therapy, groceries, and other things

Therapy Groceries and other things

I had therapy today. We talked in depth about my suicidality. She reiterated that she cares for me and I could tell by her voice she wasn’t shitting me. I think she got all choked up when she thought she would have to inform my psychiatrist that I was gone. I would leave it up to the authorities to do that job. I am meeting with her in person tomorrow. I just got paid and after all is said and done, I am broke again.

She did most of the talking because her anxiety was up. We talked about my plan and she did talk me out of it. I told her I would get rid of the pills, but I am not going to. She might take the gun away (the plan) but I am keeping the bullets. Besides, there is no way I can walk to my destination so I need another one. Crisis averted. I feel like an asshole now.

After therapy, I had some of the left over Chinese food that I ordered. And then I left for the Square for Starbucks and a haircut. I was going to grow my hair out but I don’t have the patience. I am going to try and grow out the top a little bit so I can style it better. I am glad I have a good barber that I like and makes me feel comfortable. It’s easy talking to him about things.

I came home and I was exhausted. I didn’t think I would be able to stand putting my groceries away when they came. I don’t know how I managed but I did, but I had to take sitting breaks in between. I also had to take some stuff to the basement freezer as ours was just too crammed with stuff. I knew I would as I did order a lot of frozen items. And I found my sauce while I was down there! I was so happy. I thought my sister had swiped it from me. I will take that out Sunday and have it then or Monday, depending on how much thaws out.

I was going to make my pumpkin cake and a cranberry cake. Now, the way I feel, it is not happening. I bought a Boston coffee cake and I will take that to the party on Saturday. I need to rest because tomorrow I will be seeing my therapist so that needs a lot of spoons and frankly, just getting up uses quite a few and that doesn’t even include washing up and brushing my teeth. Some days it takes all I have to go to the bathroom. I try to do all the downstairs activities while I am there but lately, I just want to crawl back to bed and stay there for an eternity. If I do manage to go out, washing up and brushing my teeth doesn’t happen.

I haven’t had dinner yet. I have a burger that must be cooked or it will be wasted. But I am too tired to cook right now. I hope I have some energy Friday so maybe I can at least make the cranberry cake. I have been dying to make it for a week now. Only thing that I need to do tonight, other than eating, is taking a shower to wash my hair out. If I don’t have energy for the shower, I might use the kitchen sink. It will all depend on how I feel.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to therapy, groceries, and other things

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    i’m so glad you were talked out of your plan to end things. I know that’s probably selfish of me to think like that, but I would really be sad and miss you. your daily blogs and comments on my blog have become something I look forward to. xxx

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