**********Warning offensive language in the blog post *************
I am in deep fucking pain and I can’t fucking stand it anymore. They say that swearing can decrease pain. What bullshit! If that was the case, I would be pain free by now! I wouldn’t need medication, just throw a couple of fucking fucks and boom, pain gone. Maybe it only works on stubbed toes. I don’t know.
I have been trying to sleep since I ended my blog about 4 or so hours ago. I took my meds a little after 1900. But when my mother came upstairs I had to check on her because she was breathing heavy. Then I had to pee. I then decided to have an ice cream sandwich and when I sat down, my fucking malleolus exploded. It felt like a burning hot rod was being driven into the bone. I looked down and there was a black dot on it. I foolishly fucking touched it and holy fuck I saw stars. I limped back up to my room. I dreaded going up the fucking stairs.
I got into bed and within a few minutes, the top of my foot felt like it was being grated with a cheese grater. It was so painful. I was ready to lose my fucking mind. It was just a little after 2200 so I took some Neurontin for the nerve pain. There is nothing else I can take. I took my pain meds at 2145. I don’t remember when I took the strong pain pill. Probably around 2000. For those that are new to my blog, I write in military time because I like it better than regular time. I think it is cool. Plus working in the hospital for so many years where I had to use it kind of stuck with me.
I might take another strong pain pill. I need something. I think I only took one pill today so I can take another one. I have been listening to my country radio station. On songs that I like, I have been tweeting the night time person saying I love the song. She is great as she quickly responds. One of these days I will get the nerve to call and request a song. I did that once and it was a disaster. I must have been on the phone with the person for at least five minutes and after the song I wanted he didn’t have, I was stuck to think of any other song. So embarrassing. I completely blanked out.
My favorite new artist Cam just did a cover song that she co-wrote with Sam Smith called Palace. It was okay. They didn’t show her face during the video. She is one hot woman! I love her. But she is younger than I am so I can’t really like her too much. But she does have an awesome voice.
I keep having waves of exhaustion and feelings like I am just going to fucking drop into sleep. I have been having these stupid waves all damn day. I was really hoping to be asleep by 2000. But for whatever reason, I am still fricken awake. I am kind of suicidal. The paper that I had to call for my pension is NOT for my pension. I am so frustrated. I probably am going to have to call my benefits office and see if I can cash out. Then I can seriously plan my death in three months. I hope the process is not too complicated. I just want to fucking die but I don’t want my family to be stuck paying for my funeral. I need to find my will that I wrote a few years ago. I want to update it. Got a few other details to get done then I can feel somewhat at ease about my planning.
I’m just fucking done with trying to go on. I can’t stand the pain anymore. The unpredictability of it is fucking distressing and waiting for meds to work all the time, wondering if they will. The losing sleep, the up all night, sleeping all day, just having no life. I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t I’ve tried the last few months to get help, but my docs are being cowards or just passing me off saying this one will take care of it when the no one really does. No sense in being hospitalized because they won’t do anything to help either. Just fuck it. Game over. Three strikes, you’re out!