Tag: writing

out of the hospital

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychosis

I got discharged today. I am happy to be home but am kind of scared too. I think I will be ok once I settle back into my routine.

I haven’t typed up my experience but that will be a duty for tomorrow. I have been up since 0530 and am pretty tired. There is a Sox game on tonight and hopefully I can watch it in the quietness of my house and not fall asleep. Last night at the hospital, things got really rowdy. We had new admits and they were a young crowd. One was clearly manic and was boisterous and didn’t care. I couldn’t be around all that noise. It activated the voices and when I told my treatment team today, I was afraid I wasn’t going to get discharged but they let me out anyways.

I have therapy tonight and I see my pdoc tomorrow. I cannot wait to get a Starbucks coffee. It is a shame that I failed to use my rewards so I lost a free drink by a day. I feel so bad because I really wanted to use it. But I can use another one for tomorrow. I can get my donut for free!

A strange thing happened with my phone. I had to turn if off because it was frozen and when I turned it back on, it acted like it was new and went through the activation process. Then today I tried using it and it wouldn’t allow me to call or text any one. I had to call customer service but because I was in the hospital, they could only do so much. Luckily they sent updates to my phone and it is working good now. It bugs me because this is the second time something like this has happened. I am afraid that the next time, it might not fix itself. I am due for an upgrade but there are no phones that I really want (or can afford) right now, except for possibly the Galaxy IIIs. My brother in law has it and I think it is a cool phone but I am really wanting the wristband device that comes with it. Now that is totally STAR TREK!

I was telling some of the patients and staff in the hospital about my book and most wanted it. I gave them the title but it’s not like they can look it up anytime soon. I don’t have it published yet. I probably will sometime next month. I am going to try and get it done by Thanksgiving. We’ll see how the editing goes. I am not ready to start that yet so it might be next week before I am ready.

still inpatient

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, psychosis

I got a scare this morning when the day shift staff kept on telling me i was gong to get discharged. After the bad weekend I had, I didn’t feel comfortable being let go today. I think it was just too soon. When I talked with my team, they agreed and I will be here another few days. I feel a little bit safer knowing that I am not being let go against my will.

My voice that I always talk to has come back. She was missing a little bit in action last night. I felt so lost without her. I have heard this voice for so long she is part of my thought process. I am not able to read or write without it.

I am feeling a little less paranoid now than I have in the few days. The perphenazine (trilafon) is working for me but it is knocking out all my voices. I hate that because it disrupts my thinking process and makes me more paranoid. I am hoping not to stay on a long term of this medication, I think once I get used to it, it might lessen things up.

I got my first suicidal impulses last night. I thought they were gone for a while because it has been almost three weeks since I have thoughts of killing myself, well active thoughts, not just passive thoughts. I really feel like I can live and have things go on the way they have been going and I am ok with it. I guess MLG’s letting it go has really helped me to let things go. I find that i am worrying less about things and she is not in the least mad at me that I am not writing about the project. She just wants me to get well. She sent me a nice email last night about how she thinks this could be a grief reaction to something regarding my transgender identity. She could be right but I am going through so much grief in other areas of my life that it is really hard to point to just one thing that has caused this psychotic break that I am experiencing.

Just for fun, I did four minutes on the exercise bike just to do something. I thought I was ok but my ankle is now hurting me more than anything. I am walking around with my AFO (Ankle foot orthotic) on the unit just to give me extra support and to ease the pain as they are not giving my pain meds like I take them at home.

I just talked with my therapist and it was so good to hear her voice. I told her all my voices have been wiped out and am finding it hard to think. She felt relieved but is a little worried that I might not be functional.

Group is starting soon so I will stop here for now. If I am able to post later I will.

paranoia troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

today has not been a good day. I have been trying to isolate myself from the unit because the voices are really bad today. They are saying anything from the staff is poisoning to me to wanting to cut my arm off with the blood pressure cuff. And of course they are telling me to kill myself. I don’t think the meds are helping and I am running out of hope that things will get better.

I made a friend while here and she is interested in reading my book when it comes out. I will give her all my contact information when I get out of here. She is a real sweetheart. I hope she gets help too.

I don’t know why today is bad. I feel like I am not doing my routine and I am getting out of things. But I had a friend of mine bring in a mocha today so I was happy for a little while. I so needed a mocha fix. Dinner time is almost here but I quickly wanted to write a blog post about how things are going. I haven’t been writing today. I just can’t seem to find the words I want to use to write because the meds have me all messed up. I know this might seem silly but I miss my one voice I always talk to. The meds have made her go away and I hope that she comes back soon. She was a “nice” voice.

I talked about Mr. Hyde today and that sort of got me revved up. I don’t know why. I guess with the voices telling me to kill myself it stirred the pot a little bit.

still paranoid

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, psychosis

Past few days I have been dealing with extreme paranoia. Today I wanted to baracade myself in my room because I just didn’t want to deal with anyone. I just felt like everyone is going to kill me or harm me in some way. The weekend doctor on call (DOC) increased one of my medicines and now I am feeling wonky. I just woke up from a nap just before dinner and I am afraid that if I take another nap, I won’t sleep through the night.

I have a male nurse tonight for a contact person. I don’t know if that is good or bad. He didn’t really check in with me last night. I wasn’t expecting him to. I might talk to him later if I need to.

My Pats are winning so that is good. My Sox lost last night and I couldn’t watch the game after the starting pitcher on my team walked a good hitter. I was really frustrated that no bats were flying. Same might happen tonight as Detroit has another good pitcher on the mound tonight. I don’t think I will be staying up late to watch the game. I am too paranoid and keep looking over my shoulder. It is not good to be around other people today. I have my blue tooth headset playing my music and that is calming me down. I hope this paranoia goes away, and soon. It is an awful feeling.

The weird part of all of this is that my ankle pain has been minimal. I am hardly in any pain. Very weird…