distraction writing

Distraction writing

For the past three hours I have been dealing with spasms and feelings of things crawling inside me. I took an Ativan for the spasms and hoped the crawling feeling would go away too. It didn’t then my ankle was really hurting me from the spasms so I took my pain meds. The crawling feelings went away. I must have been going through withdrawal as it has been some hours since my last dose of meds. I think it was more than 12 hours, not good.

Now I am in pain with my foot/ankle/toes. I am debating on taking the strong pain pill but I want to give my regular pain meds a chance to really work. It’s only been about two hours since I have taken it. I figure I would write because that helps me distract from what is going on with me.

My Star Trek: the Next Generation DVDs came. I am so excited to watch them again, though I am kind of nervous. My nephew was over the house and he asked if this was before Nemesis. I forgot that the series was over before he was born or just about over. He is too young to remember the show. I thought about watching some episodes after the game but didn’t want to binge watch and be up all night.

I ordered more pens from Amazon. I think I need an intervention of some kind. I am addicted to pens. I bought like 3 or 4 different kinds, this time multi-colored inks and fine point. UGH, I am going to be broke soon. Then I was interested in an article about safety planning so I bought that for $36. I thought it would give me access to other articles but it didn’t, just that one fricken article and that was it. I would have to pay another $36 if I wanted to look at another article. Fuckers. I wasn’t going to do that. I have a friend that is in school and can get me this article that I want. It came out last month so I just need to send him the citation information. Tomorrow I will print out the article I bought and read it over. I might blog about it, if it’s good.

My foot is showing no signs of quitting with pain so strong pain pill it is! I need to replenish my extra strong pain pills (Dove dark Chocolate) as I only have five left. I have been having at least three at a time, some times more if I am feeling indulgent. I love dark chocolate more than milk chocolate.

I plan on going to the mall tomorrow to buy prescription sunglasses. I think they have a Godiva shop there. If they do, maybe I can get dark chocolate bars from there. My hospital used to sell them but now they only carry milk chocolate. Bummer. I hate being in this much pain. I am having dark thoughts and am seriously thinking of ending things sooner rather than later. I am just so fed up with dealing with this bullshit day in and day out. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I did get the prescription lidocaine that my doctor called in. I checked it out online to see if it was oil based or water based. It was water based so I got it. Dumb pharmacist. All they had to do was look that the package and read the ingredients. Dumb dumbs. I don’t feel like putting it on because the pain is all over the damn place. The spasms really fucked me over. I am glad I didn’t have my laptop on my lap because my legs were flying and jerking really bad. I hate when they get that way. I still don’t know why they do that. And it was both legs, usually it’s just my left. I am going to tell my psychiatrist about the crawling sensation when I talk to her tomorrow afternoon, or should I say later this afternoon.

I think I am going to sleep late today so I am not sure I will get to the mall like I want to. If I do, I want to get a new Red Sox hat. It’s been years since I bought one. I think the last one I bought was in 2007 or so. Long time. I am still mad at myself for losing my favorite gray Sox hat. Maybe I can replace it.

I am very tired but pain is fucking keeping me up. I wish I could lie down but my anxiety of pain getting worse is in the way. I don’t want to keep popping up because I can’t lie down because of pain. I took a lower dose of Neurontin because it was late and I didn’t want to be sleeping all day. My foot is also burning right now. So many different types of pain. Every. Single. Night. I can’t stand it. It really depresses me.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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