That was my downfall yesterday. I should have gotten up and had coffee. Maybe then I wouldn’t have felt so tired. I really did need the rest though because of Wed and Thursday being days I really had to go into town. I had appointments both those days. My eye exam Thursday took forever. I swear I had the slowest intern in the world. I have to have visual therapy but I don’t think I can afford it. My insurance doesn’t cover it. It barely covered my eye exam. I had a $40 co-pay so that meant this place was out of network. Sucks. I can’t say that I liked the doctor or not. I barely saw him for more than a few minutes. If I can manage a few sessions with him for the visual therapy I think that I can manage that. But we will see…

Wednesday I had group therapy. It went well, I guess. I still felt really suicidal afterwards which I still have no idea why I do. But I managed to handle it without calling my therapist. I don’t know if it is because of the transgender that I feel suicidal or the fact that I am still being referred to as a female that is bothering me but I talked a little about where I am at with the transgender. I had little feedback but I was respected. I had a member tell me about breast binding and did a Google search. Those things are not cheap!! I don’t know if I can afford things anymore as my benefits are getting slashed. I don’t know what I am going to do. Even going to group next week is going to be tough because I am running out of cash for co-pays. I can probably get the money from my sister as I paid for dinner last night.

Now that the group knows I am transgender, I wonder if I can move forward and get the services for me, like getting the hormones but I have heard other transgendered folk having trouble because of their psychiatric illness. I hope that they don’t take my psych history into account but seeing as I am suicidal nearly every day, I don’t know how they can deny me. 85% of the reason why I am suicidal is because I am not a male.

I know I should probably take a shower but I don’t feel like it. I just don’t really feel like doing anything. I just want to be on the computer and maybe go out later for my walk around the block but that is questionable as it is supposed to snow. And it is bitter cold out. I hate walking in cold weather because it gives me bad back spasms.

tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, writing

Tired

I took about three naps today. I just couldn’t get my motor running. I just wanted to stay in bed all day and that is basically what I did. I needed the rest from the past two days of running around.

I have been off my diet for the past few days. I really have been bad. But I don’t care anymore. I can’t see starving myself as a solution and I can’t see how cutting back on the food I love is helping because they are the only food that I eat.

I have not written in my book all week. I have stopped at where my therapist cries and I am not sure how to continue from there. I am still thinking about it. I was hoping to work on it today but I have been so exhausted. I picked up my niece and needed another nap. I didn’t have coffee today so maybe that is it. I hope that I can work on my book tomorrow or I will just get behind.

why do I bother

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, suicide attempt

Why do I bother

Things seemed to go ok today but now I am feeling the rut of my depression and want to end things. Nothing specific has happened, I just don’t want to exist. I feel worthless and that what I am doing is nothing but wasting people’s time.

I have a messed up right eye. The muscles are weak and I have to do therapy to correct it but my insurance doesn’t cover therapy so I have to pay out of pocket. I am already on a budget and I am not sure I can swing this extra money for this therapy. It has me stressed out because without this, my eyes won’t be corrected and it will be hard for me to read continuously. I would have to take breaks like every ten minutes and who can read something every ten minutes. It has me feeling frustrated that yet my body is failing me and it has nothing to do with age.

Feeling suicidal and acting on it are two different things. But right now I would act if I had a plan to go to. I just don’t want to exist anymore.

detours

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Detours

I felt like all I did today was run around and do nothing. I was supposed to have a meeting with my pdoc today but she canceled on me. Her secretary said she would get back to me but I am still waiting. Luckily I was still at Starbucks drinking my coffee. I had more than two hours to kill for my next appointment, group therapy so decided to ride the bus to Lechmere, take the train to the end of the line, then take a bus back to Copley where I would be on my way to the group. I got back to Boston just in time for group.

On the way home I stopped and got a jacket as I was freezing. Because today was supposed to be near 50 degrees I foolishly just wore my sweatshirt. The windchill never made it past 45 degrees so I was cold!! I had something to eat because I was getting cranky so had McDonalds. Best cheeseburgers. I think anyways!! I started reading the “why people die by suicide” while waiting for the train back home. I got to the Orange line only to get diverted because something was happening. UGH so back on the green line I go to the Red line so I can go home. The bus just got there as I was exiting the station. Which was good but it wasn’t the normal driver. It was a whacked out driver that missed at least three accidents. I got into a panic by the time he reached my stop. I held on for dear life as he came to the stop because I didn’t know if I was going to go flying or not. I HATE Bus drivers like that!!! I thought about going to Walgreens to drop off my prescription but then I remembered I didn’t have my appointment this morning. UGH so now I am almost out of one of my meds. I hope my doc calls it in today or tomorrow. I’ll be bugging her until she does or at least emails me back.

I’m debating eating dinner. My mother made chicken cutlets but I am not really in the mood for it. Plus I had lunch kind of late so I am not that hungry. Maybe I will eat later.