Month: February 2018

did too much in a short time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Did too much in a short time

My med alarm went off at around 0830. I took my meds and then wondered if I should get up. Other than waking up briefly at 0430, I mostly slept through the night, the first in a long time. I only got up because my back was hurting. My sister had come up and I said hi. I decided to make pancakes. While I was making it, my sister asked if my other sister could borrow my laptop. I said sure. After I finished eating and put my dishes in the sink, my sister came. I went upstairs to get my laptop. I went on it briefly to close my browsers. I still haven’t fixed the touchpad so I took my mouse down.

My mother had been washing clothes. After she put in a load, she said I had to do, she said I had to do the dishes. I wasn’t feeling up to it, just because she said I had to. While my sister was on the laptop, I made some coffee. I drank half of it and decided to shower. The game would be on in about 15 minutes. I had timed it right. I turned on the TV to watch the game. After the 2nd or 3rd inning, I did the dishes. There weren’t that many. I washed my coffee pot, taking the filter and stuff apart to get the coffee grinds out. My ankle was getting sore. Whatever my sister was doing on my laptop, was frustrating her so she went downstairs for my other sister to help her.

I went to the living room and told my mother I wanted grilled cheese for supper. She said she wanted raviolis. I said okay. I took out a container of gravy in the freezer and watched another inning of baseball. My sister texted me saying my younger sister made some flatbread pizza. I went downstairs to have some. It was good. I might make some tomorrow. My sister was done with my laptop so I retreated up to my room.

By the time I got there, my ankle was killing me. It was time for my meds anyway. I have been bad at putting in my med reminder. I turned on the game to hear the back to back homeruns by Swihart and Barfield. We are currently leading 6-1. I think I overdid things because I hurt so bad. I am glad I don’t have to make dinner but I do have to go back down the stairs to eat it. I am hoping the meds will kick in by then and I am in less pain.

My cousin was at the Children’s Museum today with her daughter. She showed a pic of her in a window with the Hood Milk Bottle in the background. It brought back many memories. I will never forget the time I was a teen counselor for a children’s summer camp. We went there for the day. I had an idiot adult counselor that hated children. Why he chose to work with them, I’ll never know. So we were at the museum, and the fire alarm goes off. Total chaos as we had to evacuate the building. The rules were that the teens were not to be left alone with our group of ten kids. I had no idea where this jerk was. I kept everyone together and we went outside. I met up with our module and there he was, coming from the Hood Bottle, eating an ice cream. I was so damn mad. He got written up for abandoning his job, which he should have lost, but that is my opinion. It was wicked scary. Luckily, there was no fire. Someone must have pulled the alarm by accident. The kids were safe and that was all that mattered.

goal for the week completed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Goal for the week completed

I’ve had a rough day. I woke up a few hours after I fell asleep at bloody 0430. I was in pain so took some pain meds. I wanted to eat and I think I had a pop tart. It’s all a blur now. I went back to my room and took an Ativan to get back to sleep. Then I started reading Harry Potter. I read until I got sleepy. I must have tossed and turned while I slept because when I woke up, my body pillow which was under the sheets, were now on top of them. I only woke up because my damn mother called. Pissed me off. I got up about a half hour later and the bitch was clapping! I just walked away, not saying a word. I had another pop tart. I wanted to make pancakes but I didn’t have the energy.

I went back to my room and wrote to my support group. My pain was unreal and I just wanted to cut off my foot. I told them how my mother is insensitive to my sleeping. She just thinks that you should be up at 7 and then watch tv all day. She cleaned up the kitchen as I noticed my mugs were missing. I am too angry at her to find out where she put them.

I finished the rest of Harry Potter. I feel like I accomplished something this week. My next book will be 1984. I hope I can read it by the end of the month. I might start it tonight after I take my night meds. I am in one shitty mood. I can’t stand being in pain anymore. I missed the ball game today. I could have turned it on while I was reading but I can’t listen and read at the same time. I don’t know what the score was but we won. One of my favorite outfielders, Jackie Bradley, Jr. Had himself game. I feel bad that I missed it what he did. I’ll try and listen tomorrow.

