why do I bother??

Why do I bother

I had a hard time sleeping due to pain. When it sort of settled down after I wrote my 3 am blog, I was hungry. I didn’t dare go downstairs to get something to eat for fear of flaring it up again. I finally fell asleep some time around 4 and woke up four hours later. I took my blood pressure pill and pain meds as my ankle was killing me. Then my alarm went off. I had time to shower. It was painful but I did it. It was still muggy in the house. Despite cooling off some, I was sweating by the time I went back up to my room.

I tried to cool off but there was no point. I didn’t have AC, just the ceiling fan blowing hot air. I got dressed and then left for the bus stop. It was cloudy and when I got to Starbucks, it had started to drizzle. I was hoping it would cool things off but it didn’t. When I was done at Starbucks, the sun was shining. I went to CVS to get my mother a card for Mother’s Day and some tape that she wants. I had already bought her a few things. The tape is kind of a gag gift.

I went into town and got new glasses. The guy said it would be three weeks for them to come in. Great. I am already struggling to read as it is. What is another three weeks. I was early for my pain doc appointment. I went to the lobby of the building and just wrote in my journal. I was nervous about my appointment. I went upstairs 15 minutes before. I was called in by the medical assistant to do vital signs. My blood pressure was a little high. Then a new fellow came in and I had to tell him my story again. He went to get the attending and it was a long time I had to wait. Finally they both came in and the attending said that he decided to put me on a different pain med regimen and he emailed my PCP about it. So he will decide either yes or no. I have no way of knowing if it is a no because I wasn’t in the email. I am once again out of the loop while these doctors decide what is in my interest. I have to wait, again, for their decision. I was not happy. The med is something that I told him shuts off my bladder but he said that only happens with patients with neurogenic bladder. I told him I HAVE neurogenic bladder but I was dismissed. Okay, when I am in the ER because I can’t pee, I guess they will switch me to something else and take four months to decide what to put me on while I suffer.

I was too annoyed to email my psychiatrist to let her know how the appt went. I went to Chipotle when I got to the Square and timed it right to catch the bus home. I was sweating so bad. I ate my burrito while my mother was talking about her bills and the amount she has to pay. I could care less. My sneakers had arrived and my new pajamas pants. I will get them washed. I am still waiting for the shorts. They will arrive Monday. After I ate, I felt a little better. I was less grumpy. I emailed my psych telling her I felt like a pinball and that nothing new happened other than I need to wait, again. She asked what had happened so I told her.

I got really sleepy after I put in the new shoelace thingy for my sneakers. It took me a while to figure out how it was supposed to be. The diagram was not the best. It kind of made the sneaker tight but it should loosen, I hope. I kept the laces just in case I don’t like it. I don’t know if I can put my AFO in the sneaker with these thingys. I will find out on Monday.

any thoughts?

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