Tag: writing

notebook from the past

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I am wretched and know not why. I am healthy yet I am ill. There is no diagnostic test to tell where the pain is from yet I want to die from it. I fear that it will kill me. A hundred years ago I’d be locked away in an asylum. This day and age I’m forced to be a functional person with no symptoms of a psychic malady.

Pain that is so bad that nothing can relieve it. Almost as if a pericardial centesis is the only way to drain the pain out but as there is no effusion it will be dry.

This is something that I wrote twelve years ago. I can remember what that pain felt like and wanting to die. It was terrible thing to live through. I talk about the effusion because my heart was aching so much it killed me and I couldn’t breathe.
Quote from Noonday Demon: “if everyone has the capacity for some measure of depression under some circumstances everyone also has the capacity to fight depression to some degree under some circumstances. Often the fight takes the form of seeking out the treatments that will be most effective in battle. It involves making the most of the life you have between your most severe episodes. Some horrendously symptom ridden people are able to achieve real success in life; and some people are utterly destroyed by the mildest forms of the illness”—Andrew Solomon
Merchant of Venice: It wearies me, you say it wearies you but how I caught it. Found it, or came by it, what stuff tis made of, whereof it is born, I am to learn. And such a want-wit sadness makes of me that I have much ado to know myself—Shakespeare

I found these quotes in a journal from 2001. It’s an old notebook of my excerpts from books and other things. I had carried it around with me all this time. Today I was going to write excerpts from Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison but I was too tired after I had my lunch. The notebook is worn thin by use. It is probably the only notebook that I still refer to every day. I have my favorite Edgar Allen Poe letter that I copy into every journal that I own. The “I am wretched and know not why” is from there. If you ever read touched with fire, you will understand what it is like living with bipolar disorder and depression and how it relates to creativity. It really is a great book.

Today I am sidelined with pain in my ankle and a migraine that started out this morning. I have been trying to take a nap for the past few hours but I have this restlessness to do something, to write that I can’t quite quell. I chock it up to having coffee today at an early hour. I have been up since about 9 which is my normal time for waking up but I still wanted to sleep more. If you count daylight savings it really was 8 that I woke up at. I have this energy but I don’t know what to do so I went out and now my ankle is thanking me kindly in return by hurting me. I had groceries delivered today, some stuff I forgot from my previous order. I got my steaks that I have been dreaming about for weeks but never bought. I usually don’t crave meat but I haven’t had any other than chicken and fish in quite some time, possibly as far back as the summer!

So to say that I am a little tired is on the money. I also had therapy today that made me think about what I am doing or going to do with my writing for the next few days. I also talked about my writing with my co-conspirator. We have decided to write five days a week so we can have two days off. I am not sure I can do that with my blog as I like writing on it every day but I can take off a day here and there. My next writing assignment that I am contemplating has to do with CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. I have been meaning to write about it for some time but have backed off due to the embarrassing nature of the content. I still haven’t written much beyond the title of the article. Maybe tomorrow I can write more.

clutter

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychache, suicide

Feeling down today. I wrote a little more on my history with suicidality for my book. I can’t believe all that I have gone through with my therapist and she is still with me. Most therapists would have left me after they got married, after they decided to consolidate their practice, have a baby, and move out of the city. Nope not this bozo. She has had me move with her. I have been with her almost her entire professional career. She has seen my moods on a good day, bad day, grumpy day, and sad day.

I keep asking her why she stays with me, her automatic response is always “you”. And now that she heard Sugarland’s “stuck like glue” she uses that against me. I just hope she never sees the video because I don’t want her to get ideas.

I was watching baseball today and my mother asked if I cleaned my room. I have a huge bucket outside my room that I thought would fit in my room but it is too big. So I have it outside so I can store my things as my room just can’t fit it. She says that if I clean my room I can place it there. Probably but I don’t know where. I am not the best organizer on the planet. I am when it comes to other things, like my journals and books, but not to my clothes and stuff. Plus I have no place to really put the my clothes as I only have one bureau and a half closet. I don’t tend to buy clothes regularly. I tend to wear what I have until they no longer fit or are worn too thin. Seeing as I have gained weight, most of my clothes no longer fit so I needed more clothes, mostly jeans as that is all I wear.

I have a wedding coming up so I guess I will have to buy some khaki pants and a dress shirt as the ones that I have no longer fit me. I did wear a new suit pants last August and they probably would fit but I didn’t like the way they felt on me.

