painful and weary Saturday

Painful and weary Saturday

I fell asleep around 0200 and then woke up around 4 in pain. I was feeling despair. Things just were so bleak. I was in so much pain and with the pain doc appointment flounder, I really was feeling like there was no point in going on. My friend in the UK was up as it was early morning for them. We talked for a couple of hours, until I made breakfast and then went back to sleep. I wanted to make a cheddar and American cheese egg burrito. It was really good and filling.

I fell back to sleep till around 11 or so. My mother was yelling and I couldn’t figure out if it was at someone in the room or on the phone. It was on the phone. She was talking to her sister and arguing over something. I woke up kind of hot so I took off my long sleeved shirt and then went downstairs to make a burger after I took my pain meds. My mother had come to the kitchen by then and told me what the argument was about. I really didn’t care but listened to her vent. I went upstairs after I ate. I got cold so put back on the long sleeved shirt. My foot was cold so I put it under the blankets and pain ensued. I decided to try the anti-inflammatory cream so put it on. My sisters came up to talk to my mother. I heard my sister say she was going to the grocery store and I went down to ask her if she could get some popcorn shrimp. She said she would. I went to the kitchen and made coffee. I had placed it on the table gently, next thing I know it’s tipped over and coffee spilled all over me, the table and floor. I was pissed. I had to ask my mother to help me as the glass had coffee underneath and I didn’t know how to lift it to wipe it off. Then I took a shower that I didn’t want to take. Needless to say, I washed away the cream. I went upstairs with my coffee and felt sleepy. I don’t know why coffee makes me sleepy but it does. I laid down for a bit after telling my mother I would make burgers for dinner.

I couldn’t get comfortable because my foot was hurting. I couldn’t take my pain meds because I had just taken them. I also didn’t know if I could put more cream on because it was on for about 20 minutes before I had to wash it off. I played with my phone and then got up to make some tater tots and burgers. I went downstairs and my mother said she was going to make muffin pizzas. She didn’t want a burger. I said fine. I made the burgers and tots. Then I watched a couple of episodes of MASH. I love the show. I have the DVDs but I haven’t watched them all. There are 11 seasons so there are a lot! It is funny and makes me laugh. I love Alan Alda, the lead actor. He currently is the only male actor to write, act, and direct a show for an Emmy.

I was feeling cold so went upstairs after the episode of MASH ended. My foot seized up when I was on the third or fourth step. Fuck. I am still hurting as I am writing this and I have been in my room for at least an hour. I took some more pain meds. A friend suggested a heating pad to warm my foot so I have that on right now. I hate when it is so damn cold, but it’s an internal cold, not necessarily external. It’s the stupid CRPS. I am so aggravated that all day I have been in pain. I hope I sleep tonight. I really don’t want another all nighter.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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