Ankle Chronicle Rant and Other things

Ankle Chronicle Rant and other things

For the past several hours, I have been in severe pain because I decided to walk down a ramp instead of level ground. I had no idea it was going to cause me this much pain, but it is. All I want to do is sleep but I am so tense that my neck is hurting me. Being in this much pain, is causing havoc. I seriously want to amputate my ankle. I have thought about this a lot of times. But fortunately, I don’t possess the power tools to get the job done.

I forgot to mention some stuff to my psychiatrist in my appointment today so I emailed her. She is so worried about me getting severe side effects from my anti psychotics that I had to remind her about the more simpler side effects like constipation and urinary retention. I haven’t been on this medication since before my nerve injury so I don’t know how it is likely to play out. So far, I haven’t noticed anything worse, except possibly, starting my flow of urine. I didn’t mention this to my psych because I really do not want to see a urologist.

Anyway, she seemed fine with my description of the matter and what I am doing for the constipation. I didn’t tell her about the starting the flow of urine because I knew that might raise some eyebrows. I am okay with it unless it becomes worse. I hate having a nerve injury that causes these things. The nerve injury is what is causing my foot and ankle to be a dick. I swear that if I didn’t get my second diagnosis of Cauda Equina Syndrome, I would not be disabled today. Or maybe I would be, but it would be because of mental difficulties rather than physical ones.

I am very exhausted from dealing with physical pain all the damn time. It seems the pain syndrome is just getting worse and trying to control it is getting more complicated. I have to time my pain medication accordingly or I am in severe pain. And when my regular pain meds don’t work, I have to take the stronger pain meds. If neither of these meds work, then I know it’s nerve related pain so I have to take Neurontin. It is a true juggling act managing my pain.

I know that my pain flare up today was caused due to me doing to much the last few days and not having a rest day in between. I have been out of the house since Wednesday and have not slowed down some. Yesterday, I walked more than I should have because I didn’t want to wait for the bus for an hour. I walked four blocks home and that caused my ankle to falter. Today I had my doctors appointments and couldn’t cancel them so I walked around the hospital to go to the two appointments that I had before my ankle had enough. It didn’t help that I stood on the train for five stops. I have been taking more chances and in the end, it just causing me more and more pain.

I was supposed to meet up with friends tomorrow but I canceled that engagement after my ankle basically said fuck you to me on the ramp. I really was looking forward to seeing my friends as we don’t get to meet up that often. But I needed to take care of myself and that means ordering pizza tomorrow and watching (hopefully) college football games. Last week the games I wanted to watch were not on in my area. This week, I am hoping at least one game is in my area.

I also need to shower. I wanted to do so tonight but my foot was having no part of standing whatsoever. Even standing to take my meds was a hassle and that was for less than two minutes.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Ankle Chronicle Rant and Other things

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    this sounds intense and like it would be incredibly triggering. that level of pain, is just, awful. I hope you did manage to get a little sleep. xxxx

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