I feel like shit and just want to sleep. I’ll be taking my night meds after I finish writing this. I hope that I sleep through the night, though I don’t have hopes for sleeping past 0600. That hasn’t happen in a week now. Maybe tomorrow I will shower. I was hoping to do that today but I am too tired. I don’t think my foot would like it anyway. It was warm today as my mother had the back door open. I was shocked. She never opens it when the heat is on.

exhausting Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Exhausting Friday

I slept about 8 hours, though I woke up around 0430. I wasn’t happy. It has been more than 12 hours since my last dose of pain meds and I was starting to feel weird. I also had to pee like a racehorse. I quickly took my pain meds then rushed to the bathroom. When I came back to my room, my ankle was hurting. I stayed up for a couple hours before going back to sleep. I was hungry but I figure I would eat when I woke up next.

My mother was yelling on the phone when I woke up around 0940. I had no idea what she was talking about. I went to the bathroom and overheard her conversation. She was talking pleasantly to someone so she must have hung up on the person she was yelling at. I can only guess it was her sister. I checked the time when I came back to my room. I just missed the 945 bus so had to wait an hour for the next one. I needed to go to town for my prescriptions as well as to Walgreens to pick up my scripts. I wanted to listen to the ball game as well.

I got dressed around 1030 and my mother wanted me to check on my niece as my brother in law was home sick. She had just got up and was okay. I left for the bus stop. It was sunny out but cold. I had a window before it started raining and I hoped to beat it. I ordered my Starbucks drink with the mobile app as I had a free reward. I got a snickers latte. I had it iced. I had to go through each thing to customize the drink. I then saved it to my favorites so I could order it next time I had a reward. By the time I was finished and put the order through, I was close to the Square. I had some pain in my ankle but it was bearable.

I had to sit at one of the bar seats when I got to Starbucks as the table seats were all taken. This kind of puts pressure on my ankle so I just wrote in my journal for a bit before leaving. I didn’t want to aggravate my ankle and cause a flare. I left for town and knew I would miss the first inning of the ball game. There was no way I would be home by 1.

The trains were on time and I got to my doc’s office for my prescriptions. Neither secretary was seeing anyone so the one I was talking to didn’t do anything as the other had already went to get my envelope. I told her she wasn’t fast enough. They laughed. It had started drizzling when I left despite it still being blue skies. That changed by the time I got back to the Square. It was getting really cloudy. I timed it right so I didn’t have to wait long for the bus. I went to Walgreens and there was a wait. The regular girl wasn’t at the register. I stood waiting for like 20 minutes, all the while my ankle talking to me. I paid for my scripts and then went home. It started to rain by the time I got to my street. Great. I had to get my mother’s stuff out of the basement freezer and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

I got a bag to put the stuff in and then went to the basement. The freezer wasn’t making any noises and some items were not frozen. I thought this was odd. I got the stuff with enough that I could carry and then told my brother in law. He thought someone must not have shut the door tightly last time they opened it. I wasn’t convinced. I put the stuff I brought upstairs away and then rested for a few. I then went back downstairs to make sure I got everything and grabbed a few more things. I then went back to my brother in law and told him something is not right. He said the breaker might have been tripped and it was. He said he had the flu and I stayed clear of him. I don’t want to get sick. I went back upstairs with what I grabbed and then went up to my room. I was hungry but didn’t know what to have. I listened to the game for a bit. They scored three runs in the bottom of the 4th inning. I knew they would win so I went back downstairs to make something to eat. I was getting exhausted going up and down stairs. My legs felt like jelly. I made some sausages that had thawed out. I asked my mother how to make them as I never made them before. She told me to split them and then put them in the oven. I did. After 20 minutes, they looked like pancakes, they had flatten out. When I told my mother this, she laughed at me. UGH. I told her that was my lunch and dinner as I didn’t eat and then she said what am I on a diet? I said if I was I wouldn’t starve myself! Fucking ignorant bitch. She really pissed me off.

