a meaningful quote

A meaningful quote

Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, what are you doing for others?
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

A dear friend of mine posted this on her blog and I found some meaning in it. What am I doing for others? Lately, I feel like all I am doing is taking care of my family with their needs and not taking care of my own. I don’t even know if this blog is helpful anymore. I rant more about my chronic pain than about my depression and suicidality. Or I whine about my therapy troubles. I guess I just don’t find meaning in my life anymore.

I texted my therapist today to check her voicemail. I really want to talk to her this week. We have a lot to discuss. I am not sure we can do it all in one session but I am hopeful we can. It’s just important to me that I voice my feelings to her and if she can’t hear me then I guess it really is time to move on. Except, I won’t be seeing someone new because I have an end date. I have decided that if that the Pats win their AFC game, I will extend my date by one week. No reason to spoil my sister’s Superbowl weekend.

Today is the last day of my care for my niece. My sister is returning from Aruba tonight. I just have to put my niece to bed and then I can go up to my room. I am going to try and change my sheets. I meant to do it yesterday but wasn’t in the mood. I had coffee so I won’t be returning to sleep. The Casi Cielo is really strong enough to keep me awake. This coffee is so good. I love it. So with the energy I have, I should be able to clear my bed off and change my sheets. That is the one goal I have for the day.

This is the first morning that I didn’t wake up in pain. This is good. Maybe I can accomplish my goal. I kind of want to wait till my mother leaves the house before going upstairs. That will be in about an hour from now. I hope I don’t get the sleepies or nothing is going to get done. My mother wants me to do an errand for her. We’ll see if that happens after I change my sheets. Usually I am wiped out after this task. Having a twin mattress was so much easier than a full one. But at least half my bed is my “office” and the other half I can sleep in which would be impossible with a twin size mattress.

I am feeling ambivalent about seeing my psychiatrist this week. I really don’t want to go but I know that if I don’t, I probably will have to call her. When I see her, I am going to tell her that I don’t have to be seen weekly. Hopefully, she will agree. I know she is worried about me right now, and it’s not like I haven’t given her a reason to be worried. I just really don’t want to go into Boston.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to a meaningful quote

  1. Mari says:

    I find your blog useful and informative and I enjoy your wit. You seem like a nice person. I hope you continue writing. I am so glad you explained about your bed lol. I have wondered what you meant by office and wondered how you slept with all that stuff. I am a really restless sleeper and can not have anything on my bed. It makes me feel constricted. It is lonely, but I need to even sleep alone. Last night I was in so much pain. I have a small tear in my left ankle tendon. But at night my right knee, which has nothing wrong with it at all, is in agony sometimes at night. Your blog makes me feel less alone about that. Because I swear my knee never hurts during the day. I am sorry you have a date. I hope you change your mind.

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    I hope you don’t go through with it. I’ll miss you so much, please rethink it. I hope therapy goes well and the apt with your psychiatrist too. xxx

    • G. Collerone says:

      hey, I never had therapy. I think you misread what I wrote as I was hoping for a session that I never got. I have the appt with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I hope it goes well. We will be talking about what to do without a therapist, as currently, my therapist is being a fink and “doesn’t have any openings in her schedule”. I think she is avoiding me as she doesn’t have any openings next week either. I am beyond hurt by this. just increases my suicidality.

any thoughts?

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