paying the price of “normal”

Paying the price of “normal”

I woke up around 5 in pain. I took some meds and luckily went back to sleep. I woke up around 10. I had made some overnight oats to have for breakfast so I had that. Then I got busy making my gravy (tomato sauce). My ankle was feeling okay so after I had things going, I decided to make my Nantucket cranberry cake as well. I made coffee as I was preparing the ingredients for the cake. I had to melt butter and let it cool. I tried to stay off my feet as much as possible but, like I said, I was feeling good so went a little too much standing. After putting the cake in the oven, I added meatballs to the sauce and let that simmer for another hour. I finished my coffee and played with my phone.

I had to do the clean up and I was procrastinating doing it. I wanted to make spaghetti for lunch so as I was going to the porch to grab a box, my ankle said no. That ended the feeling good. I put the boot on and went about making spaghetti. The sauce was almost cooked. And when I came back with the box of spaghetti, the cake was done as well. I stuck a toothpick in the center to make sure and it was done. I let it cool on the stove. My mother told me to make the box of spaghetti so we could have it for dinner. I made the whole pound. I had a few meatballs while I was waiting for the water to boil. Then I went back out to the porch to grab some plastic containers to store the goodies. I planned on giving some sauce and cake to my psych when I see her on Monday. I also plan on bringing some cake to my barbers.

I had a bowl of spaghetti when it was done. Then I had a piece of cake. It was still warm and it was good. I love this cake. I then set about doing the dishes and clean up. I washed a few of the big bowls and what I used to make the spaghetti. Then my back had enough of standing. I soaked some of my t-shirt as I was rinsing a pan. That was fun. Never fails to get take a bath while I wash dishes. I was having some pain in my foot and I was getting exhausted from doing everything. I decided to take a nap and then finish washing the stuff. I went up to my room to take some pain meds and when I took off the boot, my malleolus (ankle bone) exploded in pain. Sometimes it is just a flash of pain that goes away so I lied down to nap and the pain got worse. I was in agony. I started crying because the pain was so bad. I needed to take some strong pain meds but I couldn’t move due to pain. The slightest movement of my ankle cause the pain to intensify, which only made me cry harder. I eventually rolled over and sat up to take my meds. I then posted to my support group about the pain I was having. So much for trying to be normal today.

Between my regular and strong pain meds, the pain is under control again. I am still sleepy. I wanted to sleep but I didn’t dare lie down again for fear of pain. I read twitter and came across and interesting tweet about Ireland’s shameful history. I read the article. It was about a mother and baby home for illegitimate children or children that were born out of wedlock. Usually these women were the victims of incest as they were young as 15. Once the babies were born, the mother usually stayed for a year and then they were forced out to look for work. The babies were left behind to be cared for by the nuns. One woman who had walked by the home when she was going to school had wondered about the children there and became obsessed in finding out more. It was a dark story about how the land was built over and the abandoned septic systems were like graveyards of the young children, from a few weeks old to age 3. It was a very interesting story. Here is the link to the story if you are interested: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/10/28/world/europe/tuam-ireland-babies-children.html?smid=tw-nytimes&smtyp=cur

I got hungry after reading so went downstairs for some meatballs. My mother had finished washing what I left. She wanted me to wipe down the counters. I did that and put away the food, except for the cake as it didn’t need to be refrigerated. My ankle didn’t like this. I went out the porch to grab some bottles of water and then went back up to my room. I feel really sad that I couldn’t have a day without pain. I know I probably did too much but I wanted to do this. Now I am paying the price for trying to be “normal”. I hope I am able to sleep tonight.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to paying the price of “normal”

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    that cake sounds good! and yeah the stories about the mother and baby homes are incredibly sad. hope you sleep tonight too and you aren’t in too much pain. x

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