Tag: writing

need for affiliation

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

Been in a terrible mood today. I am glad my therapist doesn’t get all pissy and aggravated with me when I tell her that I am having a bad day and go away. Actually the more I tell her to go away, the more she sticks around and wants more sessions. I am glad today is that last of it and she didn’t volunteer to be seen tomorrow. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Already saw her twice this week and today I barely got by. I just am in a deep rut and though therapy usually helps, it sometimes make things worse when all you want to do is put the covers over your head.

I went out today. I walked a lot too. I know I am probably going to pay for it but I don’t care. I wanted a roast beef sandwich from Kelly’s and seeing as I am carless, I had no choice but to walk. I thought about taking a cab but I didn’t feel like paying $20 or more for the ride.

In therapy we talked about my manuscript. I don’t know when that got to be part of the therapeutic conversation. I just look at the binder I have it in and want to trash it or burn it. It just seems like a daunting task to me to edit this monster of pages. A fellow blogger has offered to read it but I don’t know if I am ready for anybody to read it except me, though I have no intentions to right now. I have to move stuff around and add some stuff. I think I am going to add a few blogs here and there as chapters. I know my Knackered blog is going in as a chapter. I did a stat summary and it is my most popular blog, with over 700 views alone. I also think that I am going to have the blog post the other night as a chapter, though I think I will delete the part of killing myself. I just don’t get how this book is going to be helpful to people when I am just telling them my darkest thoughts. It’s not a hopeful book, other than I wrote it and I am still struggling with these thoughts. I know my blog helps some people, and I wish they would comment or something. Hitting “like” is just not a real good indicator. Do they like the fact that I am telling people I have thoughts of death or do they understand the struggle or are they just sick and get off with me feeling this way? I never know. Some fellow bloggers or strangers do leave good comments but they are far and few in between. It’s not like I am looking for comments on all my work, but a few now and then would help. I guess you can say that I have the need for affiliation.

I am really tired and don’t know if I will be able to watch the game tonight. I asked my sister if I could borrow the car tonight to drop off my baby at FedEx. My shoulders were hurting me today otherwise I would have dragged the package with me as I was near there today. I think I slept wrong but don’t understand why BOTH shoulders are hurting. I know my neck muscles are wicked tight and not matter how much I stretch I can’t get the kinks out. I am rooting for two teams tonight, Indians and of course my Sox. The Indians need a win tonight because then the Snankees will be eliminated from playoff contention. If the Sox win, which I hope they will, they will have home field advantage. Unfortunately, they lost last night so they will not have 100 wins this season. I am kind of upset by this. I was so sure they were going to have the 100 mark. But I will take 98. The last three games are going to be tough because we are playing the Orioles. They are also in the playoff berth. The ALDS is going to be interesting!!

broken inside

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I know I only posted a few hours ago but I am still feeling the need to write. The heaviness in my chest has not lifted and I am finding it hard to breathe. I just feel this tremendous weight on me and I don’t know why. I feel like my heart is going to pieces and I have no reason for it to be. Maybe I am going crazy? I just know that I hurt and I don’t like this hurt. I think I’d rather be in horrendous physical pain than deal with this heartache. Sadly, I already am in physical pain but I seem to be getting good at tuning it out. It only hurts when I try and move my foot so I try very hard to keep it as still as possible. That has what my life has become. Staying as still as possible. And I just feel broken and lost. My niece today really touched a nerve. She was just being honest. I just feel like I should be working at a “real” job, though my therapist tells me this is my “real” job. I can’t understand how my life went so badly in such a short amount of time. Four months is not even a season. Sure you have the middle of winter and the beginning of spring but neither were full seasons when I lost my jobs. granted I quit one at the end of Jan and then I was forced to leave the other the end of April. so technically it was three months of going from two jobs to none. All because of what? That is what is killing me. The doctors still aren’t sure what is causing my pain. They thought at first it was my back but that was ruled out with MRIs. Then they did MRIs of my leg, ankle, and foot. All negative except for some swelling. I say just cut the swelling out and see how I fair. I can’t go on living like this. I just can’t. I don’t think I will see the light of day again. These black clouds keep circling around me, day in and day out. I got to sleep with emptiness so vast it can fill the Grand Canyon. I am not on an antidepressant. None of them work for me. None provide relief. Yet my therapist thinks that I should be on one. I don’t see why. I will just become sick off them and will have to discontinue them after a month or so. My psychiatrist has nothing left in her arsenal to save me. My therapist is all out of ideas to help me. Yet I continue the course, hoping that there will be a light at the endless tunnel. They (my therapist and psychiatrist) see this light but I never do. It is too far away from me. But what they don’t see is my heart that is torn to pieces. I want to end my existence because the pain is too great. Yet these two tell me I can’t. One will be hurt and the other will hospitalize me. Why can’t they see how much I am pained? Maybe if they saw it, maybe if I describe it better, they will see that the only way to fix it is with my death.

