just don’t have spoons today

Just don’t have the spoons today

I had another aggravating therapy session. My therapist was talking heavily into my pain and I finally had enough after twenty minutes or so. When I said I wanted to talk about something else, she asked why? I told her because this was Psychotherapy not pain therapy. Then she went on about how my pain is influenced by trauma and my anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Well, why weren’t we talking about that then?? So annoys me that she thinks we are talking about one thing and she is talking about another.

Then to make me really lose my patience, she had the audacity to say that I stigmatize myself. I asked her how do I do that. She says because I tell her that I am worthless. I lost it. It’s a goddamn symptom of depression for crying out loud not a stigmatization. I told her we weren’t on the same page today, at all. To make my fucking day, she says that I should see another therapist as a therapist and use this therapy as an adjunctive therapy. WHAT??!!! She still thinks, in her mind, that finding a therapist that is closer to me is the solution to the problem. Yea, her problem.

By the end of session, I was exhausted. I had wanted to go to Starbucks and have my cake but I lost whatever energy I had. I just wanted to sleep. I took another pain pill with my trilafon and read Twitter. I got bored with that so I decided to read “Dark Tide”. I have one chapter left. I will save it for this evening. I didn’t make coffee, but I did have my cake. It was really yummy. The chocolate chips added flavor to it that was incredible. Of course, chocolate makes everything better.

I saw chicken on the counter so I thought my mother would be making it for dinner. She came home from shopping and didn’t want to make it. We had cold cuts instead. Other than the cake and the sandwich, I haven’t eaten anything else all day. I am really hungry but I am trying to control myself. I think I will have some crackers with cheese.

My protein shakes came. I have one in the fridge to have tomorrow to try it out to see if I like it. I hope I do. It doesn’t have a lot of calories like I was hoping, far less than say an Ensure. I talked with my therapist about this diet and she flipped out. Another reason why I lost my patience with her. I can never have a discussion around my eating habits with her. I swear she thinks I am anorexic or something. It really bothers me.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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