Catch up and a little today stuff too haha
So yesterday I didn’t write a blog because after my two appointments in Boston, I was tired so took a nap that lasted longer than I wanted it. Then it was game time and after I took my night meds, I was struggling to stay up till the 9th inning. I thought about posting a blog on my phone but I hate doing that because autocorrect sometimes either guesses a word wrong or substitutes words that are spelled right but think it is wrong. Then I feel bad when I read it because it makes no fucking sense. If you ever read a blog that has errors, know that I probably wrote it on my phone and please tell me so I can fix it.
I got pain after the game. Just getting into a comfy position upset my ankle. We won game 1, 5-4. I was freaking out because we were leading 5-0 and the snakes were clawing their way back. I watched one inning on TV and hated the announcers. I figured the Sox half they would talk about the Sox, nope. All Snakes. Fucking hate network analysts. So damn biased. I posted a pic saying I was worried after the score was 5-3 and people were freaking out. Um, hello, did you NOT see my post about baseball posts ahead, you’ve been warned?? God I hate when people do that, because when I respond baseball, they get all pissed off. Ya, well you pissed me off too by not paying attention. I mean, I was wearing my Sox shirt and hat and watching/listening to the game. Geez!
Yesterday’s appointment with the pain doc was useful and useless. Apparently, I am “using my meds appropriately” yet there will be no changes to how I use it or whatnot. But if I need adjustments, come back and they will make it. I have been seeing him for the past 3 fucking months for an adjustment and did not fucking get it so what the fuck!!!??? I asked him if my PCP can take over. He said ya, I thought that was the agreement and then he went on and on how we don’t do this because the practice is small and there isn’t enough rooms available for a large thing yada yada. What the fuck do you accept new patients for then??? So instead of HIM contacting my PCP, I will be asking when I see him this coming Friday.
I am 100% convinced this guy has no clue about CRPS or chronic pain because the stories he tells me I am just like he has no clue. He was telling me that he sees degenerative pain patients and they really can’t help but to try and control their pain. It “wasn’t my case” as even he has back pain while doing dishes after 5-10 minutes (the guy is more than 60 I say). No shit. I am no where close to his age and yet my back hurts after the same amount of time doing dishes. I have degenerative disc disease as well as cauda equina syndrome and four fucking back surgeries. If he read my record, he might know this. Asshole. I really hope I don’t have to see him again or find another doctor that is more compassionate.
After his appointment, I saw my psychiatrist. Told her what went on and she said that I was probably right as most doctors have no clue about chronic pain unless they experience it themselves or at least can empathize with their patients. We talked about the T shot and how my left thigh is still giving me grief. I didn’t put a lido patch on last night but I was close to doing it. She then asked if I had any mood changes. I said not yet but you will be the first to know. I told her how I need a new therapist, again. He just isn’t helping me. I asked if I had the wrong perception of a therapist and she didn’t answer. So now I don’t know where to go. The thought I searching for a new one is just too overwhelming for me right now. I want to stay within my radius as I don’t have a car. I thought about calling the LGBT clinic but that will be a pain weekly for me as the pain program is starting. It will take so much energy because it is such a walk to the clinic from the train station. Maybe after the program I can go there or somewhere close to there. But the thought that I have to do this again fills me with doubt that there is a good therapist out there that WILL help me deal with my problems and not just say will work on this and never do. I mean, it is one thing if I defer, as it is my right. Not so much for the therapist. They should want to actually help you with your problems not say yes we will and then drop the fucking ball.
I am reading a book called “Helping the Suicidal Person”. It is a very useful book and already I have a few books and articles to look up. Some I already have but she quoted new research and I am not on top as I once was. It also gives me insight into the therapist’s hesitations on suicide a little better. I wish I could say that for my therapist but he is always willing to listen to me but does NOT do an assessment or even safety plan. I mean I know what to do if I am going to act but am at the point where I just want to act rather than seek help because help hasn’t worked out!! It sometimes gets me more frustrated than be helpful to me. And unless I attempt, I am not going back to the hospital, least not the one I went to. Totally useless and very frustrating.
I have had any changes yet. I am on a low dose so it might take a while before I see them. Maybe after my second shot. I don’t know what to look for. I should probably look for blogs or something to help as a sort of guide but fricken WordPress changed their search so it takes a long time to look for blogs on a tag or a general word (don’t recommend that at all, it will take hours!) I know there must be an FTM group or something somewhere but I have yet to find one publicly. I know there is a lot of harassment and even death threats and abuse out there. I’ve been fortunate, so far, not to encounter it. I think it might send me over the edge if some stranger goes off on me for being transgender.