I know I have plenty of time to clean my room but all I can do is make another pile of the stuff that I have. And it’s not like I can ask my sisters for help. They either are too busy or want to be PAID to help me. I kid you not. Ever since the one time I had hire someone to clean the bathroom for me and pick up stuff around the TV area at the old house, I am expected to pay someone to help me move my stuff or clean my stuff. Maybe I should hire someone to help but I don’t necessarily have the funds to do it right now. And I wouldn’t know who to hire. The person I hired before didn’t do such a great job so it’s not like I am going to go back to the same company, what ever that was. I am not lazy. I just am too overwhelmed by the mess to actually do something about it. It sucks the energy right out of me. Most I can do is put some of the stuff in my drawers that are overflowing. Or maybe get rid of the clothes in the drawers that I haven’t worn or forgot about but then I realize I like them and don’t want to get rid of them. I have a clutter problem and always have. I am NOT a hoarder. I tend to throw my trash and recycles out rather than save them for sentimental value. I do have some standards. But my family doesn’t see my things as I do. They just see them as junk to throw away. Sorry but I don’t think of my medical records or my MRIs as junk. Those are important documents that must be saved. Yes they are part of the “clutter” but that doesn’t mean they belong in the trash either.

just the back

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, suicide

I had another easy day today. I didn’t go out despite the temperature being higher than it has the past few days. I did get some work done with my book. But now I feel downhearted. I remember what it was like getting diagnosed with my condition and not knowing if I was going to walk again. I took therapy into my own hands and relearned to walk again on my own with a little bit of help from this therapist and that. It wasn’t until my second diagnosis that I really decided I was going to be the ones making the call to walk again. I have learned to walk three time in my life and hopefully the third time was the last time.

I’m also downhearted because I keep thinking of my ex and what she is up to. But I know it would be too painful for both of us to open a line of communication again. I also been thinking of my other ex as I just wrote about her in my book. I’m not sure if that part is going to stay in it or not but for now it’s there.

I know I should not be so hard on myself for things that happened that weren’t my fault but I do still blame myself for things. I should have stopped seeing the chiropractor when I started to feel better. I should have stopped seeing my ex the minute she didn’t want to be around me because I was loud (second ex). And I should have killed myself in 2005 so I wouldn’t have had to face the last few years of being in horrific pain. Nobody understands what it is like to be in chronic physical pain unless they have gone through it themselves. And no one can tell me that the pain can’t be that bad to want to kill myself because I don’t have cancer. I wish it was cancer because then I know it would be terminal and there would be an end to the pain.

It’s like with the back pain. Everyone asks me how’s the back since I have had surgery. They don’t ask about my leg, foot, ankle, bowels, bladder. Just the back. As if that one thing determines everything else in your life. I know the reason for my foot, ankle, bowels, and bladder problems have to do with my back but the fact is that they don’t think the two are connected. And that hurts. It’s like my leg doesn’t matter only my back. I didn’t get operated on my leg. Just the back.

ramblings 32

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Today was a much needed day off. I slept till almost 15:00 (3pm) and then had my coffee. My sister was home because my niece was sick so I got to spend some time with them. It was still snowing, which I thought was going to turn to rain. We had a high snow drift on our back porch. Snow is incredible but I heard driving in it was no fun. My friend in RI had a long 4 hr commute to Boston. That would drive me insane. I would turn back and call in. But then she is a supervisor so she needed to be there. She does work for a hospital so I understand her need to be there to make sure things get done or to make the decision to let people go home, which would be hard to do if you are not there. Been there many times when I was at work. I used to work for a 24/7 lab in the hospital so being there is vital. Someone always has to be there no matter what the conditions were outside. I remember being there for 9/11. We had to wait for possible survivors to be brought in from New York so we couldn’t leave. It was a terrible shift just sitting around waiting when there were no outpatients to do. All we could do was watch the clip of the planes hitting the towers over and over on the internet. It was a very solemn day.

I know I am doing my writing a little later than usual. But then I have only been up for a couple hours. I haven’t done much. I still have not put my regular comforter on my bed. I just have my Red Sox fleece throw and my old comforter to keep me warm in my cold room. I don’t like the set of sheets I have on. I can’t seem to move when I where my fleece pajamas. I tend to get stuck and I don’t like it very much. I should have put the fleece sheets on the bed but they tend to make me really hot and I can’t sleep really with a blanket or comforter. I just get too warm and wake up. I hope that I sleep tonight. I again woke up at three this morning. Luckily I was only up for a short period and was able to get back to sleep. But then I woke up at fucking 0830 because some knucklehead called me. I was in a light sleep and the vibration of my phone woke me up. I was pissed. So I got up and had some breakfast as I was starving and then went back to bed until I woke up at 1500. I have not eaten that much in the past few days. I haven’t been that hungry. I have lost two pounds and I hope they stay off.