Out of spoons by the time I had the pan on the stove

Out of spoons by the time I had the pan on the stove

My rough day continues. I made my coffee and then started preparing for the sauce/dirty gravy. I went to Walgreens for my scripts, leaving my coffee behind. It was still hot by the time I came back. I prepared the garlic, put oil in the pot, and then added the garlic. While that was going on, I tried opening the cans of tomatoes. I forgot the can opener was broken. I had to go back to Walgreens to buy a new one. By this time, the mugginess had gotten worse after the rain. I was a hot mess by the time I came back to the kitchen. I was out of spoons and I didn’t even start what I set out to do.

I sat down and rested for a few minutes, trying to drink my coffee. I had shut off the gas to the pan so I didn’t have to worry about burning the garlic. I still had my sneakers on as I didn’t want to go up to my room to take them off. After a while, my little toe on my good foot started hurting. Fucking A. I took them off, but left them by the stairs.

I opened the cans of tomatoes after the garlic browned a bit. Then I put them in the pan. Then I added a can and half of water. I also started putting in my spices and pepper. I added a half teaspoon of sugar and then stirred. I let it come to a boil. Next was to cook the beef. I didn’t want to wait an hour for the sauce to cook first. It would still taste the same. I cooked the beef, breaking it into little pieces as it cooked. Then the tomatoes came to a boil and I let it boil for about five minutes. In between, I was sitting down, resting my ankle. I had my music playing.

The beef was cooked and then I simmered the sauce on low heat. It was already starting to smell so good. I love the smell of gravy. Hint to anyone that makes candles, the scent would be awesome as a candle!! It just means home to me. I was letting the sauce cook as the beef was cooling. After about an hour, I put the beef into the sauce. I waited another 45 minutes or so and then it was done. Time to cook the pasta!

I made penne pasta and had two bowls. It was so good! Then I went up to my room to freeze my ass off. I was dead tired. A friend of mine started texting me so I talked with her for a bit. Then I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore and took a nap. Now I am feeling MORE tired and weak. I absolutely have no energy left to put the gravy away in containers or clean up. My mother made a salad for suppah. Guess she didn’t want to cook. It’s so hot in the kitchen. Least with me going in the hosp, I will be surrounded by AC. I will bring my long sleeve shirt with me just in case I get cold but I love the cold anyway.

For some reason, my good foot is hurting me. It’s throbbing really bad. I thought sleeping would make it better but it didn’t. I took some Advil hoping that will calm whatever it is down. I might have slightly twisted it while walking in the rain this morning. I need to get new sneakers that are more supportive and comfortable. I just hope it’s gone by tomorrow. I am sure cooking for a few hours didn’t help it.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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