distraction writing

Distraction writing

For the past three hours I have been dealing with spasms and feelings of things crawling inside me. I took an Ativan for the spasms and hoped the crawling feeling would go away too. It didn’t then my ankle was really hurting me from the spasms so I took my pain meds. The crawling feelings went away. I must have been going through withdrawal as it has been some hours since my last dose of meds. I think it was more than 12 hours, not good.

Now I am in pain with my foot/ankle/toes. I am debating on taking the strong pain pill but I want to give my regular pain meds a chance to really work. It’s only been about two hours since I have taken it. I figure I would write because that helps me distract from what is going on with me.

My Star Trek: the Next Generation DVDs came. I am so excited to watch them again, though I am kind of nervous. My nephew was over the house and he asked if this was before Nemesis. I forgot that the series was over before he was born or just about over. He is too young to remember the show. I thought about watching some episodes after the game but didn’t want to binge watch and be up all night.

I ordered more pens from Amazon. I think I need an intervention of some kind. I am addicted to pens. I bought like 3 or 4 different kinds, this time multi-colored inks and fine point. UGH, I am going to be broke soon. Then I was interested in an article about safety planning so I bought that for $36. I thought it would give me access to other articles but it didn’t, just that one fricken article and that was it. I would have to pay another $36 if I wanted to look at another article. Fuckers. I wasn’t going to do that. I have a friend that is in school and can get me this article that I want. It came out last month so I just need to send him the citation information. Tomorrow I will print out the article I bought and read it over. I might blog about it, if it’s good.

My foot is showing no signs of quitting with pain so strong pain pill it is! I need to replenish my extra strong pain pills (Dove dark Chocolate) as I only have five left. I have been having at least three at a time, some times more if I am feeling indulgent. I love dark chocolate more than milk chocolate.

I plan on going to the mall tomorrow to buy prescription sunglasses. I think they have a Godiva shop there. If they do, maybe I can get dark chocolate bars from there. My hospital used to sell them but now they only carry milk chocolate. Bummer. I hate being in this much pain. I am having dark thoughts and am seriously thinking of ending things sooner rather than later. I am just so fed up with dealing with this bullshit day in and day out. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I did get the prescription lidocaine that my doctor called in. I checked it out online to see if it was oil based or water based. It was water based so I got it. Dumb pharmacist. All they had to do was look that the package and read the ingredients. Dumb dumbs. I don’t feel like putting it on because the pain is all over the damn place. The spasms really fucked me over. I am glad I didn’t have my laptop on my lap because my legs were flying and jerking really bad. I hate when they get that way. I still don’t know why they do that. And it was both legs, usually it’s just my left. I am going to tell my psychiatrist about the crawling sensation when I talk to her tomorrow afternoon, or should I say later this afternoon.

I think I am going to sleep late today so I am not sure I will get to the mall like I want to. If I do, I want to get a new Red Sox hat. It’s been years since I bought one. I think the last one I bought was in 2007 or so. Long time. I am still mad at myself for losing my favorite gray Sox hat. Maybe I can replace it.

I am very tired but pain is fucking keeping me up. I wish I could lie down but my anxiety of pain getting worse is in the way. I don’t want to keep popping up because I can’t lie down because of pain. I took a lower dose of Neurontin because it was late and I didn’t want to be sleeping all day. My foot is also burning right now. So many different types of pain. Every. Single. Night. I can’t stand it. It really depresses me.

any thoughts?

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