Tag: writing

paranoid

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis

woke up this morning feeling paranoid. I don’t know why. I am still in the hospital but not meds seem to be helping at all.

I have been writing, on paper, a longer blog on my thoughts but seeing as the computer was available to me today, I thought I would post. I got a comment today about one of my popular posts that I am “boring”. Sorry, but this is what my life is like. I don’t have an extravagant lifestyle. I struggle with mental illness constantly and if that is boring to you, well then got off my site. Sorry if that seems a little harsh, and I know my writing hasn’t been consistent the last few weeks but I just can’t handle negative comments right now. I just feel out of place enough as it is.

I have been sketching, something I hardly ever do, of the deathly hallows of the Harry Potter series. I have been drawing the mark of the brothers, the elder wand, sorcerer’s stone, and invisibility cloak. I find that it helps to calm me down when I am in an agitated state because it takes some time to draw. I drew several the other night, making them bigger each time but my spatial abilities aren’t that great so it didn’t come out perfect. when I get home I will include the pic in the post. I should have taken a Harry Potter book with me as it probably would be better than Noonday Demon. That book is striking chords with me about my depression and it’s kind of unnerving.

I don’t think I will have any visitors this weekend. It is a long weekend because of Columbus Day. It is celebrated in my state as a state holiday. I don’t know if my therapist will be in the office or not, but i hope she answers my text about possibly meeting on Thursday. I should hopefully be out of the hospital on Wednesday. Least I am hoping to be. If not, I don’t know what I am going to do. I need to be out by Friday because I want to meet with my pdoc. It will take a long while to get another appointment with her if I miss this one.

Right now things have been tough because the voices are telling me that no one believes me and that I should just go out of the hospital to self harm because they will believe me then. I keep fighting the urge while i am in the hospital. You would think that it should be easy as you don’t have access to your stuff but because you don’t, every thing becomes something sharp to hurt yourself. I am trying not to think about it too much but the voices are really nagging me. Meds don’t seem to be helping. I just feel like i have to deal with my stuff alone as the staff doesn’t know what to do with me and my agitation. They keep trying to tell me to using “grounding” techniques, which is good if I am having flashbacks but not when I am psychotic!!! I just feel like no one gets me or understands on this unit. It’s turning out to be a bad experience. I rather be on the other more restrictive unit, even though I won’t have internet access. Least then it is cut and dry. I just am not clicking with anyone on the unit, staff included. I just have to distance myself because I don’t want to get close. I really am struggling and when you have an internal battle going on, it is difficult to get help and click with someone. Plus, being paranoid prevents human connection. I am extremely suspicious of others. I just don’t trust anyone, not even my doctors. I have been having trouble eating while i am here. Nothing tastes good. I don’t have an appetite. I just have been eating little stuff, mostly stuff that I know haven’t been tampered with, like bowls of cereal or graham crackers. Dealing with this level of psychosis for this length of time is really exhausting. I thought of killing myself when I got out of here just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I just hate feeling like this.

My sisters texted me last night that one of my cousins is trying to get in touch with me. She wants to get together for lunch. This cousin is my Godfather’s wife. I haven’t seen her since earlier this year after his remembrance Mass. He died two years ago unexpectedly. I really like her and we get along great it is just that I don’t have a car and she lives south, way south of me. I have to take the commuter rail, which I don’t mind but it’s sort of expensive and I am short on funds right now. His birthday is next month. I miss him terribly. He was a good guy.

ankle chronicles 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis, suicide

Woke up this morning and I am still in fricken pain. It’s so bad that I really can’t move my ankle/foot. It’s the same type of pain I felt yesterday morning that lasted all day and into the night. I slept for about six hours before it woke me up again. I just had breakfast so I am hoping I can get back to sleep. Looks like I won’t be going out today, and if I do it will be comfort food like donuts. I had a good donut at Starbucks yesterday, a raspberry/blueberry one. It was very good. I like their new line of pastries, though it is kind of expensive.

All of this psychosis that I have been having is making me think that life is not worth living. I keep thinking of the studies that show that people that are psychotic are more likely to die by suicide than non-psychotic individuals. Great. Why can’t I go through with what the voices are telling me to do? I am scared though, scared that I might start cutting again because that is what the voices want. I haven’t told anyone outside this blog how things are. My sister wants me to babysit my niece tonight. The only good thing about that is I will have a huge screen TV to watch the game. The little one will be asleep so I don’t have to worry about entertaining her. I have been meaning to tell one of my sisters I am doing poorly but I just can’t seem to bring myself to. It’s not easy telling others that you are psychotic. I told my psychiatrist I was crazy and of course she tells me I am not. OK, like normal people hear voices all the time. And without the stupid “normal” voices, I can’t read like I used to. I need the narrator voice to concentrate while I read. It’s the only way that I can retain the information.

