music, haircut, birthday dinner, and other things

Music, haircut, birthday dinner, and other things

My med alarm woke me up before 0700. I was feeling okay. I took my meds and didn’t want to go back to sleep. I went to the bathroom and as I was going down the stairs, I heard my mother cry out. I listened to see if I should run back upstairs or what. I didn’t hear anything else, so just went to the bathroom real quick and then made my way up the stairs. I went in her room and she was settling down. I asked if she was okay and she said yes, why? I told her because I heard her cry out and she said she didn’t. Okay.

Around 8 I decided to catch the bus to the square for Starbucks and maybe some writing. I also needed a haircut and to renew my T-Pass. I got my espresso and a sandwich. I was kind of thinking of what I should write. After I ate, I took out my journal and my notebook where I have been writing my story. I wrote in my journal first and kept staring at my notebook. Nothing was coming to me. I was getting frustrated. I haven’t written anything new since Feb. I didn’t know if I should write something new or continue with what I had written so far. It was agonizing. I gave up and went to the little grocery store to get some cole slaw. I wasn’t planning on getting some dip but found one that I liked. I had bought some multigrain tortilla chips but had no salsa to go with it.

I got my T-Pass and then my haircut. My regular barber wasn’t in yet so I had the other guy. He did a good job. I just caught the bus home with 30 seconds to spare. I came home and showered and I was so fricken tired but I couldn’t sleep. My sister called and asked if I wanted to go to Trader Joe’s, another grocery store chain. I said sure as I wanted to check out their stuff. I walked around and my back hated me severely. She wanted to go to another store and I told her I would wait in the car. I listened to music while I was waiting.

While I was up late last night, I ordered songs from my favorite female artists. I spent the day listening to the music. I love Mary Chapin Carpenter. I didn’t realize 12 of the 13 songs were just songs she previously recorded. I knew of at least four of them. The others not so much. I have to research to find out which album they are on. I know I don’t have her early stuff. Just stuff from 1992 on, except her only holiday album. I keep wanting to get it and never do.

I rested as much as I could as my sister invited me to go out for her husband’s birthday celebratory dinner. It was supposed to be at a restaurant I liked but they were packed so we went to another Italian restaurant. I didn’t like their food. My nieces didn’t like it either. We took it home. My mother might have it for lunch tomorrow. I had ordered steak tips and they were so plain and not cooked enough. I will cook them and eat them with A1 sauce.

As I was waiting for my brother in law to get ready, there was a baseball game playing between the Tigers and Pirates. They went into extra innings and it became funny. The Tigers manager got ejected for arguing after a replay overrule. In the video, he kept kicking the ground. I found it hysterical. The overrule caused the game to continue to the 13th inning. The Pirates won the came 13-10. It is only the 2nd game of the season, which is why it caused so much fun. Usually beginning games do not go past 9 innings but it’s always fun when there is “free baseball”. Sox won today 1-0. I am not sure who got the win as the score was nothing nothing until the 8th inning. I doubt the starting pitcher, David Price staying in that long. I will look it up later.

My back is still not 100%. My mother had moved the toaster to the kitchen table so she could make cookies. I decided to empty it of crumbs. Both collection trays were full. Then I decided to empty the toaster itself. I got half of the stuff in the trash and the rest on the floor. The sweeping caused my back to hurt, even though I didn’t bend down or anything. I kind of swept more than the area where there were crumbs so that partly is why my back got upset. I hope it doesn’t bother me tomorrow as I really want to make these muffins. I don’t know if my mother is going to be baking anything as my sister bought some desserts for Easter.

I am in a lot of pain and my depression is starting to run high. I just feel so fricken low and there is no reason. Well, sort of. Pain can be a reason, a huge one. While we were walking back to the car, my sisters and nieces were walking pretty fast and I just could not keep up, though I tried. My legs were just hurting too much. The chairs at the restaurant weren’t that comfortable and because they were busy, we had to wait for our food a long time. My ankle was screaming a few times even though I took my pain meds before leaving. I don’t think I am going to do anything tomorrow but rest. The muffins can wait. Nothing will go bad over the next few days.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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