another blog about pain

Another blog about Pain

I have been in serious pain the last few hours and it’s stressing me out. My cousin called me today. She said that she wasn’t able to get a ride for my father’s memorial mass on Sunday as she doesn’t drive on the highway. I told it was okay. Not many of my cousins were going. The talk helped to distract me from pain for a little while.

My foot and ankle can’t decide which is going to hurt more so both are causing me agony. I put some lidocaine on it because the pain was so severe. It knocked the pain down some but didn’t take it away completely. I had to take some more pain meds just now. I might take a strong pain pill in a few.

I don’t know if a cat got in the house or what, but the downstairs area smells of cat piss really bad. I hope it dissipates by morning. We have feral cats that hang around the house so not sure if a cat was marking its spot or what. The smell is giving me a headache.

My mother turned the heat on so my room is a sauna once again. I can’t really blame her because it was really cold today. I turned on the ceiling fan. It’s helping with the heat and the cat smell. I am so damn tired but my foot is just killing me. I was reading some old blogs from last summer and one of them was talking about my foot flaring after brushing my teeth. I got so upset, I wrote I was going to kill myself. I remember that day. I just had enough of pain and I snapped. With the good weather coming, I might end up going through with the plan I have been thinking about. I am not suicidal right now but I can go through with my plan at any time I feel like it. Pain is motivating me to end it.

I try not to think about it though. It’s tough not to when my level of pain is what it is right now. I had a little anxiety attack earlier so I took my night meds early. I didn’t want to have to take 2 mg of Ativan if I didn’t have to. I just become anxious because my body goes berserk with the level of pain. I fucking hate it. It drives me crazy.

My brother in law installed the new dishwasher so now our kitchen sink is useable again. I had to use the bathroom sink to wash my hair out after my haircut because I didn’t want to shower. It would have killed my ankle/foot. I am glad we have the sink back. Now my mother can fill it the new dishwasher to her heart’s content.

I read some of Huck Finn. The language was rough. Mark Twain was writing the way a Negro talked and it was hard to figure out what he was trying to say. Drives me crazy. I had the same problem with the Uncle Tom’s Cabin book. God I am hurting so damn bad. I know it’s most likely because I was standing most of the way home on the train because there were no seats for me to sit down and I feel funny asking people to give up their seats. I just waited till people got off the train. It’s the little things that flare it up. But then I can stand for the bus and it won’t bother me. Go figure that out.

Well, I am going to try and get some sleep now. I hope I can sleep through the night. I really don’t want to sleep and then wake up in the middle of the night due to pain. That will suck. Tomorrow is my youngest niece’s birthday. She will be 12. I haven’t decided if I am going to go to the party or not. Depends on how I feel. Lately I just want to stay in my room and sleep. I am looking forward to seeing my friends on Sunday. I think it will be fun.

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About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to another blog about pain

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    so sorry you were in so much pain, again. that sucks so much. I do hope you did get a good nights sleep. xx

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