But I am in the middle of a pain flare up. There is no way I am seeking out psychiatric care other than my therapist and psychiatrist. I know that I will be in put in the hospital and I probably won’t have access to my pain meds. That will NOT be good at all. I am so tired of being in pain all the time. I didn’t do anything to my fricken ankle so I am not sure why it’s so angry with me. It hurts all around the bone on the outside of my ankle. It’s like something is crushing the bone, or trying to. It is maddening and despite not trying to think about it, it doesn’t work. The pain is just too intense. I am really hurting and wondering why this is happening to me now. I know that is one of the things that I will be asked when I am in the damn hospital. “What set things off”? I don’t fricken know. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself to complete the book. Maybe it is because I had a dissociative episode and now I am paying the price by hearing voices. I just want it to end, to have the voices stop. I am not hearing them now because I am too tired to listen to them. And somehow when I am in great physical pain, it’s like my psychiatric symptoms are on hold except for the depression. The depression is always there no matter what. And I still feel like I am carrying around black clouds. The thing is, that while you are in the hospital, your medical care goes out the window. They really don’t care about your physical complaints, unless you are having a heart attack or something, then they care.

I am just worried sick about where I will end up and if it will be close to public transportation or not so I can get home without bothering my sister. But if I end up in a faraway hospital, I will need a ride home. I know I shouldn’t be stressing about where I will be placed but it just helps me to know. But none of that matters right now because I am in a pain flare up and until my pain levels are under control, I am not going anywhere.

I had planned on watching college football today and the Sox game but I just don’t feel like it. The Nebraska game will be on at noon today, Sox game is I think at 6, and OSU is at 8. But I just took my pain meds and soon will be seeing Morpheus. You would think that I would be used to taking two pain pills that it wouldn’t affect me now but it still does. Funny how it only seems to affect me during the day and at night, not so much, unless I take an Ativan.

I am mostly packed for my stay. I just need to put in my hormone pills. I hope this works and I don’t get my menses this month. I will really be upset if I get it. Being in a locked psych unit is one thing, but having your menses on the unit is quite another. I am bringing my stuff with me just in case I do have bleeding. I just hope I don’t have to use it.

Damn this ankle pain is so fricken bad. I should probably ice it but I am starting to feel the effects of the pain meds so I know I will be knocked out soon. I don’t want to keep the ice on my foot longer than twenty minutes because that isn’t good. I once fell asleep with the ice wrap on. My foot didn’t like it and was grateful when I woke up and took it off.

For those that are reading my blog for the first time, I have cauda equina syndrome and complex regional pain syndrome that is causing my pain in my ankle. I also have chronic tendonitis in this ankle that no one knows why and has not been helped with standard treatment (rest, elevation, ice, compression). I have nerve damage in this ankle/foot and it becomes fatigued very quickly as I have weakness also.

overwhelmed

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Overwhelmed

I got up really early today for some reason. I had energy and I wanted some breakfast burritos from McDonalds. So I took a shower and got dressed in time to take the bus to the Square. I figured I would do some editing while I was there, drinking my coffee. It wasn’t the plan today but, oh well. If I don’t chip at it a little bit at a time it is never going to get done. I reached page 27 and had to stop. My thoughts were all over the place and so was the book. I swear it sucks. I just have all this writing and though it does make sense, I am not sure where a chapter should go, where the *** separating thoughts in the paragraph should go, none of it. I am so overwhelmed. Then I thought, well, I will go through it and see how many chapter I did actually line out (I usually did this by just saying new chapter but no name). I got to page, I don’t 40 maybe and had over 15 chapters. I don’t mind this being a long book but I was also skimming while I was turning the pages. I had a blog post that I need to take out because it has NOTHING to do with anything that is before or after it. Then I decided that blog posts would be chapter numbers too. I feel like setting a time line of mid-October is not too realistic. This editing is going to take more time than I thought. I am very overwhelmed by the process and am starting to think that this sucks, no one is going to read it, that it will just be a flop anyways so why bother. So I had to stop. I didn’t number the chapters because I am not sure where they are now, they are going to stay that way.

All the while, even though I had headphones playing different music in my head, Pearl Jam’s new song Sirens was going through my head. I can’t stop this song from playing in my head and I think it is starting to be a little of my psychosis creeping up. I am feeling stressed and when I am feel stress, instead of having anxiety, I get psychotic. The whole dissociation thing has me in a special kind of panic because I feel like I have to account for every minute so I know I am grounded or something. I just feel like I am losing it and the more I feel lost, the more I think I should be in the hospital. Trouble is that now, would not be a good time. I need to have the freedom of my cell phone in case Dell calls me about my laptop and when they send it back to me. I also need to stay on top of my emails or they will just spiral out of control. And I need to blog because I need this outlet more than anything. Writing on paper is helpful but it is a pain in the ass to type up after the fact. I just wish this song would stop playing in my head. I read the lyrics and I swear the song is telling me things. But yet, I can’t stop listening to it. I don’t know what to do. I feel that if I go to the psych ER the chances of me getting hospitalized is 85%. And getting hospitalized on the weekend sucks more than getting hospitalized during the week. I really wish there was someone I could talk to during the weekends when I am feeling this way that will calm me down. I would page my pdoc but not sure she will help other than saying to go to the hospital or take an extra PRN. I know talking with her will help me somewhat. But I hate calling her. I don’t even know if I have the right number for her as I haven’t paged her in so long. I usually have been able to do it myself as I was an employee of the hospital. It was always easier because then I could text message her with what I needed her for. Now it is just my name and callback number. No other message. I just need to talk to someone that understands but won’t tell me I need to be in the hospital.

Writers block

by Midnight Demon, posted in writing

http://inspirebymichelle.com/blog/175-the-fallacy-of-writer-s-block

This was written by a friend of mine and I think it might help some people when dealing with writer’s block.