It’s really cold in my room. I don’t know if my mother touched the heat again. Going to be cold until Tues or Wed when the temps will be in the 50s. Crazy weather. Supposed to have periods of rain though. Just hope my spine doesn’t act up. I hate it when it aches. I can’t wait to see my therapist on Monday. We have a lot to talk about. I haven’t seen him in two weeks. I also see my psychiatrist Wed. I will need a refill on one of my psych meds then. I think now, I have all my psych meds on the same refill schedule. Only took me 4 months to get them together. I hope I don’t wake up before 6 am tomorrow. I hate waking up that early and then getting sleepy a few hours later. Then I feel like shit the rest of the day. Doesn’t matter what time I go to bed. Sucks! I know it wouldn’t happen if I was on a longer acting pain med. I think my sleep would be better as I wouldn’t wake up in pain.

shaky arms are back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Shaky arms are back

Appliances that I ordered for my mother came this morning. I didn’t get much sleep. The delivery guys were fast and installed the washer. Thankfully there were no problems, other than the washer need “high efficiency” detergent. I just told my mother to use less detergent. I don’t know why she would use more than a quarter of a cup anyways as the damn thing is so sudsy. She wanted another washer but they didn’t have one that were the size or price range she wanted. She said she would use less. I told her after 10-20 loads, she could just use white vinegar to prevent mold and mildew. She agreed.

I made a sandwich and then went up to my room. I had made coffee but it didn’t help my poor sleep. I took a nap for a couple of hours. I woke up feeling weird. I used the bathroom before my bladder burst. Came back upstairs and then my arms felt like spaghetti. Not what I wanted to feel. It was side effects to the Invega. I quickly took an Ativan before they became worse. I don’t get this way often like I did when I was on the abilify. I hate this feeling. It is the worse.

I called my mother and told her to hold dinner for me. I would be sleeping for a few hours as I didn’t feel good. She didn’t ask what was wrong, thank god. I am feeling restless so I don’t know if I will be able to get back to sleep. I got to wait for the Ativan to kick in. My ankle pain is rearing its ugly head. I just feel like giving up. Last night I was swimming in despair. I wrote some stuff in my journal and then vented to a friend via email. I don’t remember what I wrote. She wrote back in the morning with the words in all caps “Don’t kill yourself”, so I must have written something to that effect. I have been feeling a little suicidal at night. I think it is this time of year. Being in severe pain doesn’t help. I put on an ace bandage thingy and slept with it. For the first time in a month or so, I was able to stand without too much pain so it obviously helped.

Now my ankle/foot feels like it is made of strings. Fuck! I hate this type of side effect the most but it is the least concerning. It doesn’t happen often, so I am grateful for that. I just emailed my psych about this to keep her in the loop.

I closed my window because it was bloody cold in my room when I woke up. Holy crap! It wasn’t snowing or raining yet. That wouldn’t start until the afternoon. When I checked the mail, there were flurries. They didn’t appear to be sticking. My mother had turned down the heat because of yesterday’s high temps. I turned it up as it was cold in the house. I must have been cold during the night because my comforter was on me. It’s still chilly in my room but it’s bearable. I like the cold anyways. My ankle and foot, however, doesn’t. They are warm under the blankets right now. I have made sure to keep them warm. Last thing I need is that icy coldness that CRPS brings. Takes forever to warm up and then when it does, it burns.

I have to go out tomorrow to get my prescriptions at my PCP’s office. I don’t get paid till Monday so I won’t be able to get them until then. I just calculated all the meds I need to get next week and it’s going to be roughly $60. I was hoping to fix my laptop this month but I don’t think I can afford it. I’m still waiting to see what my premium is for my medical insurance. I haven’t received the letter yet, which is odd because I usually get it the beginning of the month. I somehow messed up my finances as I don’t have that much money left over after all my bills are paid. I think I might have to shrink my grocery bill somehow. I wanted to make a chili cornbread casserole. The ingredients are not too expensive, except for the beef. I will have to go to the butcher shop. I like their meat better than the grocery store. You can definitely taste the difference. I might buy a 3 lb bag of beef. Then I can make my dirty gravy. My mother is not a chili fan so I will most likely eat this thing, if my brother in law doesn’t have some. My sister might as she likes hot stuff.

Ativan is kicking in so I am going to rest now. The spaghetti feeling is fading. I am glad.