For the Love of Espresso

For the Love of Espresso

Yesterday, I made coffee at home and when I poured the half and half, there was shit on top. I asked my mother if it was fine and she said it was “cream”. Coffee tasted okay and I didn’t die as I am living to tell the story. Today, the curdling was worse and I wasted a cup of coffee. I was pissed because the half and half was a new quart that hadn’t been opened yet and had an expiration of Dec 21. I had a Neurontin hangover and I desperately needed coffee. But it was Sunday and there were no direct buses to the Square. I just missed the bus going near the Square, which pissed me off more. I had to wait an hour for the next one. I decided to sojourn in the opposite direction and take the trek to Station Landing, where there was a Starbucks.

I decided just to bring my book with me because I didn’t want to carry anything heavy as that would make the long walk more strenuous. I was feeling pretty good so it wasn’t much difficulty getting to my happy place. I stayed for an hour after having a sandwich and my much desired drink. I read to the point where Lincoln is elected president, South Carolina secedes from the Union and the Lincoln family enters the White House, along with Hay and Nicholay in tow.

It took me fifteen minutes to get back to the train station and to my stop. Not bad for someone who is disabled. Though by the time I was waiting for the bus home, my ankle was starting to throb and increased by the time I got home. I took a pain pill soon as I got into my room. My sister had invited us for dinner and I was just in time. I was kind of hungry from my travels so the timing was perfect. I had half a glass of wine before I realized I had just taken a pain pill. OOPS. I hope it doesn’t cause drowsiness because I don’t want to fall asleep this early. Last night I fought against the drowsiness and couldn’t sleep until nearly 0300. Anxiety from possible pain kept me awake. It was terrible.

I have my first session of CBT tomorrow. I am really nervous as I am more psychodynamic than a cognitive person. To me, this therapy is rigid and I don’t like rigid but, unfortunately, all the current research has lead to say this form of therapy helps those with chronic health conditions so I am giving it a shot against my better judgement. I hope the therapist is willing to work with me and not against me, with the “I know better” attitude. I will be out the door so fast if this is the case. I also hope that the therapist allows my therapist and I to work while doing this as an adjunctive thing. I have mixed feelings about this therapy and the process. I hope it will be a brief therapy, with kind of a relapse therapy sessions available if needed kind of thing. AND it MUST focus more on my pain issues than my depression as the pain is more debilitating me than the depression right now. I also hope the therapist isn’t going to freak out when she finds out about my suicidality. That is another element I am afraid of, being turned down because I am “too sick” for therapy. I don’t know if this therapist is on the up that CBT can actually help suicidal thinking as well. I really hope I don’t have to be the professor either. She is a resident, not a full fledged therapist so we’ll see. If I have to resort to being a suicidologist to her, I will. I have a full library on the subject so I think I know what the hell I am talking about. I just wish I had the time to read Craig Bryan’s book about CBT in suicidality. Damn depression. Maybe I will take it with me and show it to her so to give her background that this isn’t my first therapist and won’t be my last that I have to “train”.

I had to further aggravate my ankle/foot by going downstairs again because I had to use the bathroom. I don’t know who’s brilliant idea it was to have bedrooms upstairs without at least a half bath. Sure it would make the bedrooms smaller but it would be a life saver!

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s