quick post

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Today I got my new laptop back. It is all fixed up and I didn’t lose any data. All my settings were the same, except now I get a pop up of some kind of Dell monitor thing that I can’t seem to get rid of but goes away on its own. I won’t mess with it if it doesn’t mess with me.

I am getting close to reaching my 150 page goal by the 20th of this month. My writing friend suggests that I save it in six different places and then don’t touch it for a while before editing it. Then print it after I edit it. But the trouble is that I can’t edit on a computer screen, never have been able to. I need the old paper and red pen technique. So I plan on going to Staples or office depot to print it out for me as I think that will be cheaper than going to FedEx as I don’t have a working printer at home to do it.

I talked with my therapist today about what I was writing about the consultant. I don’t remember much about what we talked about so she was trying to help me remember.

I thought I would be able to write more today but I am just too tired. I took a lot of pain meds yesterday because I was in a great deal of pain and I think I am still hung over from it. Plus I have not had a chance to sleep late and I slept so horribly last night.

chronic pain sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Been in a sour mood all day. I just can’t seem to get motivated to do anything. I wanted to have coffee but there was no more half and half in the house. I woke up in pain so I have been trying to sleep most of the day. I finally fell asleep for about an hour when my niece came home yelling at her sister for something. I was so mad. I did go out to get something to eat and a jelly donut. I was craving one. I know I shouldn’t as I have been eating crap the last few days but I so wanted a donut.

Today was my cousin’s baby shower. I didn’t go. I hate going to those things. I consider it a female thing so I just don’t go.

I really am tired today. I have been trying for the past hour to come up with some writing but nothing is coming to me. Oh and I tweeted Andrew Solomon today and surprisingly, he tweeted back! I was excited!! My twitter handle is noondaydemon75, which is named after his book. I am re-reading his book but can’t really get into reading. My brain is just toast. I had a hard time sleeping last night so decided to read some of the Lincoln book until 3 am. I didn’t sleep more than 6 hours before I woke up in pain again. I am in pain now. I just don’t care anymore. Right now, it just feels like a bad toothache.

I don’t know what to make of my pain. I was reading my old blog site and seems like this started the end of January of 2011. So it has been over two years that I have had this pain, and I feel it almost every single day. Nice (not). As I was reading my blogs, I noticed just how bad the despair was. I also read the fear I was having that this was a back issue and how much I was going to kill myself because of the pain and if I got CES x 3. Not much has changed since those writings. I still am suicidal and I am still in a lot of pain. I have seen over I don’t know how many different doctors/specialists for the problem and it seems, according to my writings, that no one was willing to help me with it. Even now my PCP, though he does give me my pain medication, sends me to other doctors. It is like I just can’t go in for one month and just get my script and walk out without some kind of theory he gets. I don’t care anymore. The pain as far as I am concerned is caused by nerve damage and the diagnosis is according to three doctors is complex regional pain syndrome. I don’t know what that really means but I know it can’t be fixed. And as long as the pain medication takes care of the pain a little bit, I am happy with it. Structurally, there is nothing wrong with my foot/ankle/leg except for some mild swelling, which no one has been able to get down. Even after a year of inactivity, I still get the swelling. I still have a lump on my leg where there is swelling.

And the whole thing depresses me. I can’t go for long walks like I used to. I can’t stand for more than twenty minutes without some kind of pain attack. At night my foot or ankle will start to bother me more than anything and I want to die from the pain. It will start off as small and then it will rear its ugly head all the way through half the night. Sometimes if I take my meds early enough I can go to sleep without it getting bad. Other nights, the anxiety it puts me through is too much and I am up all night, sometimes till 6 am.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day for me. I have to take my father to a medical appointment and then I see my psychiatrist in the afternoon for the medical students interview. I am dreading it because I know that it is going to be a long day and I am not going to sleep very well. I hope that before I drop my sister off at work I can get my coffee as I know I am going to need it. I might even have two in the day. But we’ll see.