Nice day for doing nothing
Yesterday I had all sorts of pain. I really overdid it. I came home from therapy and was really tired. I tried to lay down to nap and my foot/ankle were shaking from fatigue. It was the weirdest sensation. It was like it was trying to hold itself up and couldn’t from the effort. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to go to PT today. I woke up this morning and was still in pain so when the med alarm went off and the top of my foot hurt, I called and cancelled my appointment. Then I went back to sleep until like 3pm. I was really tired and I guess my body needed the rest.
Yesterday’s therapy session was a joke. I told him all that went on with the shot and how difficult it was to draw the syringe. It didn’t phase him. The whole session he was playing with his fingernails. It was so pissing me off. Then I told him I have been having some intrusive memories come at me because of the whole SCOTUS nominee thing. I asked him what to do about it and he had no idea. He told me he was “trained extensively in trauma”. Really? Now I don’t believe him because a trauma person would know what the fuck to say or do. I am so pissed off. It was good that I was tired and didn’t put things together until now. I am going to cancel next week’s appointment. I just can’t deal with him. On the one hand I like that I have someone to talk to, but on the other, I would like someone to HELP ME WITH MY PROBLEMS!!! Isn’t that the fucking point of therapy??? The idea of trying to find someone new doesn’t exactly fill me with joy. I have no idea where to start, again. My chickenshit PCP wouldn’t know where to help me. And my psychiatrist has tried to find me a therapist and wasn’t successful. Over a thousand therapists in the Boston area and no one is taking new clients or wants to deal with suicidal clients. I am just tired of it all. So very tired.
As this is day 2, no changes. I am not in as much pain as I was in yesterday though my left thigh is still kind of sore but not as much. I had a hard time sleeping because of pain. After I had taken my extended release and immediate release med, I got a new fucking pain that I never felt before. I was like WTF. I didn’t know what to do or take so I decided Neurontin was the answer. Within an hour or two, I was knocked out I think I woke up around 4 am in pain so had to take another pain med, but other than that, I slept through. I was so foggy when I canceled PT. My foot was still hurting me so there was no way I was going to go. And for some reason both my heels were hurting me.
I took a shower but didn’t shave. I didn’t feel like it as I can’t afford a haircut this month. I thought I would be able to but I messed up my finances, again. All because of my damn T-pass. I finally got a monthly pass so I am not paying for fares left and right. I just checked my junk mail and LinkedIn seems to have been compromised or spoofed. I must have had like 20 emails saying this or that happened with my profile but when I hovered over the email, it wasn’t a LinkedIn email. I have been blocking but I just seem to be getting more emails. Then a sex site has my own email address spoofed. It would say like Sexy something and when I block it, it says I can’t block my email. WTF. I just hope that whoever has my email isn’t getting emails that are from that address. I got hacked the beginning of this year and had to change my password and alias to something else. I’ve had this email since I got internet services. I have no idea how to stop it.
In my junk mail was an email from the pain clinic. For some reason, my phone is rejecting their phone calls. I don’t know why this is happening. She left me an email to call her to set up appointments. I am kind of nervous now with how I will manage therapy, PT, and now the pain management stuff. I really feel stressed about it as my calendar is suddenly going to fill up. I hope I don’t have another day like yesterday as I will be too tired to do much the next day. I have the pain clinic tomorrow and I also see my psychiatrist. Luckily, both appointments are at the same place so I am not going all over the place. It is an early morning appointment so I need to try and go to bed early. Not that it will do anything as if I go to bed too early, I will wake up in the middle of the night. I just set my alarm so I wake up early.
So I posted this morning that I was feeling like crap, having a bad day, was in a lot of pain, etc. in the group that I run for cauda equina syndrome. I get this righteous “positive thinking” person tell ME that I sure have had a good hour or good day. Um, sorry. It has been so long and with pain 24/7, I don’t remember when that was. I say so and she responds with some assumption and I tell her that she doesn’t know me so don’t assume anything about me and I will do the same. She gets bent out of shape saying she is going to tell other groups about this “1 man band” self-pity. I tell her the door is open and sorry I am not a positive person. I left it at that. But I am so fucking mad. I mean I get that some people like to think positive, etc. but don’t be telling me I should be doing it because it helps you. You like to think that way, fine. But it isn’t my cup of tea! I haven’t started in 42 years and doubt I ever will. I am a pessimist and you don’t like it, leave. Plain and simple. I don’t have time to deal with your positive shit that I don’t believe in.
I am glad I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. It has been a month since I saw her. I kind of like that I am not seeing her every two weeks but I miss her. I email her but she doesn’t always respond. I hate when that happens. I just cancel therapy for next week. I just can’t deal with him next week. I have been going every week. He is out Monday because of the holiday (Columbus/Indigenous people day). I don’t know why they are calling it Indigenous People day as the Europeans nearly killed all of them and forced them off their land. This is still going on today in South Dakota I think. The government is allowing an oil company to drill and they protested. The government went against them forced them in jail and other horrible stuff. The company spilled oil, ruining the drinking water in the area, something the Indigenous people were protecting. Assholes they are. I still don’t think they have cleaned it up. Makes me so mad.