berserk foot, no sleep

Berserk foot no sleep

(pic is of Mass. General Hospital taken in 1858)
I was lying down all propped up on my pillows, lying on my back all comfy. I was ready to snooze but my damn fucking foot went berserk and my pain spiked to a 13. I am still hurting. I just took my pain meds so I am giving it a little more time before I take another strong pain pill. It is so hot in my room and I am sure my chocolate has melted. I have morsels in my room. It is dark chocolate, my favorite kind.

I am hungry but I can’t stand on my foot right now. That would be murder. I wish I had a protein bar or something like that in my room that isn’t too crumbly. I don’t want crumbs on my bed. I really can’t wait for the temps to be in the 60’s without the damn humidity. I really hate the heat.

I had put a sock on my foot as the ceiling fan air was bothering it. Now the sock is bothering me. I can’t fricken win. I am so tired and I know I am going to feel like shit later today. I probably am not going to get new glasses as I will be so tired. It’s almost 3 am. I hate that hour as it then becomes a guessing game as to when I will fall asleep. I hope my mother doesn’t want to wear her socks tomorrow. I would hate to only get 2 or 3 hours of sleep. I put on the white noise machine. It is making me so sleepy but pain is keeping me up. I hate nights like this.

I met a few chronic pain people on twitter yesterday. I was chatting with one of them. I told her I had cauda equina syndrome and she was joking about how a horse stomped on my foot, causing me my pain. Her autocorrect did something to the spelling so she had to explain it as the tweets didn’t make sense. I noticed tonight that my left foot is getting smaller than my right, when it isn’t swollen. I am losing muscle, which isn’t good and probably what is causing me pain. I don’t know if it is the CRPS or nerve damage. Thing is I am using my foot/ankle so I don’t know why my muscles are wasting. So damn frustrating. I think I need to see the new neuro to see what he thinks. I hope I don’t have to go to PT to try and fix it. It will be painful, more than what it is now.

I think I will use the diclofenac gel on the top of my foot. Some times it works to lower my pain. Not all of it but just enough so I can bear it. I sometimes will use lidocaine but I think the diclofenac will work better as it might lower the swelling. I really don’t know if it will help unless I try. Maybe then my meds will have kicked in and I can go to sleep.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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