I’ll have two of everything

I’ll just order two of everything

I woke up around 330 in pain. I took some meds and couldn’t get comfortable. I played on my phone for a bit trying to settle down. I didn’t want to take a full Ativan so I took half to get back to sleep. The doorbell rang around 0830 for my mother but I had to go down to see who it was. I had to stay up then because my groceries would be coming in a couple of hours. I wasn’t hungry so I just made a cup of tea.

The grocery delivery came a little before 11. The previous guys usually bring up the refrigerated and frozen before getting to other stuff. This guy decided to bring whatever. His first time up was with some of my powerade bottles. As I was moving them to where they needed to go, one made a break for it and rolled down the stairs and of course, broke. I swore and then went downstairs to clean up as the guy kept bringing stuff up. I told him to watch his step so he wouldn’t slip. I got most of the stuff wiped up and then went back upstairs to put away the refrigerated and frozen stuff. I then called my mother and told her if she came home to be careful as the floor may be wet.

Once that stuff was away, I got the mop and some spray my mother told me to use and cleaned up more so it wasn’t sticky. My back was ready to kill me. Just mopping and standing was hurting me so bad. I went into my sister’s apartment to get a bucket to rinse off the mats. She didn’t have one. So I got a huge container and kept filling it and bringing it to the front porch to rinse the mats. I did this a few times. When I was satisfied that the mats were thoroughly as rinsed as possible, I put the container back and went upstairs. I rinse the mop and then went to put the groceries away.

I had bought nearly two of everything (aside from my beverages), which would explain why my grocery bill was so high. I also bought enough cereal to last me two months, two boxes of at least three different kinds. I was shaking my head. Because the plastic bags with the beverages were falling apart, I used the reuseable bags to stock my powerades. My back was ready to revolt and my foot/ankle was starting to throb really bad. I rested in the kitchen and got hungry. I decided to make a frozen dinner. As I was putting it in the microwave, my mother came home. We chatted for a bit and then I asked her if she was baking tomorrow as I wanted to make muffins. She asked if they were white or black. I said I never made them before so I have no idea how they were going to come out. She then made the gag sign. I wanted to smack her. She then made a comment about what I was eating. I felt like flinging it at her. She was getting me so mad. Then she asked what kind of cake I bought. I said it was cornbread. She ate it and said it didn’t taste like corn. (I had a piece and it did) I told her her taste buds were off. I finished my lunch and then went upstairs. I was hurting so bad but I was so damn tired. I took a nap. Not even an hour in, my mother calls me. I didn’t answer. I woke up an hour later and was more sore than when I first laid down. I hope I didn’t hurt myself. My foot was berserk. I hope I can sleep tonight and my back is better tomorrow. I want to get my haircut.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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